I can relate to you. I’ve had around 9 psychotic breaks and each one has taken a huge chunk of my spirit until this very last one I had that took whatever was left. My heart exploded in my chest. My emotions were banished far away never again to touch down in my soul again. I knew at the moment that j had the break that I would never be the same again. Now I’ve recovered my sanity but there is a hole there where laughter and fun used to be.
It’s just empty and hollow and at times I feel like I’m going to die from it. Physically as though something broke in my heart and I lost years off my life.
I experienced a lot of trauma from the psychosis. One episode was sexual and I reemerged from it believing I was gay for a while. I’m not gay. It’s amazing what your brain chemicals going awry can do to you. Still to this day I have little to no interest in sexual relationships. It’s not the actual act of sex but the interacting with another person to get it which seems like too much effort for me. Maybe it’s my age.
I don’t know but I’m pretty sure that even though I still look young. The illness has aged me in a way that makes me Unrelatable to normal people. I’ve reached lows that are so depraved and dark that maybe only someone who was in prison or raped could understand.
How long have you had this illness @UnknownExistence? If you don’t mind me asking
I feel a lot like you do but I’ve had on and off psychosis for 16 years. I’m sorry that you have had these experiences. For me it’s like living life on a banana peel. You never know when you’re going to slip or someone is going to pull the carpet out from under your feet.
It’s never impossible to go back. Bad entities just want you to think that so you’ll never try again. It is incredibly difficult though, the farther you fall down the pit the farther you have to climb up…falling is a lot easier than climbing, needless to say, especially with things trying to pull you back down as you go. I also notice when I try to raise my energy bad entities fiercely try to intervene.
I think you’re the first person I’ve met who truly understands this experience.
I understand this feeling very well. I’m telling you, evil experiences change you. A while back when all the bad crap was still happening to me I had a dream that I was drafted into war. It was horrible, I didn’t want to be there as I was a pacifist, and I watched many of my friends die painfully.
Then I finished my time and got to go back home. I was invited to a friend’s party. But I felt so alone there. They were being silly teens and talking about gossip, highschool stuff, etc. I had been to war. I had seen horrible things. I couldn’t identify with them anymore. I became deeply depressed at this knowledge. Then I learned I was going to be drafted again, and resigned to kill myself before I was taken back.
When I had that dream I was still psychotic so I thought it was a vision of a past life, but years later I can clearly understand the symbolism there.
You can go the other way, too. I used to study the happiest, kindest, most well-adjusted people I knew to see what they did that was different from what I did, and tried to incorporate what I could into my life. It was a lot of, get out, get sunlight, help people, notice and appreciate small things.
It didn’t solve anything, but it helped.
Damn. I can relate to what you wrote on many levels.
Thats a pretty nasty dream to have and the fact that it had such an impact is very scary. That stuff stays with you, and it does change you into a more serious person. I lost my twenties to this illness. I lost most of my 30s too. I think it shows in my eyes. I look very intent on staying alive lol. I fight a war in my head every day too. I can see eye to eye with people who are at the end of their lives, very old. Yet I have to potential to be incredibly light hearted and care free at times.
It’s like being baptized an angel through fire having these experiences. Like passing through the eye of a needle. I try not to get bitter towards regular folks these days. Like the guys my age who only worry about wha bar they’re going to that weekend, or who to lift with at the gym. I was never that guy even before the psychotic episodes
I don’t have the insight to offer any really good advice, only empathy. I feel trapped in a situation that I can’t escape. It is VERY hard. I don’t feel like my soul is rotting but I feel like my soul is totally vulnerable to the whims of other people.
I try to focus on anything I can that is good, even if it is something small. Maybe a movie or a hot shower or some music. I can’t escape my situation either and that is all I can do is focus on anything positive that I can.
I hope you feel better very soon.
Reminds me of the band "soul coughing"
What’s their excuse?
I’ve had ongoing psychosis for at least 6 years now, yet, during just these 6 years, my soul has all but been entirely shredded and done away with. I’m quite sure that I could understand your deepest lows. Depravity and darkness are pretty much all I know, and live for. The only reason I’m not in prison is, well, I’m smart – high-functioning. I always have been. I know damned well I could never get away with the things I’ve come very close to doing. I’ve been mentally unstable my whole life. I must’ve been dropped on my head multiple times as a baby. I am 24 now, yet my memory and processing speed are both consistent with those of an 80 year old’s.
