I see how you feel. Let me tell you that i have no paranoia and no delusions because i dont have sz (yet) but i constatly have the fear that it comes out and i also miss the time before the first episode (before 20y). There wasn’t ‘potencial danger’ if i didn’t sleep, for example. The nostalgy of the young age is contributive too. We are getting older
I miss the freedom of leaving my place without feeling like Im being watched or followed or having my neighbors watching and talking about me. I miss not feeling tense all the time, under a microscope. Lots of things to miss, but we have to make do with the hand were dealt. Its a sad reality but remember, everyone has their cross to bear, some more than others. But those with larger burdens are stronger from it. Hang in there man