Had my second appointment with the therapist today. She seemed very frazzled and agitated. She kept getting things about my history wrong and blaming it on that she didn’t have my papers with her. I tried to reassure her it that it was okay, but she just seemed stressed and flustered. Her eyes kept bugging out and she would wave her hands. I kept getting bad vibes from her, it was weird. And then she ended our session 10 minutes early for no apparent reason. Wonder if she was having a bad day for some reason, hope it’s not because of me somehow.
She said she can’t see me again for 17 days, but she did say she would write me a referral to see the psychiatrist, and that I should call the facility tomorrow to get an appointment set up. So that is good.
I can’t help but feel that it was because I was honest. I tried to be honest about everything, and it was like the truth was upsetting her. I hate that paradox in therapy. You’re bad if you’re not honest, but if you’re honest, the truth is bad. Oh well.
Yeah I am trying not to be judgy. I get agitated very easily but don’t show it very much outwardly. She gave me these things called mandalas and told me to color them. My honest thought was that it was almost funny in a bad way, how useless that would be. I feel like nobody ever grasps just how severe it gets inside my head. Coloring isn’t going to help, I probably won’t even be able to color when I get really bad, probably won’t even think of it. But I also always want to be polite, so I thanked her for them and told her I would try them. It’s not everyone else’s fault that I can’t properly communicate with them in some way. She was just trying to help. Since I told her that I try to distract myself with things like hair plucking, playing games, smoking, etc. So it was like she was trying to give me a new distraction to try. But I don’t really see the point of it. I am sure she meant well.
I’m glad to read you are able to see the psychiatrist. Sounds like she was just having a bad day, not your fault. Colouring in helps a lot of people. I don’t think she is expecting it to help you but she is just giving you another option to try to focus on something.
Yeah I will try it if it comes to mind. I don’t have any colored pencils, but I guess I could still try to make designs with a pen or something. I hope she is. I’ve had bad experiences with other professionals and am pretty cynical. Plus I don’t trust anyone outright, period, and when it comes to my mental health, I feel even more guarded and cynical.
I think it might also be hard for me to read people, but I don’t know. Her reactions to things didn’t make sense to me and felt threatening at times, but that has happened with tons of people throughout my life. Maybe our sessions will be easier once I am on a medication. Will have to see.
I have had some issues with this at times… until I came to think of this as too close to the paranoia I was trying to get rid of. I don’t know about you, but I have no education in treating mental health issues - these people do. It makes sense to trust them and work with them. If I am going to get my car fixed and the guy pulls out some element I never saw before, it doesn’t really make sense for me to say ‘yeah that’s not going to work’.
That is understandable. You are talking to a virtual stranger about very personal things. Just remember they can’t talk about what you have said with anyone without your permission. Spend some time next session going through privacy matters and ask your therapist how much experience she has, what training etc. She will likely be glad to answer. Tell her you have some trust concerns and she will help you through it. Just remember that you want to get better and these people are the only ones qualified to help you do that.
Good luck Turnip, I have read your posts on this board and I know this has been a long struggle for you.
I’ve had that line of thinking before, though, and some professionals have too much of their own issues. My last therapist was convinced that I had DID, that the entities that talk to me were alters, and she was anti-psychiatry and didn’t want me to be taking any medication. And eventually it got to the point where I felt like was being pressured to pretend like I had different personalities. It was so ****ing whack. And the first counselor I ever saw when I was 15 accused me of being a member of the occult, of having sexual relations with my mother and then she wanted me to turn to Jesus.
Like I can’t help it by this point in my life, I think blindly trusting people is flat out stupid. People say, “Oh they are just humans, too,” when they make mistakes, which is true and a rational way of looking at things. But when it comes to the possibility that the same professionals could be sinister or outright unstable, suddenly it’s like, “You should trust them, they are professionals.”
But at the same time I understand that most everyone means well. People want people to get the help they need, which requires giving professionals a chance. So I get it. I hope it goes well this time.
I get this, too! I never know how deeply to interpret facial expressions. Is it me, what I said, your random thought, the fly in the air?
I saw this documentary on sz the other day on youtube. It said that sz’s don’t filter any noise out—they basically walk around with full on senses (plus internal noise) all the time. I assume the same thing goes for interacting with people—like, you and I cannot filter out tiny facial expressions or changes in body language without having to pay attention to those details, so we’re overloaded with info and we have a hard time processing people’s behavior.
Remember what it was called by any chance? I’d be interested in watching it. I have sensitivity to noise and light, but it’s always made me suspect I might be on the autism spectrum, higher functioning, especially since I’m also extremely particular about my clothing, don’t like anything touching me or I freak out, so I’m almost always wearing big, baggy sweats with minimal seams and all tags removed. Etc.
I have just found over the years that people’s expressions and tones often do not match what they are saying, or what they claim their intentions are. I find it very trippy in a very unpleasant way. My current therapist is just no exception, but I’m open to the notion that it’s something wrong on my end, since I have experienced it with so many people.
Like she smirks at things that are not funny, she sounds accusatory when she’s trying to get me to talk about some things, her eyes get big over nothing, etc. My family tree is like that but much worse, and I know I picked up on a lot of it. Like laughing at things that are not funny when I am stressed out, or just randomly. When I was a kid, my father would go into rages, and he would scream at me, “I’m glad you think it’s funny!” and become even more enraged and violent. For most of my childhood I had no idea what he was talking about, because I was scared to death and did not think it was funny. But eventually I realized that I tend to smirk or laugh when I am scared.
So I also try to give people free passes for it, since I know I do it, too. It’s unnerving when it’s my therapist, though.
[IRI Training on schizophrenia full documentary]
sorry about the dude in a straight jacket pic, it looks like an old doc on the history of sz treatment.
the part about noise being equally emphasized is near 26:00 minute mark, the part where the dude’s in the restaurant.
I was also honest with her about how I had kept some of my old Zyprexa prescription pills, so that I can take one when I start feeling unhinged. I told her I had taken one on Saturday because things had started to get messed up. She told me that hearing that made her nervous, because psychiatrists don’t like it when people take medication and the psychiatrist doesn’t know about it.
To me it sounds like this therapist has a nervous condition. I wouldn’t get my hopes up about her, unless she is a lot more on the ball next session. I would wait until she showed you more interest and concern before you open up to her, and even then I would be cautious. I’ve come across good therapists and bad therapists in my time. You can’t take it for granted that they’re all on the ball.
I would be okay with it if she had an anxiety disorder, would give us a way to relate to each other right of the bat, at least. Now that I’ve had the rest of the day to mostly cool my jets, I think I got upset mostly because I felt invalidated. Like smirking at stuff that is not funny, or her accusatory tones at times. I swear I might just have BPD with psychosis, idk.
My last psychiatrist was all fidgitty at our first session, squirming around in the chair , pulling on her sleeve, looking down her dress. Her hair looked like it had been lopped off short straight across. It was making me nervous. I finally asked her if she had ants. She said “No, Dermatitis.” I think she had been treated for head lice. It was her problem, not mine.
