What did I do to deserve this?

I don’t know what I did. I thought I led a good life and then BAM 21 = schizophrenia diagnosis. I’m doing everything in my power to be a good person. I’m doing everything in my power to live a good life. Yet, still I"m failing. I’m falling apart and now I’m dragging my family down with me. I don’t know what to do with myself anymore. I don’t know how to fight anymore. I’ve used all my weapons, all my defenses, and all my allies. I just don’t know what to do.

Does anyone have any advice and how to take the ALL CONSUMING thoughts of pure hatred towards yourself and turn them around? I hate everything about me. Everything I’ve ever been and everything I am today. I just want to like the ‘normal’ people. I just want to live without having to fight so hard. I’m tired of fighting and I’m ready to give up. My husband won’t let me give up, he says he needs me. But lately it seems I can’t do anything but weigh him down. He says I’m not a burden, but I know I must be. How can I make life easier for everyone, including myself?

What therapy have you tried? A good place to start if you haven’t taken the plunge yet.

I’m in therapy. I see my therapist every week and I love her. She tells me it’s the medication switchover and it’ll get better. She also gives me things to try, some work, some don’t. Right now it’s like nothing is working. I’m just in a very depressed state, however I did just see an old post of mine that someone responded to where they combined my two favorite animals into one. A llama and a turtle. It brought a big smile to my face.

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Why does there have to be a reason? Bad things just happen.

Try to ride it out till the meds kick in.

Maybe some pugs will help…

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i am sorry you are feeling bad at the moment.
cbt is helping me heaps…
positive affirmations and meditations might help with brain training…re-thinking the negative.
a couple of weeks ago i was ’ out for the count '…but i got over that mountain…and am doing well.
know some one cares.
take care

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The human mind is an adaptable thing. As long as you survive you will probably adapt. It all depends on what symptoms your having. Look at the bright side though your not in denial and your seeking help. This is a very open community your welcome to stay as long as you’d like. Just leaves me wondering why do you hate yourself?

I’m 53. I was diagnosed with paranoid schizophrenia way back in 1980 when I was 19. I’m doing OK now. I live by myself, I own my car, I take online classes, and I work part-time. But it wasn’t always like this. I spent three years suffering when I first got diagnosed. I was locked up in a psychiatric hospital for 8 months in my early twenties. I’ve been strapped down by chains and cuffs on all four limbs before face down on a table so I couldn’t move. I’ve been so medicated I could hardly walk. I didn’t function for those three years.
My first three years I felt like I would go stark raving mad at any second. For THREE years. Nothing helped.
But here’s what I did : I took my medication religiously. I keep appointments with my therapist and my psychiatrist, I listened to my family and took most of their suggestions and it helped me. I went along with the program. When they took me to all my hospitalizations I didn’t WANT to go but I did anyway. I went to the day programs, and the vocational programs.
But to tell you the truth I’m not too thrilled with myself either. Just like you. I’ve hated myself before, I certainly have not liked myself for long periods of time. Just like you. I hate to say it but sometimes there’s just no answers and you have to put one foot front of the other and endure the unfair, excruciating pain of schizophrenia. I guarantee that other people have been through worse than you and came out the other side. Being a good person is a good goal. I want to be a good person and people have told me that I am. It’s hard when you are seeing all the mean people getting what they want by being mean. But anyway, I would say to use all your resources you have available in your area. Maybe you can find a day program to keep you busy and help you until you get back on track. Or a SIMPLE volunter job.
Anyway, I just got back from having dinner with my two older sisters. Tomorrow I have to get up at 5:30 am to get ready and go to work. Life’s not easy but it’s not hopeless . I had every reason to give up, but I’m glad I didn’t. I had lot’s of help though. i wish you good luck.

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Sorry you are not doing well,

All I can suggest is just to try and relax if you can, give yourself plenty of rewards whenever you accomplish a task and try to just feel better,

I remember getting a relaxation tape from my care team and that really helped with relaxing bc I was very tense its a bit like meditation with breathing exercises etc it helped calm me down for a while, the effects didn’t last but while I was doing it I felt really good and that was a nice change.

I also take medication but you should definitely talk about this with your doc if you have one.

I blame God. For the first time in my life I have gotten angry at God for what happens with me personally. Before, I just blamed him for all the suffering in the world. That self hatred game can be very harmful. Fight it if you can.

it is not whether you are good or bad or whether you deserve it or not, it is just the cards we have been dealt. some people get born without hearing or sight, we ended up with distorted minds.

the pugs helped me :smile:

Sorry you don’t feel well. I have thoughts of giving up and end my misery from time to time. Often when I’m depressed. But it gets better! Life is a roller coaster. It goes up and it goes down. Right meds keep you safe in the cart so you can handle the ups and downs.

There are parts of myself I hate bitterly. People often don’t get what they deserve, and they don’t deserve what they get. I hate to use a cliché, but life isn’t fair.

Your question of what you did to deserve this almost sounds like the bargaining phase of grief. Why me is common. I think we all go through this at one point or another.

When I went through a period like this, the thoughts were all consuming. My boyfriend said I became so self-centered it was hard to be with me, like an addict or alcoholic becomes a narcissist. The only advice I can offer is to try to get out of your head and do things. Distract yourself from the thoughts. Get hobbies, do stuff with your friends. In DBT we learned to take that negative thought and really ask yourself is it true or valid. Try positive cheerleading instead.

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http://forum.schizophrenia.com/t/a-thread-for-positive-affirmations-pics-quotes-etc-welcome/2297?u=barbiebf

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I am hoping your feeling a bit better. I’m sure there is a time that we all hate ourselves.

I know I do at times. It’s those past actions that come back to haunt me.

As far as feeling like your the anchor holding everyone back… your not the only one in that boat either.

Sometimes the only way I can deal with these feelings is to try and do something nice for those I feel like I’m affecting the most… a small note, some flowers, a hand with the chores.

Other times I have to go get out of the house and just take a walk, people watch, and ride it out.

Sometimes when those feeling hit me I go work in the garden. I try to put my mind completely in the task of gardening. A long walk will also help me.

Keep an eye on it and if it keeps going and going… you might want to tell the doc so you don’t go into a depressive slide.

I hope you feel better soon… please remember… your not the only one in the boat.

Hi Llama~
Hopefully it`s just the med change.
Hang tough–this stage will pass…
Much love

The real reason supposedly that he killed himself.

Because it’s all his fault.