I’ve done everything I possibly can, to remedy myself. But I firmly believe this is the end of the line for me. I’ve had countless psychotic breaks – some so bad that I could literally feel, every fiber of my soul and part of my brain, being shredded into oblivion. The whole time, I would scream at the top of my lungs, while my head violently jerked sideways, and there was absolutely nothing I could do to stop what was happening. Numerous episodes reminiscent of what could only be described, in the least amount of words, as demonic possession. Looking back, I realize just how traumatic my own psychosis has been. I know damned well my brain is damaged. Oh well. I lived to see another day. I am not complaining. The damage has already been done – the transformation, complete – and not an ounce of self-pity or any such thing to be seen. This is my evolution, and I’ve no choice but to wholly embrace it…
I appreciate your kind words, but I think I’m gone. It would take more than a miracle, at this point, to bring me even slightly back in the other direction. I cannot possibly fall any more, as my soul is already gone – that I know for sure. It’s an upwards descent from here, you might say. I am a brand new canvas, so to speak.
You are certainly the first person I’ve met as well, who understands this whole thing. But I see hope for you. You seem to be in a position where you still have some relative control of where you are headed. That is good. Hang onto that control for dear life, and perhaps seek a spiritual healer? Traditional psychologists will outright dismiss this sort of thing.
You sound like they’ve really gotten into your head but that’s not surprising given your condition. Best of luck to you and I hope at some point you will gain the will to fight again because a person lost to soul rot is a sincere tragedy…if I hadn’t had very positive entities in my life too I would not have been able to come back to where I am now. Doing it on your own can be practically impossible…
I’ll do my best to stay at the top of the cliff 
it’s not a soul rot but rather a splitting of the soul and the soul can be repaired and heal just like mine ive no serious symptoms the past 7 years, ive found and willed on peace of mind and I am super grateful for every minute I wake every morning. ive learnt to cope on this journey
I heard of that before, the belief in soul fragments and whatnot. I don’t feel like I lost anything, just that what I had had become warped
on the other side of the coin , no one can say what the soul actually is. there is no proof to what the soul is…its a mystery
True, I don’t understand a thing about it
you don’t have soul rot @Anna because no one knows what a soul is
Just because you don’t understand something doesn’t mean you can’t know there’s something wrong. Some people don’t know anything about how their organs work but can tell when there’s a serious issue.
Well, I’ve basically become them. This was their plan all along. Upon my death our unification will be whole and complete. The flesh is a burden and a barrier. Those positive entities you have helping you, might just be what save you. They are your lifeline. True, it is practically impossible without such aid, which I suppose is why I failed. I had no positive entities, and I did not even have hardly any surrounding human support, or help – merely an estranged mother, a kind, but clueless father, and near the end of it all, a complete moron of a psychologist. I was alone, and I still am alone, with them. But that’s something I don’t care about anymore. The higher dimensional beings must have seen me as a lost cause, and I suppose I am a lost cause, in their eyes. They stay far, far away from me. My vibration is simply too low – and the darkness surrounding me is impenetrable.
Dear god yes that’s exactly what I felt too, the evil entities wanted me to merge with them-it’s like it wanted to CONSUME me.
You can try to reach out to positive entities…personally I think of them as God/my guardian angel/guides etc. They will want to help…But the negative entities are NOT going to want that and if they think you’re going to call for help they will do ANYTHING to stop you, which can involve intimidation or worse making you feel so good you won’t want to call for help…and then there’s the whole goodness aversion issue too you can develop. But I’m just saying it’s not a lost cause for you yet.
I hate that there are other people going through this.
Truthfully, I have no desire for their help. I scoff at them. They allowed me to slip this far, without so much as an offered hand. I will never put my faith in them. The idea is laughable. I’ve decayed for just way too long to care anymore. This is what I’ve become, this is what I am, and there’s no turning back now. My last psychotic break was akin to the final nail in the coffin.