The worst of it

hi. I believe the worst of our lives with sz is when we see the negative side of the world all the time. it aggravates our sz like nothing else.

stigma and prejudice abound, people’s fears of us makes them treat us badly and we see only the worst in people, often.

it’s like a hole we are buried in. how do you get out of the hole?



I would say the voices are the worst to be bluntly obvious with you.

When I hit a negative spiral like that I have to start writing out what has been going right. For everyone person who has hurt my feelings, there are a few people who have stayed on my side. I have to write that out. I have help too. When I’m feeling low, I have some family to talk to.

I used to always assume that people were afraid of me/ don’t like me because I’m SZ. So one day I came right out and asked the waitress who is always snotty with me if she was prejudiced against people with mental illness… it turns out… she just hate’s men.

Not thing to do with my SZ, everything to do with my Y chromosome.

People have their own reasons for prejudice, I don’t just assume it’s because I’m SZ… anymore.

People can’t see my SZ, they can see I’m part Mexican. So that right there is why people say and do what they say and do. Nothing to do with SZ everything to do with my family from Mexico.

I used to see everything from this really ■■■■■■ up point of view, like I would see people at parties laughing and smiling and I would just sit there all tense with my bodybuilder arms and think of how many times theyve screamed and cried, alone. I saw myself as a pathetic creature, not as a human sentient being, and felt like life was hell. I remember analyzing myself as this monkey who went to a big place full of monkeys the same age and reads and writes for 8 hours and then lifts weights for 2 hours 5 days a week and then sits around drinking poison and smoking crazy herbs with other monkeys who were full of ■■■■ and always smiled for no reason. That was what my psychotic 18 year old brain saw.

I was popular, I was the oldest kid by a few months and was considered cool and everyone knew me and hungout with me at least once. I had some closer friends but was basically friends with everyone, even though I didnt always say much and sometimes was pretty quiet. I had a reputation for being a quiet badass sort of stereotype, but was cool if you got to know him. I was down with partying, booze and weed and tobacco, so other kids thought that was cool I guess. All I really know is that I was psychotic and people still thought I was cool. As I got REALLY psychotic, people started to disappear and my close friends started to ask me questions which I apparently gave the wrong answers to, as they say today that they knew I was schizophrenic all along.

Anyways ■■■■ the past, I went to a reunion party on Saturday and everyone can see that I am alive and ■■■■■■■■■■■■ schizophrenia.

But to answer your question, MEDS help a lot, but making a point to beat stigma is one of my goals. I just refuse to do the whole schizophrenic lifestyle thing, which is not take meds, use all of your money on drugs or alcohol, and do nothing for anyone, including yourself.

Just quit thinking of yourself like this

Because thats the problem, accepting that you are virtually dead to everyone…I say go out there and do something. Get on the right meds first. Talk to a therapist first. Once you have those things sorted out, start doing something to make you feel like someone instead of some dead man.

One of my delusions was that I was a dead man- that I had a hit on me, that the state wanted me executed, ect, the story changed but the ending was the same. I remember people following me, the same cars would be behind me for a few days. I figured that by engaging in self-harm through addictions, excessive exercise and drinking I was just giving my killers who were always watching me the middle finger, showing them who had the balls and who they were about to kill.

Damn I hate my past but I hope my experience is somehow useful for you. Im in remission now I hate thinking about this ■■■■. Hope you get feeling better.

I had a moment last night where it was like “damn it really doesn’t matter that I have mental illness going on to these people.” Most people don’t know anyways. This disease has changed me thoroughly. I am vigilant at watching my thoughts and my condition and I’m only getting better at it. I’m even gaining control over my subconscious. I have been free from delusion and being removed from reality for a couple months now. The way I see there is always room to recover and to normalize. Not that I really value being normal, but the people of this world are wise. Healthy people in general know how to think properly. At least where I live. I guess my point is you can always elect to see yourself as a normal person. Do you best to forget the illness and accept you have an unusual life experience, but your still normal still acceptable as a person. It might take a few weeks of forcing yourself into this mindset, but if you try and stay positive your mind will get better at it. Best of luck hope you find some comfort. Most people are good if they really got to know you they would probably sympathetic.

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i am sorry mortimermouse that I reminded you of all that of your past. didn’t mean to upset anyone here.

thanks for your advice. I am on abilify which I love. I like my therapist too. my family is supportive. I have a job. I am lucky I guess.


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I think you’ve identified the answer right here - focus on the positives in your life (and everyone has them - whether its a sunny day, or something you see that you find interesting or helpful - or just a nice word from someone in the forums.

Everyone can focus on the negatives… it reminds me of this youtube video:


No its fine, i was just being a wiener

Exactly… you will find what you seek. Seek the positive, and you will find the positive. Seek the negative, and you will find that too.