Was my mother really so blissfully unaware of my father's hatred?

I’m still not well about my father. A thought of him is enough to find me close to peeing myself.

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I feel a lot of ambivalence towards my father. He had a terrible flaw, but he did a lot for me. It wasn’t until after I grew up that I could see him in a different light.

With me, it was the opposite. I hero worshipped my father until I grew up and got more realistic about him.

My dad called me worthless the other day and told my I can’t stick with anything. some truth I guess but some things I do stick with. Just nothing he cares about. This really affected my self esteem. I felt bad for days after this.

Don’t feel down man, you’ve written 2 books and made tens of rap songs, your sticking to your thing

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He doesn’t acknowledge that stuff.

My father was a mentally, physically and sexually abusive pedophile towards all of his children. He even assaulted the neighbor kids. And he was abusive his whole life. He apologized to me before he died. I am thankful for that. We had a friendship for two years before he died.

My dad died angry. He never saw the light as far as I know.

Both of my parents were terribly flawed as parents. They damaged all seven of us kids in one way or another. I felt angry fo a long time, but now I feel some compassion. My mom had mental issues that made raising any kids, let alone seven, nearly impossible for her, completely overwhelming. My dad was exhausted from working so much and we were all scared of him. But, he mellowed as he aged and I forgive him because he was a wonderful Grampy to my son…
Time does heal some wounds, at least enough to let go of deep anger. Parts of them I can’t make sense of or forgive I have to let go of for my own sake. My mom is gone, there’s nothing she can do. My dad is almost gone, there’s nothing he can do.

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