For almost three years, I’ve been in a downward spiral, mentally and emotionally. I’ve been on several medications, but none of the cocktails seem to level me out. I am schizophrenic, agoraphobic, a sprinkle of OCD (‘cleanliness is next to godliness, so WASH YOUR BLOODY HANDS GODDANGIT!!!’), “threatened with being diagnosed with” Aspergers, flat affect, and the cherry on top, psychotic episodes that I desperately try to keep in check by shutting myself away as much as possible.
In November, my sister asked me to come live with her and two of her children (the third is away at college) because of my declining health. My therapist thought it was a great idea and was nerve pluckingly positive about it, to the point of where I was just shy of taking a nail gun to her forehead. My landlady was positive and generous with her opinion, that she believed it would be a good idea for me healthwise. Even I was hoping against hope that this was the best idea for me and it would help me a lot.
It’s now almost April. I haven’t been on any meds or been to a doctor or seen a therapist (or been out of the house) since November. My sister is going through a really nasty divorce and I just cannot add to her plate with my problems. I’m doing my best to keep myself in check, under control.
It’s like living in The Lord of the Flies here. She lets her kids rule and walk all over her. They’re disrespectful and entitled acting walking, talking, breathing germ bags. The boy is absolutely filthy and smells constantly of body odor. The girl is just gross, and is constantly kissing the dog directly on the mouth – it wouldn’t shock me if one day tongue is involved. College boy is forever making remarks like, ‘A real man needs to do this or that’ – I finally asked if he was trying to convince himself or everyone else of his manhood… None of them clean up after themselves. None of them take care of their belongings or respect other people’s belongings. They do not wash their hands once they’ve gone to the bathroom – or wash them EVER. All of them are smart mouthed and backtalking. None of them (college boy included) have any consideration for anyone.
The house is filthy. Its like she only cleans when the college boy is coming home for breaks. The night I moved in, I walked into a house with two dripping bags of garbage at the front door… a sink full of dirty dishes, overflowing to the counters… dirty dishes and trash left on the furniture… food on the floors, tumbleweeds of dog hair built up beneath furniture and in the corners… sticky counters… filthy bathrooms, with urine drips, hairballs, a filthy buildup of dust in the shower and outside, body sponges with pinkish red fungus growing on them… And she just walked past it all and the lazy lumps of teenaged/of age nothingness did absolutely NOTHING.
I fight my rage. I have so much anger building up inside and the voices are just awful. I want to yell and scream, and say the most awful things. I want my words to hit them like a sandblaster on their skin. I want my words to be poisonous venom. I’m scared to eat anything because of the germs, because they touch EVERYTHING. I talk to my sister, but I’ve gotten to the point where I can’t stand these other people in the house. I look at them and they turn my stomach. I do not like them. I stay in my room. During the day, I come out and clean the downstairs, but when they get home from school I go back to my room – and spring break is next week… holy freakin’ hell. My room is my safe place. It’s quiet. It’s clean. It’s organized. I can shut the door and lock it or pull my oversized chair in front of it if I need to.
I’m just really scared of ‘their’ ideas. I sleep a lot to keep them quiet. It’s like the minute I step outside of my room ‘they’re’ on me, saying things.
I shouldn’t have come here. Now I’m here and I’m stuck. I hate it here and that only makes it all worse.