I’m pretty sure dad wants me out of the house. A few days ago we had a big fight and the next day it was clear he was going to blame for all of it. (It’s over something stupid, I don’t think we should trust strangers to take my cousin’s dog without even telling my cousin) While everyone was at worked I tried to pack my things and went to a friends house.
I Got so angry it got to the point where I Switched, I wasn’t me anymore. I was angry, bold and wasn’t willing to be silent and obedient. But now that I’m someplace else, even in a place that is safe and with people that care about me, I’m stressed and anxious. None of the alters like being in a different, small environment for extended periods of time. We need our own space, we need space to move. I hate that I’m being ungrateful but at the same time I’m so cramped, so stressed…for now, I’m living with three people in a small two bedroom apartment.
I’ve done this before, tried to move out after an argument with my family. In the heat of the moment I Switch and even though I’m not happy about giving up what I have, I’m ready to make a change. But She goes to sleep and leaves me alone to regret what happened. I love my friends but I love my family and the comfort of home. It hurts so much, twisted and broken and hollow. Dad says he’s hurting but nothing has really changed for him, aside from a few chores he has to do now. He says space will help us cool off but I’m past cooled off and stuck at being scared and stressed.
How can I adjust? Even on short trips the alters panic and destroy our mind, and now we’re at the point that this may be permanent. We are so afraid that we know we would have to leave someday. It really hurts…