I think I understand what you are saying here, that taking medication with eradicate pretty much all of who you are?
I don’t know whether you will or won’t try medication. If you do, what if you try writing a letter to yourself about everything you are (intelligent, have an angel Seraton, if you like reading books etc) before you start taking anything, seal it and put it away for a few months when the medicine kicks in. Then you can read it and see if you still identify with the person who wrote the letter.
I think I may be way off but I would like to let you know I care.
Wow, @leelee, yes, it tears me apart when I think about my son’s experiences growing up. He’s 21 now and he also has sz, so in a very weird way we’re deeply bonded in that. I’m really open with him and encourage him to express himself. I know I did the best I could with the help of my parents/family. He knows I love him with all my heart. Once you have a child, what more can we do? As far as medication goes, I think it’s a heavy decision, but I’m considering it because I need help. I’m not in therapy right now though either so I’m alone in my head. I need to take action in some way to get help. I hope you do too. Especially if you’re still raising your kids. You need help and replenishing yourself. ️
Yea, I’m struggling so much because I get in there with the Dr and its like something else takes over and I can’t say what I need to. Like I’m being forced to come!across as normal, whatever that means. I’m!trying to just write it all down, like turnip suggested to me. I hope we both make it. I think my youngest son may have sz. He has anxiety and nightmares and can be very inappropriate, and he tells me about his intrusive, terrifying thoughts, just so much that is exactly like me. But he won’t talk to anyone. Do you mind my asking, do you feel like you’ve been able to fly under the radar kinda with your illness? Like, to most people, you would appear that you had depression and not sz? I was hospitalized a lot in my teens and boy did I learn to be careful with what I said to people. Anyway, sorry if I’m rambling, having a hard time getting to the point, saying what I mean. I hope you keep us posted and I truly hope that you feel better soon.
You’re not rambling at all! Yes, I’ve kept secrets and been careful my whole life, much to my own detriment! I have been diagnosed with chronic depression, social anxiety disorder, and the easy one, Bulimia. When I got CBT therapy finally about three years ago now, that was the first environment I felt I could talk about hallucinations, etc, and about my childhood sexual abuse. Secrets are so damaging. I was told that I probably have sz, but that I “didn’t need another diagnosis” at one point though, so that was just irresponsible. Anyway, you’re not alone in your struggles, and aren’t we ******* amazing for making it this far?! God bless your little boy! My son was always different. I thought maybe he had autism, but he functioned so well that I wanted to avoid labeling. When he turned 18 he told me, very emotionally, about the experiences he had been having with voices and hallucinations since he was about 13. I didn’t know. But that’s the age mine really started too and I told him about myself. Have you talked to his pediatrician?
We seem to have a lot in common! I was diagnosed with bipolar when I was in my very early teens, I think mainly because my father had it. But, turns out when he was dying, I learned he had been taking meds for sz. His father was paranoid sz, it’s also on my mother’s side. Just found that out, too. Another Dr told me I have sza when I was about 19, which I decided I didn’t have, so I kept that to myself for many, many years. I deeply regret that, because there has definitely been a progression. We ARE awesome for making it this far! Sometimes I marvel at the hope I seem to have, even if sometimes I feel like I’m losing it. I have so much gear about being honest about myself and my son, I don’t want his childhood to be like mine, in and out of the hospital. And he refuses to talk when I have tried to get him help. He won’t say a word. I see my Dr again in 2 weeks and I’m just going to put it all out there. Because I’m scared, it’s really affected everything about my life and my marriage and I worry for my kids so much I almost can’t stand it. My negative symptoms are just the worst right now. I hardly leave my house. Can’t do much of anything. Getting up and changing my clothes is sometimes all I accomplish in a day. Most days. And I’m under constant stress, living in a house that a family member owns, a family member who has been abusive to me, who I am 99% sure has narcissistic personality disorder. That is NOT paranoia, my husband has witnessed their behavior. So I feel trapped and sort of at the mercy of this monster of a human being who targeted my family, duped us. NOW I’m rambling lol Thanks for talking with me.
You’re very strong and should be proud! We definitely have a lot in common…When you said you can hardly stand to think about what your son might go through. I know how you feel. I tell my husband (not my son’s dad) that I love my son so desperately that it feels like torture! Knowing he has sz and that it could go any which way for him tears me apart. But, he’s doing well right now and managing. Your son is still young and having him learn about coping strategies so early will be good. I always communicated with my son that there’s nothing wrong with him. When he told me about his experiences and was so emotional and distraught, I told him that I was worried. I told him how I have coped for years, and about our family history, etc. Even though I do worry, I let him know that this is not the end of the line, but that he’ll always have to be aware and careful to maintain balance. Wow, rambling…sorry. I’m considering trying meds this summer while I’m not working. I haven’t decided, but I do go through times when I wonder how much longer I can go.
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