Right before meds when i was psychotic i would say delusions were the worst. My pdoc said we might lower my dose in the near future and will probably wean me off medication in the future to see if i really need them but this is what i fear the most if id relapse. To have really strong delusions and i would belive them. I didn´t hallucinate much so i can´t say anything about that, have no voices either currently (never really had them).
The second thing would be after meds. I had little motivation on 9mg of invega. My pdoc lowered my dose to 6mg for this reason too and my motivation got much better instantly and its alright now. Not like before meds, but alright. I also gain weight easily and i never feel sleepy. Id say those things are/were the worst in my case.
For a while the delusions and hallucinations sort of melded together. I’ve had some big ones that I’ve acted on. Felt like such an idiot when it was discovered that nothing was happening and it was all my head circus.
Stuff like that really rattles me. It’s hard to trust myself or feel like I know myself when it happens.
For a while I also went through some very deep negative symptoms. I was motionless… just living in my head… watching the shadows of a passing day rise and fade on my bedroom walls. My family had to almost physically pull me out of bed to get me up and moving.
I am so very thankful for the med tinkering… cutting the Seroquel back down to 50 mg and the addition of latuda helped me pull out of that one. My motivation is getting better… my cognitive abilities are getting better too.
Concentration is coming back a bit and the flat emptiness and disconnected numbness has been going away.
I hate to say it… but I do miss the manic euphoria. But it’s not helpful to getting through my day.
Being psychotic, thinking I was in an alternate reality and thinking I couldn’t fatally harm myself no matter what I did, combined with the desire to prove that this was the case. Lucky to be alive really.
On clozapine ten years
Am very well balanced most of time
But get “breakthrough symptoms” about once a week where I will hear voices and feel being watched
…Me I’m handling my sz pretty well right now in my judgment…the voices are funny or what I say back to them is funny & my angering them by what I say cracks me up LOLOL…my “delusions” from things like what is recorded in this youtube video (the American gov’t secretly fighting against some people) aren’t hampering me at the moment:
I was like that for about 72 hours, I was picked up on the street by the police and hospitalised. Abilify sorted it out after about 3 long months in hospital. I was about a few hours away from "putting my theory to the test "
Then you are really lucky to be alive. I was like that for a day and a half before my parents called an ambulance and i was hospitalized. Got better in a few days but i stayed in there for a little more than a month.
Worst symptom used to be hallucinations, now it’s delusions. I even know they’re delusional but I can’t help but think these thoughts, it’s involuntary and it’s no fun.
People act like we can control being delusional…no, but we can control our behavior if we know that what we think is most likely due to our illness.
Like when my parents ask me what I’m thinking…it gets ugly because I’m honest.
the disorganized thinking…i say it was spurred on by the “voices”…internal voices
external voices were bad too, but i only had it a few times…i imagine that would be the worst if it were nonstop all the time…but i remember “my” voices, caused me to take 3 hours to go grocery shopping only to run out of the store all paranoid and buy nothing…probably leaving everyone in fear
