Valuble things that no one appriciates hearing that make me sound like a jerk

Please don’t read this unless you want to think I’m a jerk.
But if you do:
Please note: None of this applies to anyone here. I don’t know how you dress or act in public. I just know a lot of people like this and I needed to say something in a way that won’t get me punched. Except the stuff about salad dressing. That pretty much applies all around.

  1. Ranch dressing will make you fat. So will most other salad dressings. They are like eating a hamburger. It’s one of those things that I would have appreciated learning earlier in life.

  2. Same goes for peanut butter. It’s like avocados.

  3. Jelly just makes it worse.

  4. Bragging about your expensive trip isn’t going to impress me any more than your $500 dollar camera. Maybe if you had appreciated and posted about the architecture and taken emotional, moving photos I would be. But you didn’t. You took selfies in front of the statues. I scrolled through the pictures to see statues. Not you. Maybe once. But not every single friggin picture.

  5. Leggings aren’t pants. If I can see butt flesh under the stretched material it is not a suitable body covering. There is a narrow range of women I find attractive. You are not one of them. Don’t do it.

  6. Please wear a bra. Especially around the house. Of all the people who want to see that your family is on the bottom of the list. Unless you are in your room and they come to you.
    Then it’s their problem.

  7. You aren’t sneaky. We can ALL tell you aren’t wearing a bra. We are women. We look over every aspect of other women from hair to shoes. As women are the most likely to notice and the least appreciative. And often least impressed.

  8. The only reason I am your facebook friend is I hate you and want to see you have an emotional meltdown. (Note: for people that this applied to before I got tired of waiting and deleted them, I had a very good reason. And several not so good ones. But still reasons.) Get your act together before others join me. If they haven’t already. There are probably more people who are “friends” with other people for this reason than any of us like to think. You are a jerk and we all want to see karma happen.

  9. Please don’t PDA (public display of affection) all over the place. It’s not cute. It’s disgusting. ’

  10. It’s usually the couples that display their love all over facebook that don’t last.

And the most important:
If someone gives you advice that you hate with a burning passion, it is probably the number one thing you should do/work on.

  1. or is it 12? Either way…If you’re a guy, do not let your nails grow long! It’s gross. Keep clipping!
  2. Eat less bacon…must remember that.
  3. Always have one song that you can kill at karaoke…not that I ever get up and do it.