I’ve been pondering this heavily since the night before last. I’ve found that if I get a ponder out of my head, it helps me. I have a negative effect on others, or it seems like I make them live two different lives.
My brother who is one year younger then I sent an e-mail about some of the stuff that bugs him. The fact Mom and Dad had to rearrange their lives to accommodate me, the fact that we might have had more money then we do have if I wasn’t ill. I’ve heard these before and I’m trying to getting over them. Maybe it is sibling resentment or rivalry…
But the one that hit me was that I’m holding my kid sis back from having a life or education. That because of me she’s not going to U.C. Berkeley. I had no idea that offer was still on the table for her. If it wasn’t for me, she’d have a healthy boyfriend and not the ex she has. If it wasn’t for me she’d be further ahead in life.
In a moment of weakness and panic, I turned over her room again. I’ll be mentioning that in therapy this week. I found her planner. OH MY… her calendar almost made me shut down and curl up in a ball. Some of her days she’s actually scheduled in “37 minutes of commute time barring obstacles.”
But on the calender in the hall, it’s just a few key days and one or two family gatherings. She said she keeps two calenders… one for me and one for her. The one for me is to keep me on track with out overwhelming me.
Now it feels like I make her live a double life. I feel like I make my entire family live a double life. The life they insulate me from and the life they include me into.
As I bring more people into my life, I wonder if I make them do that too? Or if it’s just family who has fallen into a double life habit. I’d like to think I can get through my day with out SO much kit gloves. But at the same time, I’m not sure I can. When I look at her planner, I wonder… am I even able to self manage?
I go to school, have a job and have the same family, why am I not able to keep up? I know I can’t compare my rough draft to someone else’s finished novel, but I wish I was higher functioning and further ahead in my life instead of feeing like I’m just now starting to become an adult at 29. Yet because of me, my sis had to become a full adult as 15.
Thanks for letting me get this ponder out of my head. I wonder, how do other effect their family?