I had a falling out with an online friend a few days ago. He’s apologised several times, but I’ve ignored him each time.
I’m not one to hold grudges, I am usually against it, but for some reason, I just can’t seem to let go this time.
Like, I go to sleep, and the last thing on my mind is how wronged I feel. I wake up, and the first thing I think of his how mad I am at him.
Maybe it’s because I feel like I’m not the one in the wrong. Maybe it’s because it’s been brewing under the surface for a while and I’m just fed up, I don’t know.
Part of me wants to send him a long rant about how sick I am of him, and how he wronged me, but that wouldn’t do anyone any good.
Besides, we’re in the same group of gamer friends, and if he left the group because of me, I would feel terrible. He’s been there longer, and him leaving would upset the dynamic and possibly make me some enemies as well.
How do you guys deal with being angry at someone?
Especially when you feel like you did nothing wrong?
Anger isn’t always a bad emotion. It means you have standards for how you should be treated, and you recognize when someone isn’t meeting those standards. You tend to be a rather pleasant and forgiving person, maybe even a bit meek, so I would imagine this guy did something really bad to make you feel this way.
A few days isn’t a long time to be upset about something. Maybe, once you feel calmer, you guys can talk about it and work something out. But only if he is willing to work something out. It is nearly impossible to forgive someone who isn’t sorry. Especially when forgiving them means putting yourself in a position to be hurt again.
And you don’t have to apologize just to make the group happy. You have a right to feel angry when someone hurts you. It isn’t your fault, and you shouldn’t feel pressured into just swallowing your feelings and internalizing it to make other people happy. If the rest of them are your friends, they’ll be understanding. And if they’re not understanding, you’ll find other friends. I was ostracized from my only friends in college when I got in a fight with one of them. It hurt, and I was lonely for a while, but eventually I found other people who are much cooler and don’t blame me for having feelings.
Thank you
(I had to google the word ‘meek’, but it does seem to fit)
In his apologies, he seems like he’s at least realised he over-reacted, but while we were having the fight, he said and did some things that scared me into thinking it’ll just happen again if I let him back into my life.
I usually tend to allow people to dominate me a bit and step on me a little, but when I try to put up boundaries and it’s met with anger, it’s like something inside of me breaks with regards to them.
I guess because it’s so hard for me to set my foot down and say “hey, that’s not okay” that I expect people to take it seriously and with respect when I do, even if they feel I’m being a little unreasonable.
And you’re right. If the group outcasts me for this, I will find another group. I’ll miss them, I really will, but like you said, if they really are my friends too, they’ll understand and not kick me out.
Maybe I should take some time to cool down. I miss hanging with the rest of the group, but whenever I see his name pop up in the voice chat, I feel like I can’t possibly get on there.
Usually, when someone is used to being able to do whatever they want, they don’t react well to being presented with boundaries. They tend to manipulate, intimidate, and do whatever they can to make you feel like you don’t deserve to have that boundary. But relationships are only healthy if boundaries exist. My husband and I even have boundaries with each other, and I’m glad we do. Respecting a person means respecting their boundaries.
This guy broke your trust, and that’s serious. If you feel like he will continue his bad behavior, you have every right to keep him at a distance. If you want to give him another chance, you have every right to do that, too. Just make sure you’re thinking about your own needs in all of this. Not his needs, and not the group’s needs. They can worry about their own needs.
Thanks
I’ll give it some time before I reply to him, if I’m going to reply at all. I need to make sure I’m thinking clearly, and that I don’t open myself up to another ugly episode.
I don’t see how that’s relevant, but look okay I guess
I tend to not categorize people as “good looking” or “not good looking”. People look the way they do, and as long as they’re happy, others should be as well.
But in all seriousness, I really don’t have time for a boyfriend. I’m very introverted, and it takes a lot of energy for me to be social, so having one would totally stress me out
We are just million of miles far way i said i was just testing her boredom…how can we even imagine it as a dating request …u can flag me its ur right…i dont have nothing else to say…
Please be respectful of the fact that saying things like that has the potential to make people uncomfortable. I don’t know if that happened this time or not, but it easily could. You don’t want to make anyone uncomfortable, right?
