Ok I tried everything. The thing is the world I’m living in is not the same world I lived in until i was 14.
It was after a surgery with anaesthesia.
Since then the world is not the same, weird stuff started to happen. and obviously, after 12 years of trying to fix yourself with all the tools available, you go nuts. I mean, even if you have a f-ing broken leg for 12 years and you can’t treat it for 12 years, and no one would care or have and explaination, you would probably STILL GO NUTS. Let alone “mental illness”.
I mainly have dissociative symptoms. The damn world seems very unreal to me. I forget everything. And weird stuff happen.
Weird stuff 1.
Diagnoses:
Whatever diagnose I believe I have, I get. without any affort. ANY. Isn’t that weird? Am I mindcontrolling the doctors? I’m not smart, I have no social skills. I can’t fool a child. I don’t know how I could ever do this.
Case 1. Asperger’s:
I kinda believed I have asperger’s. I went into a hospital, I “accidentally” ended up with one of the most important and best known autism experts in the country WITHOUT EVEN TELLING THEM I WAS SEEKING AN ASPERGER’S DIAGNOSIS. Funny eh?. I must say there are very VERY few autism experts in my country. like 50 or something.
Case 2.: Bipolar
I believed I have bipolar. I got the diagnosis. I suppose I also got bipolar. Should it be this easy to convince doctors? do I have the ability to produce MI? can I manipulate doctors who have DOUBLE or TRIPLE the IQ of me? without even wanting to?
case 3: Schizophrenia
I figured out I might have schizophrenia. Then everyone started diagnosing me with schizophrenia. cool. again. If I actually HAVE schizophrenia, then why did they diagnose me with the other stuff. What does my BELIEVING adds here? how can a dumbf**k like me manipulate doctors? mindcontrol?
Case 2.
True thought withdrawal:
This is not your usual thought withdrawal. my thoughts are not withdrawn from my head. I f**ing tell them and people don’t hear them. I repeat. they miss it. I swear to god. I tried to tell a very simple thing to my mother. She doesn’t have alzheimer’s or anything. but whatever I did, she would “not hear” a certain Idea I was trying to tell her. I repeated what I said like 5 times. she totally didn’t hear it. It’s like that part of my talking wouldn’t go in her head. She would just say irrelevant stuff that had in no way anything in common with what I said. I repharased. tried hard. didn’t work at all. I found this extraordinarily weird. I tried a different subject and she got it instantly.
Case 3.
way too many weird coincidences.
I read about something, my mother dreams about the same thing. or has done the same thing. or whatever. happens more than once weekly.
I have an idea/have read about a herb/ etc… and my grandmother calls me and tells me the exact same thing. happens on bi-weekly basis.
And add some complete derealization and dreamlike quality of the world to it. you have it. clusterf**k.
conclusion: this is not “world”: this is a lucid dream.
Update: oh yeah. did I mention that my actual dreams are way more real than my awake life? cluster…
The problem is that the “new world” is so FUBAR I can’t believe this is the “real” world. I mean I had also a life before my surgery. It seems I have some sort of “influence” on the “new world” that is kina “weird” for it to be the “real world”. among other stuff. like all kind of crazy stuff happening.
yes they did. I’m on meds. tried them all. they don’t help. The only thing they do is make me not search for explainations. which is actually helpful, but not the answer. They do nothing for the dream like state or the unreal feeling. I think discussing this stuff and coming to conclusions might be more helpful than discussing the fact that I’m ill and I need to take meds.
I already know the whole DSM by heart. but thanks. I’m going to doctors since 2004. I know EVERYTHING about my symptoms. And I surely know that my post sounds super psychotic. Maybe I am super psychotic.
The thing is, I don’t care any more. German doctors are full of -----. It’s a very fine situation if there is actually a place or someone where you can get help with this stuff. I hear some people in some countries have these options. in germany, we virtually don’t.
I actually have some L-Theanine. maybe I’ll try. Oh it seems some philosophers have came up with a similar idea like mine LOL. not that crazy after all. I’m psychotic but at least I have class and style
I am in the psychiatry since 2009… meds are kind of helping but I don’t live anymore…
ill try to go outside with my mom tomorrow, its the best that I can do now :(… but I am disappointed from everything right now, not dolce vita at all :(… me too, I don’t give a ■■■■ anymore that I am ill. it took me years to think like this
The thing is, I feel that my only way out of this is accepting and fully believing that this is a lucid dream
It’s easier on the mind this way.
I mean if it completely seems this way, why shouldn’t I make the last step and make that my reality? for the sake of peace of mind?
I think I nailed it myself. You see? talking is better than meds. You actually come to f***ing CONCLUSIONS. instead of drugging yourself. Being afraid of thinking is the worst enemy of mankind. the problem is they lock you up sometimes for mere thinking.
Yes I did. it didn’t work.
The problem is that the mind is not merely made out of this fatty part of the body called “brain”. Medication and chemicals are not the only answer.
Neither is the only answer to keep quiet about delusions or outlandish ideas. They want schizophrenics to keep quiet. instead they could talk to them. that would surely help. but no. they lock you up. or make your thoughts ■■■■ by numbing you. great. That’s not treatment. Thats SILENCING. How often have you read about the F-ing CONTENT of someones delusions in a case-report? they don’t care.
If your universe consists of you and your illness, your drugs and your docs and DSM, you are doing it WRONG.
This post is not addressed to a certain person. It’s rather general.
This sounds surely interesting. Describes me quite well. I’m eastern myself. maybe I should use eastern methods and idealogies instead of western ones.
I’m psychotic but at least I have class and style