I think quite a few of us here do that.
Thank you, @Genbu. I have six siblings who are all pretty successful. My parents never gave me a hard time, but I know that my dad particularly has been disappointed in me.
But, I do need to hold onto the good stuff about my life, etc. Why is that so hard to do?
When I’m in public I am clean and dress OK and I don’t really stand out so they can’t tell if I’m rich or poor. And I have a nice car so in a way I have as much or more power than a lot of people in public.
People often tell me, “you should be a teacher!” “Why don’t you get your teaching credential?” Even my kids/students tell me to go back to school. And there’s no way in this lifetime that that’s happening. But explaining that is impossible.
I really like what you said about it being a catch-22.
I feel like I have many angles. My mothers entire side of the family lived in trailers on public assistance. My one living aunt, who is 7 years older than me, lives in a trailer that isn’t even level, the floor is pulling away from the walls and the floor has fallen through in several places. My dad’s parents were dirt poor. several of my dad’s siblings had to go to orphanages. My dad doesn’t like people with money. It is burned into his brain. They are selfish and bad (in his mind). He himself wound up lower middle class and that is what he hoped for his kids. Aiming for the sky was never his moto in fact he would set you straight in a hot minute if you started ‘dreaming’ of wanting more than the bare minimum as a kid. After I got divorced, I had the pleasure of flying first class, eating in 4 star restaurants, staying in nice hotels, spending $250 on jeans and eating out all the time. Then…I hit bottom. I became literally penniless and MI. Now I live with my lower middle class father in his tiny, 100 year old house and I am on SSDI
I have never thought I was better than anyone. Nor do I feel anyone is better than me. I don’t believe money or possessions determine worth or value but I am not going to lie…I miss the good stuff. It was nice to have money. It was. I am a very grateful person. Shoot, I could be on the street if it weren’t for this little house and my SSDI. I am very grateful but I get sad that I didn’t shoot for the moon. I wish I had more. I want to take my kids to Europe, I want to go shopping, I want to get a pedicure. I want a lot of things. It would be nice. It would. But that’s not my reality. I do worry sometimes that people will judge me for being poor. I got invited to dinner at the Metropolitan Grill. A very nice place where appetizers and drinks could easily run you $200 -$300, let alone ‘dinner’. I said no. I made excuses but the truth is because I had nothing nice to wear (not even close!) and I was embarrassed to valet park my cheap 2003 Toyota Camry with the broken remote lock. Having said that, I don’t wish I had money so I am not embarrassed. I wish I had money because of all the opportunity it affords you. Travel being first on the list.
Sorry, I got to babbling…
In my delusion, there is another world where I am exceedingly wealthy so I think about this here and again. I actually talked about it in therapy today.
Self - stigma it sounds like
I have a moneyed background
my father expressed his dissapointment and had i done better in my A’ Levels and gone to Durham or Oxford University - i would have met a much better quality of people
@Hedgehog, in the small version I thought your avatar was of a woodcut but seeing it larger I don’t think it is. But who is it??
Oh, that’s a pen and ink drawing I did 30 years ago. I got the face from a photo in Ireland Magazine. It was s photo of a boy at a horse fair. Lol, that was a long time ago, but I remember that!
I grew up poor. my dad would often be out of work so my mom would be the one who worked two jobs. I remember when my parents were out of work for 6 months around winter and Christmas time. we survived on pancakes and fried chicken that my uncle brought over from his work.
many jobs are wage slavery and will be soon displaced by automation, robotics, and ai
individuals need to start identifiying with what they “don’t” have rather than buy into the cyclical consumption based market system
When I was little and my dad worked three jobs while going to school, one of his jobs was at a supermarket. So he would bring home things like the store brand frozen pizza, which was like cardboard with a little bit of cheese and sauce and funky cubes of pepperoni…it was awesome! We loved it!
Has really if you work hard and you’re smart, there’s something to say about that. Being smart is no easy task and if you work hard there is some nobility to that. Everyone has some worth to them.
Changed your name, but this is Apathy? Very nice to see you again. Your input was missed.
False pride is stupid. You are who you are and so accept yourself knowing that the worth of a human being has no money value and you are worth more than anything money can buy. Its like if someone proposed to me a billion dollars for my son. There is no way in this world i would trade him for all the money in the world. He is mine and i love him. Also the same with even for a stangers life for all the money in the world. Lets say someone offered me a billion dollars for surrendering an innocent person for to be able to take his life. No way i would do it. Money has no power over me like that. For me money comes after most other values like love, family, friendship, decency etc. If somebody offered me a billion dollars for present but told me the money was collected by exploitation and extortion i would not accept it. Unfortunately there are people who would but those are scum.
It’s not about the money for me either. Although it would be nice to not worry about paying bills each month.
I just go through times when I feel like I need to explain why I didn’t finish my education and get a career… and I can’t explain. More was expected of me.
But, on better days I just love my job, I genuinely love my job, and know I have nothing to be ashamed of.
Yes I am Apathy.