I woke up too late, at 1 pm. It threw off my whole schedule, which always kicks my anxiety in gear. I lazed about not wanting to start the day then I watched some of Peter Pan live with my mom and sisters.
Then I ran errands and accepted that I wanted to die. I don’t plan on killing myself or anything, but I’ve been in denial about myself wanting death for years. I’m just so tired of this world. I would never leave my family though, they need me. I’m in so much pain here though. My helper voices tried to comfort me and encourage me, pointed out the goals I wanted to accomplish and said I was stronger than I thought, etc. But it didn’t change my feelings.
Then I drove back to school in the pouring rain, and the voices were quiet so it was just me and my thoughts. When I got to school my friends and I went to our friend’s Christmas choir concert. It was very pretty, but distracting because the demons were floating around. A fat little goblin was sitting on the head of the man in front of me, staring at me as I thought about how we were separated from God because of the evil inside us. Towards the end of the concert Jesus was there floating above the choir and he didn’t say anything really, just let me know he was there. Then he put his hand on my head, and I snapped back to the concert.
Afterward we came back to the dorm and now I’m freaking out because I have so much work to catch up on.
How was your guys’ days today?? I hope good!