What do you when you realize you’re in a relationship with someone who doesn’t love you as much as you love them? How do you cope with the realization that they just aren’t capable of that kind of love? How do you redraw your boundaries and give only what is healthy for you to give? What do you say to yourself in the mirror when you realize you’ve been abused by this person for years and it’s your fault for not setting boundaries in the first place? How do you let go of the past and start fresh without resentments and let that person be who they are today? How do you love yourself enough to stand firm? How do prepare yourself to live without them if they won’t respect you boundaries? And how do you process the pain?
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Hi, @Leaf. Sorry to hear you’re in a tough position. I can only relate by thinking of my siblings and their families – which is different, I know. It wasn’t like an intimate relationship is. I was very close to my mother, tho, and felt like I couldn’t live without her. She believed she loved people, but really she just put unreasonable demands on their emotions. So, that’s a bit like not respecting boundaries… I had a longer-term friendship with someone who in the end “ghosted” me. But it wasn’t like living together.
Sorry. It just pains me to hear you suffering so. Is there anything I can do?
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Maybe you should look for a therapist who can help you. Maybe she or he could sort things out for you, and give you a new perspective.
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I’ve spoken to a therapist and they say set boundaries. I feel I need more specifics. I guess I will bring it up on a case by case basis until I get it down pat.
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Maybe you could do some play acting with your therapist about certain issues you have. Maybe you could try saying, “Honey, I do a lot of the housework around here, and I would appreciate it if you did a little more. Take out the trash sometimes. Sweep the front porch. It’s only fair.” You don’t have to ask the whole world of him. Just try to get him doing a few things that show he’s doing his part.
Thanks @borath for your response. I think you know my situation better than you think, I’m speaking about my daughter. She’s terrible to me and I’m done. I love more than life it’s self but for the good of both of us I have to set these limits. She struggles with relationships with others because I was never able to teach her to have a relationship with me. So now, at 19 it’s time I show her how it’s done. I have a lot on my plate right now but this is my main priority. I just feel like I’m fumbling around in the dark trying to do this. She’s very hard to get along with. I think she has BPD. They can be scary to deal with. But I can’t just walk away, I have a duty I feel and it is my hearts desire to have a loving, reciprocal relationship with her.
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lol. It’s not my honey I’m talking about. It’s my daughter. My honey does most of the housework. He’s the best.
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If a person is an abusive person it doesn’t matter how many boundaries you set. They will cross them.
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She is 19yo… You say you’re both done and can’t walk away in the same paragraph. Can she take care of herself? If she’s borderline, then maybe not? Can you get her into some kind of counseling (maybe she’s the one who needs it more than you)? BPD is indeed difficult. She’ll be like a child inside. Her emotional age will be much younger than her physical age.
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Oh. I stand corrected.
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I take back what I said. I didn’t know she was BPD. That’s different
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you are correct, in some ways shes still a child
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I met one BPD person, a 34yo woman who behaved like a 14yo. Her mother told her she was good, but in small doses. She had a meth addiction problem, too, and was bipolar. But the last I heard was that she was doing much better and was living with her mother’s family. This woman was very intelligent.
Another thing I recall re: BPD: the person with it tends to make a god out of the people she admires. Does your daughter look up to anybody in particular, @Leaf? Someone with some influence on her? It might be a way to get her attention and steer her in the right direction.
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she looks up to her aunt, and does listen to her somewhat. That’s a good idea to get my sister on board with this.
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Anything that works is worth a try.
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you know, i was just talking about this with my therapist.
i was recently diagnosed with bpd
and now i’m starting to point out my errors and i’m trying to adjust.
what you’re describing sounds like me 100%
it’s tough.
still in the healing process cause this person decided to walk away from my life too.
so yeah.
but anyways, setting boundaries is important. i suggest dbt (dialectical behavior therapy) because it helped me a lot.
not saying you have bpd
just giving you some empathy.
but it be like that sometimes.
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I’m sorry to hear you are going through heartbreak @Leaf. I’m going through something very similar. A certain woman that I know holds me tight in her grip and I just can’t let go even though everyone tells me I should and I know in my heart that they are right.
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