I was just thinking about my financial situation, which is obviously better than some and worse than others. For me, personally, it’s difficult because I live in a society where people around me go out to eat, buy new clothes and go on vacations, etc. It’s a treat to go out to eat sometimes, I very rarely buy new clothes, and vacations are out of the question.
I think of how I was raised. We were poor when I was little, but my dad worked three jobs and went to law school when I was little. Once he became a lawyer we had money. The future that’s expected of someone raised with my opportunities is one of higher education and prosperity. I should have attained more.
So, I was just thinking about that again. Thinking what I must look like to other people. I’m neither lazy nor stupid. I’m a hard worker and relatively smart.
I can’t really explain myself, and I know I don’t need to, except that it does bother me. I’ve achieved very little, so I’m either lazy or stupid… but it’s not that. It’s not that.
I guess it’s just silly pride that lets that bother me.
I understand. My husband works hard and is successful, but if I could pull it together and just work a regular job in my field, we could afford the vacations and nice cars he deserves. I have guilt about my ability to contribute. Seriously, we can’t make ourselves slave to money and status. We need to let it go and focus on living.
I understand this. I ranted and then deleted what I had to say. I’m trying to handle living in an unfinished home–unfinished because we’re broke. I’m sick of it. I’m equally sick of living in an area where I could work but no one will hire me though LA County never had an issue with me… Security is nice; I miss it. If we don’t get some soon, we’re moving.
I am struggling to just be grateful. I am a lot of the time. I don’t need a lot in this life. I don’t even like expensive things.
What’s really bothering me the most, though, is not what material things I could have, but the fact that I never finished my education and have a low paying job, and what that says to other people about me.
I feel judged a lot, and that’s one of the things that I feel judged about…
People think we are well off because we have a restaurant. But we have bills to pay and save for the future. When they hear we live in a trailer they are stunned.
Completely understood. This weekend I have a camping trip with three of my best friends from school. One of them is an OBGYN, one ownes a successful brewery. My closest friend just got kicked out of a graduate program for using drugs and I haven’t had anything other than contract work in 5 years. We’re both fearing the judgement pretty bad. We’re all different and can’t base our worth on others. We also can’t beat ourselves up for personal disappointments.
unless the ones judging offer a solution…they can wipe their own ass and shut their mouths… because you cant see the forest from the trees and you cant smell your own ■■■■ on your knees… I was once followed by security through a nicer store because of my look… naturally I gave him a verbal jab “you could atleast pretend your not following me around”… apparently not funny so I asked to speak with the manager… and asked why… she did not answer but in nice terms asked me to leave before I was forced… I said ok and reached in my pocket to pull out the 4 grand in 100s I had gotten for my car insurance on my freshly totaled car…tapped it on the security mans hat… and said I just wanted to get a cool hat and walked away… so judging solely on a single thing like assumed amounts of wealth… lost them money… judging others before getting to know them forfeits much more to the individual… they lose out on a potential friend…
I put myself into debt to get an education but time will tell how that’s going to pan out. I gave myself this pep-talk like me having a graduate degree would make me worthwhile to employers, but I’m still sick; I’m still not the one they want. If they can avoid hiring me, they will. I honestly want to go work for the Goodwill under sheltered employment because even though I won’t get paid much, I’ll get treated like a human being and have benefits…
I am sorry you are struggling with this. It’s hard. But you’ll always be a hero to me because you raised your son when the odds were against you. Trash can’t do that. Nothing else means half as much.
It’s natural to get sad when thinking of unfulfilled potential. Every so often I say to myself that I could have been this or I could have been that. But the truth is that we cannot predict the future, and bad things happen to good people.
The grass is always greener on the other side, so I’ve learned to be content.
No one else knows what you are capable of and from my estimation that is a great deal and a great deal more than you give yourself credit for. Sure, prestige is nice but my hunch is that you are a genuine human being with empathy and a heart and that’s what matters and those are what we are short on. I know that doesn’t make those feelings go away but maybe it can help you focus on something else?
Also, you have low-paying jobs with your medication and medical situation. You have to know that with 90% of schizophrenics unemployed, you are kicking butt.
Yeah, people can’t (or won’t) understand our particular challenges in living a life with schizophrenia. Some people will understand though. Its ironic but we feel better if we hide our illnesses but that makes unaware people wonder at our life choices or lack of choices because in peoples eyes we look like any other person walking around so they expect us to act and achieve what everybody else does. Its a “Catch-22” situation.
I know I feel those judgements too all the time. And people can pretend to think that I don’t see it. It’s not like I’m like my older brother who has 5 kids and can’t keep a job for no reason other than his own irresponsible and stupid behavior. We’re not the same at all and yet, I have to be put under that scope too.
Such twisted and dark perceptions people have these days that they see worth as being only how much we make or “how high our accomplishments are” rather than what we bring to the world.
It’s a shame if people don’t see you for you and what you’ve done in your line of work and that your art is inspiring to people. You’re lovely just as you are for being you. It’s just their ugly minds that twist things to see otherwise.
In Mozart’s opera, the Marriage of Figaro, the domestic, Susanna sings “girls in my position don’t get headaches”. So she knew the value of her simple stature.
That’s such a great story, @flameoftherhine! Thanks for sharing 
That really touches my heart. Thank you, @Wendy. 
I come from a solidly middle class background. I went to English private schools from the age of 8 to 18. My father was a diplomat who was high ranking enough to get into Who’s who.
I have never worked due to severe mental illness. I have always been on benefits. I live in social housing.
I often feel guilty and useless because I have never worked. It is even worse when I go through my all too frequent “I’m not really mentally ill,I’m just socially dysfunctional” spells, and beat myself up for being weak.
I’m not on medication, but I have a relatively low stress job and take plenty of days off. I try to keep everything balanced.
I appreciate your kind words
That’s exactly it, @77nick77.
I know you’re not on medication. I just wasn’t sure if I should say so but the fact that you aren’t on medication and are holding down a job–any job–is remarkable.
You’re so intelligent and make such great contributions to this forum!
It’s funny because I see all the genuine worth in other people but can’t let myself “off the hook”.
You’re extremely worthwhile, @firemonkey!