Ahhh it’s killing me again. Thinking about it. This is why I can’t be alone so long. I have soul rot. Soul rot is terrible. It is like cancer for the spirit. It’s what happens when a soul becomes infected/merged with darker energy. It leads to corruption, and if not controlled can end up completely changing the energy of the soul, turning them into an evil spirit…
The frustrating thing is that there is NO WAY to cure soul rot while incarnated. I believe purgatory helps cleanse the spirit again but I’d have to be dead for that. You can’t cure soul rot while alive but you can contain it, (focusing on keeping your energy high, associating with higher energy beings, etc) and like cancer it can go into a remission of sorts…but stop fighting to contain it and it can spread and spread…
The only difference between soul rot and cancer is that soul rot feels GOOD. You have to fight this disease that feels like the most euphoric drugs imaginable. Actually I think the rot feeling good may just be a sign that it’s progressed pretty badly. Who knows.
Anyways. I’m rotten because demons and evil spirits have chewed me up and spit me back out again. I try to do the best I can to keep my soul from rotting too bad but it’s hard. I am scared of it. I feel deeply sad about it. To me it feels like a cancer diagnosis, only maybe it would be worse for me because I actually want to die so cancer to me would be a blessing but this is a curse and is killing who I am as a being rather than just my body.
I grieve for myself. I realize that may sound stupid or narcissistic, but it’s what I am feeling.
Does soul rot feel like the life has been sucked out of you?
What if you do small, helpful things for people? Or volunteer somewhere and help people worse off than you? Maybe donate $5 to St. Jude Children’s Research Hospital or Make-A-Wish America.
Life is not fair, and I realize that you’re suffering so much, but as I write this there is a two-year-old girl dying of leukemia in a hospital bed, or a kid who gets to go to Disney, have an ice cream cone, and go on the Teacup ride. If only for one day he’s happy.
The best way to pick yourself up is to pick someone else up.
Doing good things helps contain it, anything that raises your energy does. I always try to do kind things for people. Soul rot isn’t having the life sucked out of you it’s like you’re rotting, festering, into something terrible that horrifies you.
Ah but don’t forget being evil isn’t the worst kind of deed a being can do.
Standing around doing nothing but allowing evil to proceed would win this prize.
This is a delusion, Anna. Have you had a flare-up of symptoms recently? Have you talked to your doctor about this? Thinking you have this soul rot thing could affect a lot of areas of your life negatively, and just having symptoms flare up is by itself a distressing sign. I hope you overcome this delusion or at least get it under control.
I used to believe in this. After I was raped, I felt like my souls had been destroyed, and I was no longer a human being. I felt like I infected everyone around me, and could never be a clean spirit again. But it is all a delusion. It’s not your fault you’ve had to go through the horrible hallucinations you’ve had. They didn’t contaminate your soul.
Nothing can ruin a soul permanently. I’ve lived to see my brother, who I once thought was the most evil person in existence, truly repent and try to turn his life around. Now, he lives a moral life and is constantly trying to make it up to us. This was the person who used to use us for moving target practice with his throwing knives, who used to lock us in suitcases and throw us down the stairs. He was sexually abusive and tortured animals. If he can redeem himself, there is nothing in your soul so dark that it can’t be redeemed.
What happened to you wasn’t your fault, and nothing someone else does to you can destroy your soul. Yes, it leaves you with a greater understanding of the darker side of the world. That can never be undone. But with time, and therapy, you can learn how to belong in the light again. You are every bit as worthy of life as anyone else in the world, and you are not impure.
Oh that’s another form of evil. Three kinds of evil, evil actions, evil plans and then evil permission…
I’ve got all of the incarnates in my head. Plague is evil plans, which is directed evil…scheming evil…then another who I don’t have a name for yet is evil actions, he is obsessed with torture and inflicting pain on others (especially me…) then there’s Lou who’s evil permission because he doesn’t want to be involved in any of it and prefers to save his own hide.
That’s what I’m afraid of, I’m afraid if I ever sleep with anyone I’ll pass on this soul rot to them too. Evil changes you just like extreme good does. I feel it made me subhuman as well.
I just need a lot of good in my life to try to bury this bad. I am trying to surround myself in positivity but in the midst of a depressive episode it is a bit of a challenge, looking for an oasis in a desert…
Thank you for sharing your story with me. I am glad your brother “came back to the light”, so to speak.
You should think about specifically going to a sexual abuse counselor. Most cities have free counseling for survivors of sexual abuse. That is how I was able to start to see myself as a human being again. Planned parenthood can put you in touch with the right people. So can the RAINN network. Call them at 800.656.HOPE (4673).
Interesting. Never heard of this, but I’ve certainly experienced it. And, have, in fact, completely died and transformed on every level imaginable, through years and years of unimaginable, soul-shattering suffering, i.e., the very worst years of my psychosis. I recently went through the final stage of completion, or decomposition, if you will, and have no desire to go back – ever. Not that I could, even if I really, really wanted to. I do indeed like myself this way. It feels even better once the soul rot has reached complete soul death, and an inevitable rebirth from that death. My vibration has become so low that I literally cannot even stand a second of direct sunlight anymore. It truly burns me at my very core; my family thinks I’m a vampire. Lol. Little do they know I’m much more than that.
That said, I don’t necessarily encourage anyone here to embrace soul rot, if they do experience it. You will become nothing short of a complete monster. Keep fighting the good fight. It might still be worth it, in one way or another, given the rot has not progressed too far. Truthfully, I fought it well and I fought it hard, but ultimately I failed – and I say that with no frown upon my face.
Yeah, that’s the issue is that the worse your rot is, the more you become averse to good, i.e. the things that can help you raise your energy again. You’ll feel repulsed by good, like it’s cheesy or disgusting, or otherwise insincere. In addition facing good would mean highlighting your own corruption which is increasingly painful the worse the rot is…sort of like turning a light on in a dark room and seeing the full extent of your injury…it’s horrible so you’d prefer to stay in the dark…
I’m sorry this has happened to you too. Once it gets going it can be incredibly hard to start reversing it again.
I am scared to do this because my abuse was hallucinatory. It took me years to stop beating myself up for feeling traumatized by it and hating myself for comparing it to real abuse, even though it was very real to me at the time it occurred. I am worried a counselor would not understand my situation and would make me feel worse about it.
I can’t imagine any counselor going, “oh, your abuse wasn’t abusive enough for us, get over yourself.” They’re trained to help in all circumstances. And you definitely have the real effects of sexual abuse, regardless of whether it was hallucinated or not. You need real help to deal with it.
My very last attempt to face the light, and my own inexplicable decay and corruption, ended with a full-blown psychotic break. I took down my curtains, switched my choice of music, created bright new accounts, made hopeful plans, and generally absorbed myself in as much light and positivity as I could. Of course, my demons rolled back in, one by one, day after day, and eventually, I lost it and became psychotic again. They referred to my break as “the final transformation”. And you know what? They were right. I have the distinct feeling my transformation is finally complete. There truly is no going back now. I am just too far gone to go back to being human, whenever the hell that last was. I’ve been nonhuman for quite some time now. I’ve only just emerged from my corpse.
But I do hope there is still some hope for you. The path to darkness is the path of pain, even if it is highly intoxicating. It works exactly like a drug, with the effects of yes, a cancer. It slowly kills you, so that it can rebuild you in its own ideal image. Fighting it with all you got is the only option you really have, lest you become the very nightmare that now haunts you.
