I read a comment on a Steve-O video from a former addict saying one of the worst things about getting sober is knowing what drugs feel like and accepting that you’ll never feel that way again.
There are two kinds of addict. Chasers and runners. Your either chasing a high or running from pain.
I’ve always been a runner. I won’t say I’ve never used when there wasn’t something hurting me but I will say that on the days when I’m not in pain I’m way less inclined to.
Something’s happened in the last couple days where my anxiety disorder seems to have deintensified by quite a bit. So no excuses anymore. If I’m not in pain there’s no need to use.
@TheLogician I like that chasers and runners saying. Im more of a runner too. Im so controlled by fear in life especially around other people and friends and family. So uppers are extremely tempting to me. I have zero anxiety and love socialising when on it. But its extremely rare that I partake in substances these days. Especially since it knocks me around for a while after its over.
@everhopeful Im not good with knowing what to say about your current thing happening. But I feel ya there in the struggle. Hugs.
My most physically harmful addiction is nicotine now. I say it is a bad habit but in reality it is a medical issue. I won’t admit it as a issue like SZ. I have addiction and it could be killing me or seriously harm my health for the rest of my life if I don’t take it as seriously as SZ.
I’m happy I’ll never feel that way again. It wasn’t a quality high. You want to have real fun? Do something that scares the crap out of you and pull it off. THAT. IS. A. HIGH.
I was a bit of both. I would drink to avoid my problems and depression, but I would also drink because I loved being blackout trashed. Running didn’t really help, because most nights I would end up going home and self-harming.
At the time I thought it was cool, even funny, to be blackout drunk all the time. It took me longer than I’d like to admit, and a lot of embarrassment, to realize that I was a fool and obnoxious. On top of that, I’d also mix alcohol and benzos and it was bad.
I’ll be sober for 7 years on October 9th, and while I still have urges to drink every once in a while (I made a thread about that around a month ago) I hope I never turn back.
The feeling of not having to wake up in the morning wondering who I pissed off the night before is priceless.
The best I’ve felt in the past 13 have all been post meditation, no drugs involved. I’m inclined to agree that the best a person can feel is an experience that can absolutely be achieved sober.
I started drinking because it was fun and I fit in for the first time in my life. Then I couldn’t stop partly because it is such a powerful physical addiction and even worse, I couldn’t stand being myself, which is who I was when I was sober. I think I was more myself when I was drunk, but the worst parts of me.
Regarding this:
In AA we call someone in that state a “dry drunk”. They’re sober, but they’re not experiencing what we consider to be meaningful recovery.
AA makes promises to those who work the 12 Steps…
We are going to know a new freedom and a new happiness. We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it. We will comprehend the word serenity and we will know peace. No matter how far down the scale we have gone, we will see how our experience can benefit others. That feeling of uselessness and self-pity will disappear. We will lose interest in selfish things and gain interest in our fellows. Self-seeking will slip away. Our whole attitude and outlook upon life will change. Fear of people and of economic insecurity will leave us. We will intuitively know how to handle situations which used to baffle us. We will suddenly realize that God** is doing for us what we could not do for ourselves.
**Being an athiest, I view that as Good Orderly Direction that comes from working the Steps as part of my daily life. So, no, I don’t look back forlornly at booze thinking my life will never be fun again. I paddle down rivers solo in sketchy weather and I hike in bear country and I camp by myself in public use areas and I cook good food over a fire by a river and I go ass wild with googly eyes and get banned from a big box store every month or two.
This is actually what I was thinking earlier today.
All of my life I have tried to change. My panic attacks ruined my self confidence. I can’t even talk to people whom i know without shaking like a leaf. I don’t know what has become of me? I feel as if something is wrong with me. I have suffered for so many years. I wish it would go away. I tried to seek inside, but it made me just blame others and as those words state, live in self pity.
I don’t believe in a god. Much of my self blame comes from feeling genetically inferior to others. But that’s also just self pity.
I’m a runner. I only drink to escape myself and feel normal. And I hate drinking. But that’s the only way I can function around people.
I have used uppers or speed to gain somewhat confidence in myself. But it ended with me crashing hard. I can’t do them anymore because I become psychotic.
I’m thinking of quitting alcohol but the problem is that I isolate myself when I do.
I wish there was a way to overcome my fear and gain confidence. I’m going to ask my doc if they can refer me to a CBT specialist.
