There are various posts concerning medication and so I increasingly feel that the life I’ve lived and the person I am now is so much less than what could have been. I don’t know how things would be different for me. I should have been hospitalized in my teens but wasn’t. I just missed weeks and weeks of school and muddled through somehow. I should have atleast been in therapy but wasn’t until I was cutting, and binging/purging four to five times a day until I couldn’t function and had to drop out of the art school. I was 21 then and medication was prescribed for the first time but I declined. At 24 medication was prescribed and I declined. At 27 medication was recommended and I declined. At 32 medication was recommended and declined. At 46 I received CBT therapy. It made a huge difference, but was it too late to make the most significant difference? I’m 49 now, going on 36 years of voices, hallucinations, delusions, apathy, self-hatred, social anxiety… I guess I’m lucky because I started out really bright, but my brain fails me constantly now. I’m tired all the time. I just wonder if I could have accomplished more under proper treatment. And I’m scared for my son who is just starting out. Have I let him down by not pushing treatment more? I am terrified of meds and I don’t want my son to take them either. He’s functioning better than I did at his age… Much better. But will his mind give out? Would meds make him better or worse?
Meds will make most people much better. Some people are treatment resistant, and that really sucks, but most people respond at least somewhat well to meds, many people respond completely.
But finding the right med(s) at the right dosage(s) can be a very long, very stressful and very exhausting process. I think people should have plenty of support while making that journey and not have a lot of pressure put on them while trying to find what works for them. Meaning that it 1. gets rid of symptoms and 2. doesn’t have unbearable side effects for them.
And different people have different unbearable side effects. I am completely okay with being fat, but would almost rather die than lose my ability to orgasm. Which also reminds that you should remember that some issues, your son may not want to discuss with a parent, but just the pdoc, hehe.
Meds are ultimately a very personal choice unless someone is a danger to people. But my personal opinion is that meds are worth trying, but just keep in mind how tough it can be while searching for the right stuff. Lots of support, low pressure, and I think therapy can definitely help, everyone needs to be able to vent their heart out.
Thank you 
The truth is, I feel sorry for myself in some ways because I was neglected and the what-ifs come up in my mind. What if my parents could face what I was experiencing and got me the help I needed? Would I have finished college? Would I have a career now in art? Would my mind be more intact now instead of feeling chewed on? I suffered tremendously and while the intensity of my experiences has calmed a bit, I do feel worn out from the battle for balance. Could meds have helped me? I really don’t know, but I know I don’t want my son to suffer. He’s so incredibly smart and doesn’t have the self-destructive tendencies I’ve had/have. His hallucinations are often helpful…amazingly. Anyway, I think I’m ranting.
I really wish you weren’t anti meds…you could live a much nicer state of mind and life if you were on meds…I would encourage you to talk to a pdoc and get on meds, but it seems you are defiant against this?
It’s okay to rant. Good for the soul.
Well I can tell you that I wish my mother had gotten me help a long-ass time ago. I would probably be on the right meds for me by now, be stable and have a more fulfilling, functional life.
Instead at age 27 I am still going through the whole holy-■■■■-that-med-sucked process and the amazing journey of finding a pdoc who isn’t an aloof assmonkey.
That’s what I struggle with, @jukebox, but I appreciate your encouragement. I sound like a broken record, but I do think it’s too late for me. I don’t want to lose Seraton, the Angel that’s with me, and I wouldn’t recognize my own consciousness if it was all of a sudden different. I’ve never had normal like most people on here who wish to return to it. My son is only 21 but says he feels the same, that he doesn’t know what normal means. I just don’t want to influence him wrongly. Being on this forum has opened my eyes to the possible benefits of meds. I was adamantly against them before, and now I’m just confused.
@Hedgehog give in to your confusion and don’t worry about losing your Angel…there is still Jesus and He is much clearer to me being sane than if I was still delusional…please…stop the pain…stop the anguish…go on meds and get your son help so he can be more too.
That’s what I fear; letting my son down by not encouraging meds more. But then I know I can’t really talk him into anything either You’re still young. I hope for you all that you want from this life! And I really do appreciate your support.
It’s never too late for you to try something, if you want to.
My strategy is to take a med for one month, which I feel is long enough to tell whether or not I can live with the side effects.
