for me, rehab is a safe place to readjust my meds, not b/c i am quitting, but b/c i am seeking better control over my disease. i dont want to be defined by my disease; i want to control it and have a beautiful life. the best life i can achieve.
this not to say that i no longer have symptoms, b/c i do. i have terrible ruminations and find it extremely difficult to concentrate on just about everything. i also have OCD, and the combo of the 2 is terribly annoying and interfering.
however, when i get thoughts that the government is after me, i know that it is just a delusion, and the thoughts dont last as long as they used to. still, its always been a challenge to have a quiet mind.
but i have people who love me and and support me, and that is something i am very grateful for. always.
Because suicide would be painful and messy amd I might fail and end up disabled. In my religion if you commit suicide you end up in hell, tortured for all eternity.
So I just wake up and put one foot in front of the other, that doesn’t mean I’m enjoying myself. The meds are literally an emotional straightjacket for me. I just feel okay enough to not constantly want to end it all, not anything resembling “happy” “good” or peaceful
Thank you kindly @anon84763962.
I’m a reader so I guess I’m always thinking of that one awesome book I may never have read. I have a good support system in place but I guess I stick around because of the little things in life.
I don’t know why but I always had the personality of a person who is extremely persevering and courageous and who never give up. It helped me a lot in my sickness and in many challenges I had since I’m born.
The Comeback Kid - I enjoyed reading your note. My son was diagnosed with Schizoaffective disease when he was 19 and now he’s 26. He lives with us and has stopped using marijuana (had to escalate into a jail threat unfortunately) and now he started going to a weekly support group. We haven’t found a medication that relieves him of his delusional thoughts or voices. It gives me hope to read your update because I desperately just want him to have peace. It’s heart breaking to not know how to help him more. He speaks to my husband and they go out to dinner many nights per week where the talk is primarily delusional. Do you have any suggestions, from your experience, where I could do more to help him to connect with him? I’ve read dozens of books but he doesn’t want to talk with me. I would do anything for him.
I’m not sure. When I first got diagnosed at age 19 I blamed both my parents for my disease. I usually got along with my dad but I had major conflicts with my mom. We had some very ugly scenes for awhile. That lasted not even a year before we got straightened out and reached some kind of understanding. And then me and my moms relationship became fine after that but of course there were still normal differences of opinion like and any other family.
I guess the turning point was when I stopped blaming them for my disease and I realized that they were both actually on my side and doing everything possible to help me. Its difficult being a man who needs so much help. I am speaking in general. It does make relationships with women difficult. That’s why I think I got along better at first with my dad. He treated me cool but my mom treated me a little condescending. It was very aggravating. I am deliberately avoiding personal blame or criticism on either you or your son. I am trying to stay objective and list the facts.
But yeah, I have not dated much but I lived with women in group homes and hospitals for years and my friends usually did better with girls than me but I saw the dynamics between them and their girlfriends and it backs up my point that schizophrenic men have a few problems with women that the average Joe out in the world doesn’t have to deal with. I count myself lucky that I have no bitterness towards woman though I do have anger in some ways towards certain women. Like I said its hard being a grown man who is dependent on women in some ways like I had to be dependent on my mom and nurses, doctors, therapists etc.
I think you see my point of possibly why your son may have problems with you. Even though I put my parents though much grief, they never gave up on me. It was amazing and I couldn’t thank them enough. But my problems often got in between them and their relationship with each other. I didn’t do it deliberately at all but my dad took my side often when he probably shouldn’t have and it caused problems with my mom and their marriage. I assume you and your son have talked about the problems between you two. What’s his take on it? Have you directly told him what you want from him and what you want for him? IDK.
Maybe try telling him what I mentioned before. Tell him you are for him, not against him, tell him you are all on the same side. Tell him you want the best for him I don’t know if there’s any drug that will get rid of delusions completely or permanently. And I don’t know if there’s a medication that will get rid of voices. The cease of pot smoking is a huge step. From my experience with it and from being in these forums for years I can say that in the majority of cases marijuana is dangerous for schizophrenics. It makes symptoms worse for most people, even the people who swear it helps them. Plus it costs money, is illegal, and forces smokers to come in contact with people who are trouble. So that’s a huge step.
Maybe you can take a small step and somehow convince him to go out to eat with you, even if its only once every two weeks or even just once a month. That might be a step in the right direction. Or even maybe you could have your husband leave and you can just cook your son a special dinner once every two weeks or once a month for just you two alone. You don’t have to have deep heavy conversations just keep it light and maybe that little bit will open up some communication or bring you closer or you will connect with him. Its hard to figure out schizophrenics. I know that’s an understatement and obvious. But we can get a delusional thought in our minds and run with it for months. And we can do this with and about people. Your son may have some problem with you that is entirely wrong that may be causing this whole mess. And maybe if he was asked directly he might tel you the problem. Sometimes its hard to be direct in families no matter how close we are. But if you ask him directly what his problem is with you he might reveal it. I can just advise to not give up. Keep showing him love and demonstrate how much you care for him. I don’t know if this helped any. I wish you and your family good luck.
I did not even have sz and life’s a bitch.
Thank you for the inspiration.
I am sitting here so humbled and appreciative for your thoughtful note. Your insights are invaluable to me because of your experience and you’ve walked in my son’s shoes. I’m going to go for it — keep it light and positive. I’ll always be in our son’s corner.
I hope today is an even better day for you. Women are missing out on an intelligent and thoughtful person in you. This chat helped so much; please consider yourself virtually hugged. Wishing you fun on 4th of July too; hugs. Amy
Thank you for this post. It give me so much encouraged by your post. My sister is in her 4th admission in 2 years. She is 50. We looking to help her find a happy place. Mabel Reich (South Africa)
@Mabel, I’d like to encourage you to join our forum for Family and Caregivers that can be found at:
While this is a peer support forum for people with schizophrenia and other closely related psychotic disorders, the Family forum is specifically for people like yourself, who have a loved one they are concerned about.
Also, please let your loved one know about this forum as they may find it helpful.
Best of luck,
All suicide does is multiply your problems before transferring them to others. Selfish and stupid. (We had a relative prove that earlier this year.)
I don’t give up because the consequences of giving up would be intolerable.
Thank you very much, I’m glad I could help and here’s wishing you good luck with your family.
Even though my brain is trying to kill me I have a way around it. I’m too much of a fighter to give up.
I have racing thoughts too, obsessive thoughts. I tried brief amounts of mindfulness meditation (between tv commercials) but that didn’t really help. I am now doing about half an hour blocks twice a day. It is supposed to help with it, I hope it helps me and I know peace of mind.
Yeah it’s hard not to chase your own tail.
I dont give up because i dont think God would want me to