Schizophrenia.com

They think I don't know what's going on

Schizophrenia and some people want to destroy me. Maybe most people mean me no harm, I have my doubts sometimes. But schizophrenia is definitely trying to destroy me. End of paranoid mini-rant. Right now I’m laying in my warm room enjoying the peace and quiet. This Friday is my birthday. The big 5-5. On Saturday I go to my sisters house for a special birthday lunch. I should write a book about my life, the title would be “The incongrous silliness of my life among the deathly seriousness of my life”. It probably wouldn’t make The New York best-seller List but I know I would buy it. But only if it was on sale.

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That schizophrenia is out to get me too.

I heard about this one girl who kept a journal of her experiences as a sz, and she was able to get it published. You might surprise yourself. Your book might get published if you wrote it. By the way, keep us posted on the rainfall in California. I’m kind of anxious about it.

Yeah, I try to outwit it sometimes. Mornings are the worst. But for large parts of the day my symptoms aren’t that bad. I’m being ungrateful. When I was 19 -21 my symptoms were impossibly horrible. I am two hundred percent better now compared to then. How are things going for you right now? You OK?

Yeah I’m alright. Things were worse a few years ago also, now I’m stable.

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I remember the good feeling of finally becoming stable after psychosis for two years. Anyway, I gotta go. I’ll get my 5 hours of sleep and then go to work.
And have a nice day if you can.

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Have a good night Nick. Thank you :slight_smile: You too

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I had a friend over last night. Got to venting about the last layers of my psychosis. I still get delusional and it still seems real. The experience still consistent. Caffeine does not help at all.

Anyways. The two remain mysteries are “Why me?” and one that has already been resolved. When I drop my qualms with the world and self. This omniscient ominous whisper starts up. Trying to sucker me into believing this is something spiritual. I can write that nonsense off in most states of mind. The devil is part of our culture and our culture is part of our subconscious. Which is why I dislike religion. Exposure to these ideas are unavoidable and they are dangerous for SZ folk. If not everyone else in general. That’s whatever though. So it goes.

The first question I mentioned. It’s when it starts to feel real I wonder why me? What did I do?

I was expressing all that to a friend and he came up with a simple statement “For no good reason. For no good reason at all.”

It works. You think these people are trying to destroy you. They aren’t. Definitely not in reality. In reality you have a cognitive dis-junction crap of a mess in your perception. Either way though. Whether you are trying to figure out why they are trying to destroy you or why you have the illness. It’s because of no good reason at all.

It keeps snapping me out my delusional state when it crosses my mind.

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@77nick77 I hope you write a book.

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In case I forget it, Happy Birthday for Friday. It will be Friday here before it reaches you. I will be going away on Friday.

I hope no one destroys you. You are a very strong person so I am sure you will win. You couldn’t destroy yourself so what chance does anyone else have?

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Thanks turtle, for the birthday wishes and thanks for the comments. It really helps.

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Maybe I will some day. Thanks.

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In reply to original post:

I can see it now on the sale table 4 or 5 copies of your book scattered through the other yellow-stickered ones. And you, standing behind a column sneaking looks as a beautiful girl sifts through the rows, pausing at your title, turning through the pages, reading , dislodges it and tucks it under her arm to head toward the checkout counter. Yessss. You say in a loud whisper with right thumb up. Coming out of hiding, a little silly, sauntering away - your day has been made -

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I guess you’re trying to be nice and funny. I would give free copies to the library.

Hmm? I thought it was a cute and innocent story.

At least I was funny. I thought you might like it. Sorry if I hit a sore spot. I don’t know how good your book would be. It might be a work of semi-genious. I’m just a backward schiz. who can’t even read because of my meds.

The library sounds good, too.

Hey @77nick77 , I would be proud of myself to write a book that made it far enough to be published at all and to end up in a real book store. I have found some finds on those tables.

I thought you were mocking me. You have never done it before so I shouldn’t be so paranoid.

You are a an excellent writer. I really enjoy reading your posts on this forum—your stories about your recovery, insight into living with sz, insight into life in general, helpful advice for forum members, and last (but by no means least) a really great sense of humor.

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Thanks a lot Moonbeam. I can never hear that too much.

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