Because I spent big chunks - many years (decades) not feeling well with psychosis - delusions, lack of insight, emotional turmoil, my life seems like it sped right by me in one big haze. All those ‘lost’ years, not knowing who I really was, not caring about others, no focus, lots of confusion, no insight - its like one minute I am 21 years old and it jumps to the point in my life where I was starting to feel well on the meds (recently) like a couple of years ago only.
My past are the lost years - it just seems so sad to me now. At least I can look forward to the future, at least not all is lost
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I know how you feel sometimes when you take a new med its like “waking up” froma mental fog I was in a fog on citralopram I still feel sixteen inside LOL
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Because of my illness, because of my messed up personal time line, I do wonder where huge chunks of my life went.
14 was odd, 17 was chaos and it just got worse from there for so long. It’s been getting better, but feels like it’s taken 6 years to get here.
This past year has been a very good one for me. I really do hope I can have more then one good year in my life.
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I feel like that sometimes. I’ve spent a lot of time isolating. Part of it I did deliberately. I felt I wanted to “find myself” and some old quote said that you really get to know yourself by being alone. Kind of hokey I know. I feel that I always have a choice to isolate or not. I’ve always worked so I get out, but now I will leave myself open to meeting someone or some people. My family and my therapist and psychiatrist are trying to help me with this. But yeah, I took myself out of the game for quite awhile. One foot in, and one foot out of society.
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When I was in high school I was pretty bitter and depressing. It was because I never felt connected to anyone and I was rather alone. It was my fault because when I get close to people it kind of freaks me out so I would always immediately start distancing myself. I was so sad and sarcastic people used to call me Eeyore lol.
Then in college I stayed in a major that didn’t fit me because it was what I thought I was supposed to do. Then after I couldn’t handle it any longer I switched to another major I wasn’t good at. I never graduated even though I went for almost seven years.
After that I moved half way across the country to start a new life. It’s actually a pretty brave thing to do, move somewhere you don’t know anyone or even have a potential job lined up at. While I was there, the schizophrenia developed.
So I have spent many nights wondering ‘What if I learned how to connect to people in high school.’ ‘What if I had tried different things in college and career I could have enjoyed.’ ‘What if I didn’t get sick.’ But at some point I just had to let the what ifs go. What if’s can rip you apart. I just concentrate on what I can do now.
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You always have the present. I tell myself.
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It seems like I have frittered away most of my life too. I suppose I can say that mental illness caused it all, but that still doesn’t make all those lost years any better. I’ve letter bitterness and hatred overtake me, and I can’t seem to extricate myself from it.
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i wonder where my life went too…down the swanney, that’s where. it makes me so angry that i ever smoked dope. it gave my enemies the perfect excuse for this “illness” and i hate hearing voices and everything that goes with it. i think i wasted my life on ■■■■ drugs that didn’t do me any favours at all. 25 years of drug, sexual, physical and mental abuse later, i’m left here wondering where the hell my life went. i’m now 40 years old, looking haggard, overweight, with no job and my dreams in tatters. some people r just plain wicked and evil. am i bitter? i am, yes. sometimes i think of my future and all i c is more years on benefits, scrimping and saving and it makes me soooo angry but moreover just plain sad that a life has come to this because of both myself and other people. i only wish i was stronger. all that aside? let’s c what my future holds. it may not b the future i want right now but things can change i think. wants can change over time. let’s c if mine do xxx
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same thing for me but its been 6 years now iam 31 seem like I was in time warp or something I think I get what you mean
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the same place i left mine…
take care
Also remember that you define the worthiness of your life. It isn’t defined by how much money you have, how successful you are, whether you have a chin dimple, whether you can do that thing where you properly say a Spanish person’s name with an ‘r’ in it because you can roll your tongue. None of that matters if it doesn’t matter to you. Try to do things that make you feel proud even if they are small. Do that and you start on the path to finding peace with yourself.
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