I used to see everything from this really ■■■■■■ up point of view, like I would see people at parties laughing and smiling and I would just sit there all tense with my bodybuilder arms and think of how many times theyve screamed and cried, alone. I saw myself as a pathetic creature, not as a human sentient being, and felt like life was hell. I remember analyzing myself as this monkey who went to a big place full of monkeys the same age and reads and writes for 8 hours and then lifts weights for 2 hours 5 days a week and then sits around drinking poison and smoking crazy herbs with other monkeys who were full of ■■■■ and always smiled for no reason. That was what my psychotic 18 year old brain saw.
I was popular, I was the oldest kid by a few months and was considered cool and everyone knew me and hungout with me at least once. I had some closer friends but was basically friends with everyone, even though I didnt always say much and sometimes was pretty quiet. I had a reputation for being a quiet badass sort of stereotype, but was cool if you got to know him. I was down with partying, booze and weed and tobacco, so other kids thought that was cool I guess. All I really know is that I was psychotic and people still thought I was cool. As I got REALLY psychotic, people started to disappear and my close friends started to ask me questions which I apparently gave the wrong answers to, as they say today that they knew I was schizophrenic all along.
Anyways ■■■■ the past, I went to a reunion party on Saturday and everyone can see that I am alive and skullfucking schizophrenia.
But to answer your question, MEDS help a lot, but making a point to beat stigma is one of my goals. I just refuse to do the whole schizophrenic lifestyle thing, which is not take meds, use all of your money on drugs or alcohol, and do nothing for anyone, including yourself.
Just quit thinking of yourself like this
Because thats the problem, accepting that you are virtually dead to everyone…I say go out there and do something. Get on the right meds first. Talk to a therapist first. Once you have those things sorted out, start doing something to make you feel like someone instead of some dead man.
One of my delusions was that I was a dead man- that I had a hit on me, that the state wanted me executed, ect, the story changed but the ending was the same. I remember people following me, the same cars would be behind me for a few days. I figured that by engaging in self-harm through addictions, excessive exercise and drinking I was just giving my killers who were always watching me the middle finger, showing them who had the balls and who they were about to kill.
Damn I hate my past but I hope my experience is somehow useful for you. Im in remission now I hate thinking about this ■■■■. Hope you get feeling better.