I think I have a problem with my judgment. I shouldn’t leave him. I can only wish him well secretly now. He doesn’t love me anymore seeing me going through a psychosis. When I balloon up with the APs, he pissed off. I made him feel so angry he said it doesnt feel good dinning up with someone looking not so nice. Because i used to be pretty. I lost my good appearence he can’t take it. So we separated again. I still love him. What can you do when you are not loved by someone you love anymore?
I can understand the pain you feel about this past relationship. But you have to forget him and wait for a new start with someone else. Remember It was him who has left you alone.
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Thank you @green6 for your reply. I still want to have a relationship with him. I think there is something wrong with me.
Have you ever thought he might not be worth wanting? Don’t tear yourself up over one person. There are plenty of other fish in the sea.
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I imagine if i have never left him, what would happen. I believe that he would still leave me. I think it is impossible he would still love me. Is it the natural consequence of sz? I mean do you really think some guy would love a poor woman with sz @crimby
I can’t make myself believe anyone would love me other than my mother.
You let him go.
This way, you will have room to accept a new man that will love you for being you.
Nothing lonelier and more depressing than trying to be something you aren’t for someone else.
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Some people can’t handle the problems that come with sz in a partner. I wouldn’t dwell on it, even though it does say in our marriage vows “for better or for worse”. You need to learn to love yourself. I once heard a woman say that the key to life for her was learning to love herself no matter what. Maybe you could find things to do that would make you feel better about yourself. Take up crochet. Join a book club. Go to church. You might meet an interesting man there. Just don’t be a door mat for him.
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Thank you for your thoughtful reply @crimby I better learn to take care of myself and be my own company.
I’ve had several boyfriends while being sz once the depression aspect started to clear up. He isn’t coming back and I can tell you right now, just from what you’ve said about him so far, that he isn’t worth waiting for. That isn’t to say that you should let a guy be your whole life but someone better will definitely come along. Just get out there, be social, care for yourself as far as hygiene and diet (some guys like bigger women but get to a weight that you feel comfortable with), and just see what happens.
Maybe take some college courses once you feel comfortable with yourself and volunteer somewhere starting now. I don’t know how old you are but the world always needs more cougars 
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I don’t think you loved him. I think you loved who you thought he was in your mind.
I still reflect and write about a girl I loved over 20 years ago. It might do me injustice to still reflect or it might just be part of the riddle of life
i have been single for about 6 years now. and sometimes i get lonely but its just a bad day usually. you should look forward to the good things you have to look forward to and enjoy being single for a while. It will help you find your center so you can rebalance and get back on your feet. 
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