Hello. Today, I finally understand that even though I’ve been relatively lucky when it comes to hallucinations or delusions — I’m still affected by what’s often called the “fog.”
For the first time, I truly understand why people with schizophrenia are often depicted in drawings as “split,” “dark,” or “lost within themselves” — because that’s exactly how it feels. That’s how I always feel.
Every time I get close to some kind of “universal truth,” something happens, and I fall back again. Everything slips away. I don’t know… it’s like after my biggest realizations, I suddenly understand nothing all over again.
Today, I’m grieving the version of myself I lost — the person I was before the illness.
Today, I feel small and lost inside — not always even sure if I really need the medication.
And yet, sometimes I do feel my inner world, my desires — sometimes I can see my compass. But it’s so fragile, so easy to damage.