…or a Buble!
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That made me smile, thank you my dear patrick
I changed the vid to the lyrics vid, because my original post cut out for some reason.
Thus is All So , Yep Terrible … ,
Lemme Say it Again … ,
Terrible … ,
e(Y)e Don’t See Eye to Eye With @notmoses and No One Wants to Know My Opinion … ,
e(Y)e Once Said " TAKE A BREAK " … ,
Yep ,
No Worries Tho She’s Gud Now … ,
Sometimes a Lyne is Drawn and Sometimes , Someone Chooses Tha Wrong Path … ,
Be Cool Yo Yo’s
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Yeah JOANNA NEWSOM is One of My Favorites … ,
Her Voyse is Pretty Amazing … ,
My Ex is Disk - Hush - Ting … ,
Point is ,
Please ,
Please Stop Embarrassing Yourself … ,
and Yes … … … ,
It is Going to Be a Great Day .
Late to the group as normal
Wow @Sarad a good and clear way or putting it far better than i did guess the eye opener is for me?
Maybe i had is bad i defended Her the women that did all the things to me and did again in court as i could not see what was wrong honestly is sill something i have no really opened up about to family or the pocs yet guess i will in time or not
i know is distorted my veiws on a lot of things to how i see normal and how others do
Not a lot of detail here as i have not gottan to sleep yet have alot to do house wise so all i write is going to poor
1 was a imbalance of power, She was in Her 30’s She become a cross of different things to me and had money, power i was nine and yes everything that comes of that in types of abuse was not that much different form my what my family did
2 yes and i know i am one sided in choice? to only remind the positive times and things
3 haha guess my dissociation is so strong i go back to Her and willing so
Strangely, growing up in an unsafe home makes later unsafe situations have more holding power. <—So true the number of times yea moving on
love/ attention/ acceptance/ security craving are all a double edge one can use them for good or ill
Great i sound so dumb well i am vs how others have replyed to this
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You make a lot of sense to me, don’t worry.
I’m glad if I did anything useful here…
What was that to you woman if I might ask?
She was my life totaly everything, i would and did do everything and whatever asked or ordered to no questions ever asked is just was, at my age she become a mix of a Mother and Mistress there was some edges of a bdsm type relationship in the mix in what She did to and with me in the power different the control of me i was happy to be owned i had a place a life a role a reason for being was to serve Her is was better then being a unwannted beat work horse is Feel like She wanted me loved me and i loved Her back was times She was the idea picture of a Mother so caring kind sweet got me whatever i looked at, was taken to all the places
I have a memory of sitting on Her lap in Red Square facing Kazan cathedral in winter time so about this time of year with a little bag of warm nuts and just being, Her arms around me just sitting there enjoying being at home being with Her
thats one of kind good times i will never give that up i will never seen that time as wrong to me is was not wrong is was right
Are other times i am learning was wrong and bad, i am not yet at the point of believing that the days She would just slap or beat me around for no reason i could see like random anger to me is just was part of Her and i smile the whole way thought it and is would end after it all are other effects my less of schooling I am not where i should be for me age
She would be the greatest giver of love/ attention acceptance security i ever had to answer She was Everything to me and yes i sill go back if i could and im open about everyones know i would and has take steps outside my seeing to stop me 
with that i would go back knowing everything i do is would not stop me
Oh dear…honey… What amount of humiliation we are able to take while begging for some crumps of love…
We all deserve better, you know that.
And from all this you’ve shared so far…uh I’m happy that you got out of it and managing to live on your own now. That is so big.
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Only with help alot of help and luck with out them i sill be there and being on the other side of the world and a new family seems to help me shrugs As for humiliation thats in the eye of the beholder i learned my levels are so different form others so yes we can take so so much that never should be given out. As for deserving better that i fight with so i have a deal with my mom she gets to pick if i deserve something basically means everything she is so great and we talk alot about deserving.
I am out of it, am i clear and past it no where close living my own life is all small steps is taken over a year and a half for me to be able to get for something like a soda for a store if we out, as asking and choice was completely alien to me like placing a order at a restaurant i sill cannot do it i have to point things out or my mom or brother orders all the little or small other taken for given
and Sarad things do change all the time for all of us 
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A big hug to you @Derpygirl
Hugs for you too Minnii Hugs for everyone thats wants one is okay with having one
( it did take two years! for someone to be to touch my hand or shoulder with out me trying to hurt them i so enjoy hugs now 
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Then receive a big hug from me too 
Strangely, I don’t refuse physical contact, quite contrary lol. But I find myself unable to imagine that anyone would want anything deeper and meaningful with me…
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Know that feeling as well i do not and cannot understand why someone or my family wants me around or has the single feeling for me is completely alien as for personal relationship with me i see that as mine field being the type of person i would be moved too is one i should keep away form, as for the physical contact over all that time She was very guarding of me after that is was hard outside of sex sex is easy
This is ■■■■■■ up, yo!
I am not sure is this is bad, reading mouse’s comment and my frist thought is Is not ■■■■■■ up is normal is how things are i think other will see that thought in a bad light being thinking about it more today as doing the housework is not just i would go back and leave everything behind and not look back is i am hoping each time i go out or the knock on the door is Her i see Her i run into Her or She will come up to me in a store or somewhere, i now see that i am sill hopeful of Her returning into my life i know is something im working with the docs and family about it right now im not sure i will ever giving up on Her
that is sad…but i do understand it. 
there is this very bright 
guy on the internet… you tube… called ’ noah elkrief ’ 
…’ how to live in the moment '… 
it is important that you change your perception of yourself.
some of his stuff has helped me.
take care 
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I will look it up, as for my perception of my self moves form an Kajira you may need to look that up or i can explian it to a free people and back again, i been changed so much by others i feel so strongly about not changing again??! as i lose a core part of myself? to change my idea of myself to? to what not like i can just pick and ping! be that i worry about changing too much and becoming a completely different person with 0% of me in them.
My post about to me is not sad or damaged i know im holdiing out on that not ready to give it up not yet
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Ladies, you are worth more than any amount of gold on your worst days. Hugs
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