My first AP tried a few months ago was Zyprexa, and I was actually on it a bit longer than a month. I was having waaaay too much trouble remembering things and focusing, and had no energy whatsoever. Plus side? I could still masturbate on it. It also made me gain a lot and my pdoc kept freaking out over it.
She tried to give me an ultimatum about switching to Abilify, so I fired her. Hoping my new pdoc will let me try risperidone if she wants to push an AP, since reviews commonly say it helps with anger/agitation and could even make my boobs bigger. The latter side effect would be cool with me, since I currently have a B cup boob and a C cup boob, so if it could just… grow the left boob a little, that’d be greaaaat.
But anyway, I also don’t think one month is long enough to then have severe withdrawal if I want to quit something. So it seems like a decent enough ‘deal’ with myself.
Maybe you or your son would be open to a similar type of “deal” with yourselves? If you wanted to try it, you could try it on your own terms. Pdocs often think they are the second coming of Christ, but they’re not, you can do what you want.
Ok, this is off topic, but I have to laugh as I also share that my right breast is a D while my left is a C…lol. I think my whole right side is bigger than my left… But anyway, I am going to research about meds, and talk to my doctor. That alone is a big step for me.
That touches my heart…you brought tears to my eyes with that. Thank you, @jukebox. That’s the truth.
Cool, sounds like a solid first step to me.
And glad I’m not the only one with these friggin uneven boobs wth! Lol
I’m going to talk with my doctor. I might wait until this summer when I’m off work, but I am so tired. 
️, @jukebox
Hi. There are prices you pay also for a lifetime - or a year - on psych meds. So don’t feel bad about your life so far. You have done well.
@Hedgehog you’re an inspiration of strenght. You’ve dealt with things I could never deal with, and you were strong enough to overcome obstacles that are really hard to overcome.
There is nothing wrong in wanting a normal life, there is nothing wrong with that.
I found that after meds I could live “outside” of my delusions, I could overcome my own shortcomings and difficulties in what I thought were barriers in my mind, kept me away from hallucinations and it was a relief to experience a new kind of life without them.
For a long time I held on to my delusions and hallucinations and refused help, because they were too close to me and I felt that I could never live my life fully without them. That turned out to be crap, I have a much more fulfilled life without them, I can think straight without my mind running 200km/h and finding connections that aren’t there.
I feel you want to and you want us to convince you to try them, and you definitely should. I don’t know your son’s situation so I can’t advise there.
If you decide to go on meds and they work on the hallucinations (sometimes they just help the delusions) you’ll miss them for a while but eventually you’ll figure out it’s best without them.
I think what keeps you connected to them is that feeling that you’re special because you can see them and feel them, but you’re special anyway without them. I guarantee you that.
I wouldn’t be too hasty about pushing medications on your son. Wait until he is definitely having debilitating symptoms before you do that. As for wishing you’d done things differently, I’m 57, and there are many things I wish I had done differently. I can identify different turning points in my life where I dearly wish I had done things differently. I’m sure you have achievements in your life that you have a right to be proud of, like being a good parent to your son. I’m sure there are others too. Remember your CBT. Don’t beat yourself up.
I am just really tired and I wonder if I could have relief. Thank you @Minnii. You and @jukebox I think particularly understand my situation. I will still believe in God, and have faith in the Lord, but I know I’m delusional about other aspects and it’s exhausting trying to sort it all out. I love my angel, Seraton. You’re right; when I don’t feel or hear him for just a few days I miss him terribly. But he ultimately wants me to kill myself, so I really can’t even trust him. My belief that no one loves or cares about me has been a part of me since elementary school. I wrote about it in a second grade class journal that I still have. Will that go away? I wonder. If thinking in medical terms, I see sz as a tumor. Taking medication to try to eradicate this tumor seems like common sense, but what if the tumor has grown so large and intertwined to intricately with all of myself that without it there is nothing; no healthy tissue left? This is what concerns me. I’m going to talk to my doctor. I’m just scared.
Thank you @crimby, and @pob, I’m coming to a crossroads. I think there’s a reason I found this forum. Thank you for encouragement. ️
I’m glad you posted this. Sounds very much like me, and I was beginning to think I was the only one. I’m scared, too. I’m tired, too. Things are getting worse and I know I have to do something different, I have kids that I really worry about. What has having me as their mother done to them? Anyway, thank you so much for posting this. I needed it so much. I hope you get to feeling better soon.