i took haldol several times.
it’s what they shoot in your butt
when you show up at the psych hospital
refusing to behave yourself.
makes me take a nap.
in a few hours, i come out,
i walk slow, talk slow,
but when i saw the pdoc,
i said “I can still do my personality
when i’m like this, i just have to push way harder!”
I didn;t find a single dose or two to have any other effect,
i’m kinda sure there is no drug in the world
that would make me believe in gravity,
or believe that we are all separate entities,
or that we need to collect as many resources as possible
and be as lazy as possible
and find as much comfort as possible.
certainly not a few doses of haldol
going to sleep is the most i’ve ever gotten out of any psych med,
and even that only rarely.
later in life, when i asked for psych meds that would work,
haldol was one of the things they tried.
it did put me down for several hours
even when nothing else would
BUT
i got a policy about EVER touching haldol again.
It causes a side effect, it’s horrible, worse that the disease in my case,
an anxiety / restlessness that apparently the nurses know about,
but have very little sympathy for,
but it’s like coming off an all night crack binge
while standing in a crowded new york city rush hour commuter train,
it’s horrible, psychically punishing,
one day i called up and said
there’s something wrong, feels like a side eftect
of the haldol, i can’t descibe it other than
i feel like i need to stretch but stretching doesn’t help,
i’m stretching all over the bed and rolling around but it doesn’t work,
nurse on the phone is not sympathetic,
crazy guy that’s what you get stop complaining,
she said “well what’s the problem,
are you falling out of the bed?”
i’ve repeated that story to nurses and doctors
and they say that is a well known side effect
and they want to give you another drug to help with that side effect,
i’ve never tried the cocktail with the second drug,
but honestly at this late stage of this incurable sz life,
i’m thinking the fitting end would be to go become a homeless heroin addict
or alchoholic, just pass out in the alley and doze the last bit of my life away back there,
only thing is i’m procrastinatin startin that life cause i hate alchohol drinking more than a couple of drinks, that hangover feeling! and i never tried heroin and it does look kind of brutal…
and yeah i agree the brain does what it wants to do.
when i first tried seroquel i did 600mg a day for three months,
then 8 days of cold turkey hell, walking around new york city scaring people,
but pulling all the punches.
that heavy a dose of seroquel did quiet my personality.
no longer getting rave reviews on my teaching evals cause i was just phoning it in now,
instead of the manic overdrive presentation i had built my carreer on.
back then i also noticed, a cop car would go by and i wouldn’t get all excited
playing out a million life and death battle situations when i see the cop,
i thought “this must be what it’s like to be normal”,
all of a sudden i’m not thinking up new psychoses while waiting for the light to change
\or during the commercials.
But when i quit, the mind did something nasty for 8 days, spiked to serious sz levels.
after the 8 days, the mind came back down, not to normal of course,
but back to the slightly insane level it had been at my whole life.
that taught me that the mind is gonna go to it’s place no matter what,
chemical imbalance is nonsense, we are all balanced different,m
but if you are not on drugs, that is your balance,
crazy as it might be,
and my impression is if you take the drugs,
you are just “trying to make the chemistry something that it aint”
as shriekback said in the 80’s
and buddha said if you are trying to relieve suffering
and you are touching something in order to relieve the suffering
then you will have to suffer again,
when you stop touching that thing.