Schizophrenia.com

What have I gotten myself into

For almost three years, I’ve been in a downward spiral, mentally and emotionally. I’ve been on several medications, but none of the cocktails seem to level me out. I am schizophrenic, agoraphobic, a sprinkle of OCD (‘cleanliness is next to godliness, so WASH YOUR BLOODY HANDS GODDANGIT!!!’), “threatened with being diagnosed with” Aspergers, flat affect, and the cherry on top, psychotic episodes that I desperately try to keep in check by shutting myself away as much as possible.

In November, my sister asked me to come live with her and two of her children (the third is away at college) because of my declining health. My therapist thought it was a great idea and was nerve pluckingly positive about it, to the point of where I was just shy of taking a nail gun to her forehead. My landlady was positive and generous with her opinion, that she believed it would be a good idea for me healthwise. Even I was hoping against hope that this was the best idea for me and it would help me a lot.

It’s now almost April. I haven’t been on any meds or been to a doctor or seen a therapist (or been out of the house) since November. My sister is going through a really nasty divorce and I just cannot add to her plate with my problems. I’m doing my best to keep myself in check, under control.

It’s like living in The Lord of the Flies here. She lets her kids rule and walk all over her. They’re disrespectful and entitled acting walking, talking, breathing germ bags. The boy is absolutely filthy and smells constantly of body odor. The girl is just gross, and is constantly kissing the dog directly on the mouth – it wouldn’t shock me if one day tongue is involved. College boy is forever making remarks like, ‘A real man needs to do this or that’ – I finally asked if he was trying to convince himself or everyone else of his manhood… None of them clean up after themselves. None of them take care of their belongings or respect other people’s belongings. They do not wash their hands once they’ve gone to the bathroom – or wash them EVER. All of them are smart mouthed and backtalking. None of them (college boy included) have any consideration for anyone.

The house is filthy. Its like she only cleans when the college boy is coming home for breaks. The night I moved in, I walked into a house with two dripping bags of garbage at the front door… a sink full of dirty dishes, overflowing to the counters… dirty dishes and trash left on the furniture… food on the floors, tumbleweeds of dog hair built up beneath furniture and in the corners… sticky counters… filthy bathrooms, with urine drips, hairballs, a filthy buildup of dust in the shower and outside, body sponges with pinkish red fungus growing on them… And she just walked past it all and the lazy lumps of teenaged/of age nothingness did absolutely NOTHING.

I fight my rage. I have so much anger building up inside and the voices are just awful. I want to yell and scream, and say the most awful things. I want my words to hit them like a sandblaster on their skin. I want my words to be poisonous venom. I’m scared to eat anything because of the germs, because they touch EVERYTHING. I talk to my sister, but I’ve gotten to the point where I can’t stand these other people in the house. I look at them and they turn my stomach. I do not like them. I stay in my room. During the day, I come out and clean the downstairs, but when they get home from school I go back to my room – and spring break is next week… holy freakin’ hell. My room is my safe place. It’s quiet. It’s clean. It’s organized. I can shut the door and lock it or pull my oversized chair in front of it if I need to.

I’m just really scared of ‘their’ ideas. I sleep a lot to keep them quiet. It’s like the minute I step outside of my room ‘they’re’ on me, saying things.

I shouldn’t have come here. Now I’m here and I’m stuck. I hate it here and that only makes it all worse.

I would try to get on disability hopefully SSDI if you have worked a lot before you got sick. you sound pretty together except a few twangs of delusional thinking. You are not stuck…just apply for disability and then you can get your own place? good luck.

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I did apply for SSD and had a hearing date, but when I moved to another state everything had to be moved and delayed. So, it’s a wait and see sort of situation. I think the biggest part of my problem (the problem with me) is that I’ve lived as a recluse (no television, internet, radio, only going to the store twice a year, etc…) for a very long time and I’ve literally thrust myself into an almost ‘circus’ environment. I didn’t even have the luxury of being a slow cooked frog – where I was lulled into getting used to the water turning into a rapid boil. I just threw myself into pot.

Before, living on my own, I limited who could come to my house. My therapists came to my house and would bring my medicine to me. I only allowed two non-professionals to visit me and their visits were very short, because I just can’t handle others being in my space. Living here, when things become too much for me, I just shut myself away. I try to stay as quiet and still as possible to calm down and to get through the build up of what feels like is going to make me explode. After a few days or a week or so, I ease myself out again. I’m not on any medication at this time, so I literally have to work through all my anxieties.

Currently, I would not like to move out on my own here. I do not like living in this state. If my sister moves, I would move with her, then I would possibly work on getting into a very modest, quiet and secure place. Maybe I shouldn’t have used the word, stuck. I voluntarily placed myself in this position, so I truly have no one to blame but myself. I guess I minimalized every aspect of how these changes would effect me. It was a huge adjustment for me and I didn’t think it all the way through.

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(hanging head in shame) I’ve sort of been liking that my sister is too preoccupied to want to take me to the doctor/psychologist. As an experienced and skilled hermit, this truly works out great for me. When I first moved here in November, we were going to a local doctor/psychologist and on the way, got caught in a traffic jam and that’s when she told me that our brother (that I hadn’t seen in more than 20 years) was going to come and visit a couple of days — please note – this is NOT what you want to tell a non-medicated schizophrenic agoraphobic (who only goes out twice per year) trapped in a vehicle, in a traffic jam!!

Another part of it, because I’ve moved into a new state, I would have to have a state ID… that means a trip to the DMV!! My head would explode!!

Ergo, I am like a shadow, smoke, silent flatulence… I live very quietly. I shut myself away in my room when the rest of the house gets to be too much for me. This way, my sister doesn’t even think about doctors, psychologists and medicine, and my head stays intact.

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PS We never got to see the doctor/psychologist, because they needed a state ID… We then went to the DMV, but they’re closed on Mondays. After that, we never got around to it and I never mention it. Silent flatulence… Ha!!

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A visit to DMV calls for desperate measures…

One of the dogs died soon after I arrived (don’t worry, I had nothing to do with it – it had cancer); I could always sedate myself with one of the leftover doggy morphines…

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LOL I promise… I’ll just say NO to vet meds…

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