My brain thinks it is a multi brain, and the older I get, and the more that I think about it and study the world of people and things, the more I can see this as clearly as the days before scz in my younger life.
It really is a stupid, maniacal calamity of a “personalitous” species per se to see this going on in my thoughts and such while analyzing them as I lay down some times in solitude.
It is even necessary to lay down in solitude in order to analyze this menagerie taking place as this organ of the “personalitous” species misconstrues what is real and what is not mangling and manipulating itself perpetually one action causing the other as if there were a social and cultural evolution going on with one personality reacting to the other unendingly like a perpetual motion machine set in motion decades ago by my own beliefs and will power through practice.
Forgetting it is confined within the quarantine of this “personalitious” organ is as deadly as falling asleep at the wheel on a highway for both the scz and the others participating on the highway. That is not to say that an scz cannot drive well, but socially an scz’s inner cosmos where the menagerie’s theatrics are taking place then affect how other real people are seen. This phantasmal orchestration of inner social “culture” set in perpetuity unending for significant share of the ages doesn’t accurately portray other people’s personalities, so while the scz can be very skilled at many things the hardest of all to do is to be skilled or even plain at the social interaction even if only for a brief moment. So most people not understanding this kind of inability to assess the common value assessments of others per their individual and collective personalities will essentially wall the scz off socially, so that it becomes as though the scz is living in this perpetual menagerie of the whole cosmos involving the entirety of reality itself from behind a layer of bricks stacked their by other people that cannot understand why this person cannot understand others. The world comes and goes by the scz living in that cosmic theater of “personalitous culture” within a brain that has misconstrued the facts making believe it is multiple brains, and it’s all very much like living in the wall of a hallway bricked in their by civilization.
_This is called Newtons Cradle. It uses gravity and magnets. When the ball on the outer edge is lifted into the air, it’s let go to fall into the other balls. The force the causes the ball on the opposite side to jut out. Gravity pulls it back, and the impact repeats the process again and again in perpetuity. Scz behaves in a similar fashion where one personality triggers another and another unending. Any sensation, awareness, feeling, thought whatsoever can trigger the resulting “swing back” from these “multi personalitious animations” within, thus causing more of the perpetual motion of inner scz “personality mechanics.” _
The single most important thing for the scz to relearn in life is “HOW” everyone else is not of a personalitous species in the belief it is a multi brained organ. This is absolutely paramount, and nothing else can have a higher priority during the life of an scz because this single value assessment of what is really going on about everyone else and the scz’s own self there about the brain is the only thing different between the scz’s personalitous brain and the rest of civilization’s brains.
I remember that during the climax years of my scz there was no way to even grasp the fallacy of this multi brained paradigmatic delusion. It was hot, fast, and hard during those years, and to be honest I was of the belief that the whole world was basically just one big connected brain with spirits and all. There are movies about fantasies as phantasmal as this was, but this was really to live the fantasy world.
I was completely without knowing how others thought. I didn’t know how I had gotten this way. I could not even recall myself as I were mentally during the days before I had become scz gradually over 3 years of make believe and cult like practices which deviate far from the orthodoxy of spiritual religion. I remember distinctly now I was making my own inner dialogue with figments of my imagination to escape the loneliness and the failures without purpose in my life. To be “multi brained” was a path out, an escape, and possibly a route to a magic paradise of some kind that was unknown. I was young, and therefore I was still new to this world and new to my brain’s effects and abilities, so being so naive I had doubled my mind over to become “more than one” the way you would fold a piece of paper many times, ignoring the creases, and calling it a book.
See image below.
I tricked myself until it was doing it all on its own. It was a language that I taught myself the way you might learn a sport, a musical instrument, math, a foreign language, or how to drive; the way a baby learns to use arms and legs. I had reassigned my feelings, senses, thoughts, and instincts to become messages and signals from “the other personalities” that I pretended to be in communication with. I remember falling into this cult like behavior with myself and even going to the point I was reading all of the signs and patterns in the physical world around me day and night as though there were messages from the universe communicating with me. I could not have fooled myself more.
I was in my own esoteric cult religion of sorts for about 3 years gradually more and more. The more I practiced it, the more I failed in my social and work life, therefore the more I held onto it for the answers, the solution, the excuses for all of my failures. In other words the more I was disappointed by my “real life” the more fantastically consumed by this “multi brain ceremony” and theory I became as the solution to the problems I was having in real life.
I was in a new city far from anyone I ever knew, and I was a total green horn about what to do with my life like keep a steady job, learn how to make more and more money, look hard for the right kind of lady to marry, and build up a family and reputation in the community. That stuff seemed unreal to me, but the fake stuff was beyond real. It was the meaning of reality and myself in entirety for infinity or something.
I remember after I figured out that I had scz like many people, I began to work on reversing it simply by learning what was real and what was not. My number one goal in life was to work as hard as I could to interact with the world while developing my virtues, so that I could get in close to people, and learn how they thought. I had no idea how they thought, and I had to figure that out because I knew that my brain how somehow built a world view that was not real as “my ship blew off course” in life while everyone else’s hadn’t.
These were scary, scary days. PTSD is clearly a result of these kinds of days not a fundamental component of scz.
I remember that at times I could try hard to be as fully mindful as possible glimpsing for a single second at a time that I was a single brain personality not this multi brained make believe my brain was beating itself up to be. And those glimpses were so good like the cool air on my skin as I exited the hot, humid inferno of a sauna. Actually scz is much harsher than that, but it was that coolness I can’t ever forget.
Now I can actually see very clearly that I’m a single brained organ not multi. I don’t quite see it this way day in and out because most of the time I’m working and so forth kind of being pulled around by voices but not nearly as maniacally as they once were. But I can however clear myself when they become to much, and I can tell I’m really running off of the road over the deep end. Then I “re-capsulize” myself or what the psychs used to call “shrink” myself back into my head. This ability is a luxury to me compared to what I’ve been through with scz.
To be honest though I don’t have the time nor concentration to go over this single brained mind over and over again. I’ve had to live on doing serious things while the idiocracy continues on in this bizarre kind of congress of my mind. If it was all that I was about, I’d never have lived, I wouldn’t have been to this point of mindfulness, and I’d have absolutely nothing but the additional misery of my seniority ahead.
Despite the scz buzzing around me in total insanity I manned onward through the rough without anyone believing I was more than an abomination. Every year I’ve looked forward to the next because my scz clears up more and more. I also become wiser and wiser since I constantly educate myself and explore, so it is a treat to find myself aware of so much more than the year before year after year.
I look forward to 10 years from now like I looked forward to this year 10 years ago. I got what I wanted after all on this day, but to be honest I never knew if I was going to make it. Scz is a tricky thing. I never knew if I was going to survive it or recover from it like I have. That is a very scary thing to not know while being in the heat of it. Very morbid and petrifying. But I just turned my mind in a productive direction, and I manned onward doing my best at everything I made with my hands, my physical improvements, and the direction of my thoughts to augment my mind as much as I could with what energy and devises I had available. No one tried hard than I. That may sound like coo coo candy from the scz delusional to some people especially in an scz forum, but just imagine it like I tell you because you’ll never know any different than what I say or not. No harm. No foul.
There’s lots of things to cover every day, and we do it from eye open to eye close at night. You’re always welcome to join the movement of readers and writers. 