Schizophrenia.com

We weren't in mother's perception

I knew the word “ignored” didn’t fit what we kids went thru because to ignore someone, you have to notice them first and then reject them. We just weren’t in Mom’s perception.

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I was in her perception, but the person she was perceiving wasn’t me. At the beginning. Until I stubbornly insisted that I was there and then she then refused to accept that I was there because THAT wasn’t what she wanted. to see. And so I never was, Because. I was just trying to get the attention of one who would never perceive me and so I wasn’t seen. Even the mirror rejected me. All I had was my thumb, and they tricked that away from me. We’ll see- - - and so I ramble on. Is this what you’re saying, Chordy?

I recently had an odd experience with my mother. She got wrapped up in my paranoia a year ago, and I was convinced she was trying to kill me. I just had the realization recently that she never was trying to harm me. That I am a stupid idiot. I would stalk her around the house and once threatened her with a weapon. I feel like my actions hurt her greatly.

I feel horrible for this. I told most people I know of her “crimes” which never even happened. I mean, part of me still holds on to the idea that she is trying to harm me. Currently, I have realized this which was a major break through. It is scary how that happens. How does a daughter apologize after that?

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Medically and scientifically, you are excused from your actions and behaviors. Humanitarily though, from a love standpoint, an apology to your mom addressing that although you were ill, you realize how painful this must’ve all been for her, would help her heal. You too, in a way. No pain left tucked away heals in the proper way, as someone said.

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What about sharing what you wrote here and saying sorry? You are a good person.

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@gir & @Cochala
Yeah, but she never wants to discus the diagnosis…this is a minor problem O_O. It is like a hush hush thing in my family. I fear that she is in denial, and it is probably better for her to think her child when through a mother-hating rebellious phase than was mentally ill. Idk…I think it hurts her to knowledge this even if pdocs and other docs have informed her. :confused:

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I think you understand me very well.