I’m a joke! Extremely crazy and extremely low functioning. I belong in a hospital or getting spat back and forth between psychological therapy and psychiatry. I talk about my issues to a therapist and he looks in the manual and recognizes I have severe mental illness and need powerful meds and refers me to a psychiatrist. The psychiatrist gives me powerful emotion numbing meds which turn me into a virtual lobotomy patient. Then I complain about how miserable I am and get sent back to the therapist. Its like a revolving door! The only ones who benefit are the so called specialists who can now afford to send their kids to private school. This is my life now.
I’m gonna drop out of school and stop trying to pretend my brain is okay or that I can lead a normal life. I’m a freaking mess, if you sat down with me for 10 minutes and actually listened to the thoughts I have and the issues I face you would dismiss me as a lost cause. And probably want me locked up somewhere so I couldn’t cause harm to anyone.
My cognition is terrible yet I still insist on trying to pretend I can think. I suffer from every negative symptom in the book and some.
Unlike some of you who are on this forum I wasn’t blessed enough to remain high functioning after falling ill. All I can do is pretend. I came undone two years ago and there are no pieces left to pick up. Even before developing acute psychosis I was always dysfunctional. My mind was, stunted, I was emotionally unhinged, this was reflected in my failure to make friends. This is something that has gone on since childhood. It’s in my genes, every other person in my extended family has mental illness.
I don’t believe a cure currently exists for my illness, and it may not in my lifetime. In the meantime I’m forced to lead a life of failure and embarrassment. I feel totally hopeless.
I’m sure I will drop out of school next semester, I just can’t handle the stress mentally. For 19 years my mind was expanding, with sz that growth absolutely stopped. How can I hope to compete in a world where everyone else is moving forward while I am stationary?
I am going to lead a pathetic life. I’m not saying szs are pathetic, but this illness is almost always tragic when it runs its course.
One of my worst symptoms is an inability to express my thoughts in words. This is made worse by poverty of thought, where my thoughts are sparse, thought perseveration, where I have repetitive thoughts, and slowed thinking, where there is no fluidity of thought. There were points where I was editing this writing where I had to go back and remove statements I had simply repeated. My thinking is that bad.
If you’ve read this far, I challenge you to tell me something I haven’t heard before which can convince me to keep going. Otherwise, this was just a rant to get feelings out and you do not need to reply.