Was away for about 3 days because I went to see my partner after 4 months since lockdown…
He brought up the topic… sex.
I got really emotional because I can’t. I just cannot bring myself to even think about it without feeling sick with anxiety.
. He did not force me so nothing happened this weekend. He said whatever it is we can work through it and he’d still be there if I did turn out to be asexual or lesbian or whatever it is I am feeling. He said we can even seek help for it he is happy to go with me. I want to be with him but I sometimes feel am I being selfish? My body repulses me, not because I am large ugly. But because I feel disgusting as if I am nasty. He said I should bring this to my psychologist as this could be a sign of body dysmorphia (spelling?)…
Also yes I question my sexuality, but the problem is I do not see myself with a girl. I only see myself with a guy. Yet I struggle to feel any sexual attraction at all. I find my partner cute very cute. But when I first met him I did not feel that.
My gosh I can relate to a lot of this. It upsets me because I have sometimes got aroused sexually but I just find it hard to go through with the act itself
I wish I could provide you with some advice but I’m still working on that myself. For me personally it has been like this ever since I can remember. I can really relate to the words you use disgusting and nasty and I do NOT wanna act on sexual feelings with that in mind because it doesn’t help it only makes things worse.
I think seeking help is a really good first step.
Your partner sounds extremely supportive. Which is very endearing and heart warming.
It could be just that you are thinking of what he is thinking of you. If he suggested body dysmorphia he is obviously attracted to you. It sounds like a case of you are thinking of what hes thinking, even though hes not actually thinking anything bad at the time. Does that make sense?
Do you feel like you struggle with hugging people as well? This is something I also struggle with because I feel too psychically disgusting… but I also think it might be because I never saw my parents show any signs of intimacy or even hugging. I never hugged my parents. So now I feel this has effected me in this sence too. I do not want it to, but sometimes the thought of sex repulses me.
He loves me, I believe him. He also says I have a very negative view of myself , I see myself negatively and expect everyone to see me as negatively as I do… but its not the case… he always tells me I am beautiful, I do not care about being beautiful or whatever but my body just repulses me… Maybe I need to bring this up with my psychologist next time.
You are probably right. It might be good to see a therapist. It sounds like you could benefit from getting help to work on yourself and the way that you see yourself.
Yes I struggle with hugging to some extent too, depending on the person depends on how much I struggle with it. My dad used to be affectionate when I was very young as I can even remember so idk if it has to do with that. I think I just feel too low in self confidence that’s why.
But yea I need to look at body positivity blogs and talks I think that can also help.
