Schizophrenia.com

Sooner or later I'm going to have to notice that Idon't measure up

#1

I keep putting it off. Because I think I’ll have to do something about it and don’t know what.

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#2

Measure up? To what? Comparing yourself to someone else will bring nothing but trouble. Live for yourself and be carefree.

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#3

there is no measure to how a person should be.
if you have kindness in your heart then you are the greatest person you can ever become.
take care

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#4

Theres that famous quote that goes something like this

I cant remember it exactly so if someone can clarify…

Life is a race, its not a sprint but a marathon, but in the end its basically just a race against yourself.

Anyway I think I may a balls of that quote, but you get my gist.

By the way, I don’t feel I measure up much myself. I don’t have a girlfriend, never had; and am still a virgin at 37. Also, I don’t have friends. And I don’t have a career nor much money.

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#5

Maybe friends are just for people who are even more needy - have to have constant reassurance.

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#6

I don’t have a kind hear. I don’t know how to develop one yet. I just try to get at the truth.

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#7

you say kind things on here, so i think you are kind.
take care

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#8

Sex is overrated.

I say good for you for not having a girlfriend.

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#9

The modern world is so competitive (not to mention what advertisements do to us) that I think it’s natural to feel that way in our culture. You would hardly be human if you hadn’t picked up some of the measuring-mentality.

I don’t think this was very helpful, but those are my thoughts about part of what you are saying.

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#11

I’ve yet to find that knowing the truth does me any good. It doesn’t change things.

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#12

I’ve noticed today that i haven’t measured up to my expectations of where i expected my life to be at by now.

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#13

That resonates very deeply with me. The expectations and disappointments are all coming from me, not my family. My family doesn’t say they are disappointed in me. I say I’m disappointed in myself.

I don’t feel like I measure up sometimes because I’m not like other people. My family doesn’t get upset with me for that. I get upset with me for it.

My not measuring up is internal, not external.

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#14

I hear you. I’ve wanted and expected so, so much of myself that when I look at where I am today, in a little almost community college where maybe three students care to put in any effort and everyone cheats, I could do so much better. Or I thought I could. I have the reputation as “that girl who reads” from my endeavors to finish “Mao, A Life” in my free time a the cafeteria before I started eating with K and her boyfriend. That’s how little these people care about education and self improvement. It’s nice to have the company but I miss my book. I don’t think I’ll ever finish it. I put it aside (yet again) but this time it wasn’t because summer came but because a teacher told me I needed to read “Bleak House” to help my stories.
I don’t want to be a professional writer. I want to write, sell it, and all that, but that’s not all I want out of life! I wanted to be a prosecuting attorney and help victims get justice. But everyone seems to agree that would be too much for me. I have too soft a heart and deep down I know they are right.
I want to be more so badly, but I can’t leave my little egg crate. That’s all I feel I am. A little egg nestled in it’s styrofoam crate. I have to be kept at just the right temperature and away from even the most minor bumps or I will be ruined and useless.
But I am an artist. I thought when I was younger that would be fun, that I would struggle to do something else besides what I do and then go back to it. But I had hope back then. I thought I could do anything. But now I feel like so many before me. I feel like I have nothing but words. In the end people might like it, it might touch them or whatever, but it wouldn’t really do any good.
I wanted to be a doctor and go to Africa to help people and wander about for those who needed me the most. That was before I had to face the fact that I just couldn’t overcome my math problems. So I decided on lawyer. I guess I didn’t really get it huh?
What were your dreams?

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#15

Set your own standards for who/what you think you should be. Everyone ends up doing something, it’s unique for each person what they should do. I myself am intelligent and respond well to medications, so my goals are quite high. For others, just getting by is harder than exams are for me. Don’t let advertising or the media make you think you need to be someone else- and dont let other people tell you who to be. I am different, I am a strange but successful person, and I owe most of my success to going against what everyone was telling me. For example, I transferred from a Catholic all-boys high school to an international school when I was 16 and I immediately left the grips of depression and OCD. I made good grades, made tons of friends and was happy and healthy, all because I stood my ground and went against what my parents told me, that I was the only person in the family to not graduate from a catholic school and all of this other garbage. I proved to them that I knew what was best for me.

I plan things out and I take my goals seriously. I pick extreme hobbies alongside school, for example I am in powerlifting now and was learning Krav Maga before that. I do well at whatever I decide to do well at.

Just do what you feel is in intuitive. That’s a key component of living with schizophrenia in my opinion. Don’t look for what to do outside of yourself, ask yourself what you have in you, and take suggestions from people who have experience in what you are trying to do, ignore everyone else. I take this literally- the elite rank lifters in my gym often say “You’ve got 20 more lbs in you” when I am loading up the barbell. Most of the time, I do find that I had another 20lbs in me and finish the lift without hesitation. They have also told me to slow down and not try too hard. I listen to that too. I have long arms and struggle with the bench press (from touching my chest to locking my arms out, it’s 3ft) and the trainers told me to take it easy and work with lighter weights and once I master them, then try heavier weights.

But schizophrenia is the worst of all psychiatric disorders. Unless medication works like a charm, it’s a hard and seemingly impossible life. I went for well over a year without antipsychotics, and it was utter hell. If you are there right now, medication-resistant and suffering, don’t pretend you don’t have a problem. Do only what you can, doing what you can is the best that can happen. Im only an amateur powerlifter, there are two ranks above me. I dont put 100 more lbs on the bar and hurt myself trying to be like the best lifters in the gym. I do what I can, and what I can do improves with practice. My squat has gone up 145 lbs since I had a leg injury last semester. I did what I could, and it what I could do increased with practice.

Just dont give up, do all that you can do, nothing more but nothing less.

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#16

I feel for you as I also don’t think I have a kind. I don’t fit in very well I just keep to myself and watch the world pass me by. I just don’t relate to people. I can’t stand sports or tv. I can no longer take drugs. I’m schizophrenic which very few people know anything about. And I’m also pretty gay not predominately but it’s there. I feel very isolated and different from your average person who doesn’t trouble themselves with the thoughts and beliefs I have taken upon myself. I feel the need to strive to be like them so whimsical and care free. So socialable and functional. And at the same time so entirely stupid in my mind. All I’m trying to say is I feel for you chordy. Listen to these people on here they are smart and it might help you to relax and feel like your in the company of people that care. If you ever need a friend we all be here. Not quite as good as face to face but it’s the next best thing. Hope all ends up well for you. We are all in the struggle of life together.

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#17

onceapoet, I never had a dream. I did not even have a dream waking up from sleep until I was 20. My life was push come to shove until I had my breakdown. My dreams are yet to appear.

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#18

Pick something out of a hat. That’s what I did. (Not literally more figuratively). Guys thought I was pretty and one girl said she knew an agency that would go for me if I lost some weight. I didn’t go for it then because I was cool with my weight (always have been). Didn’t work out. My parents wouldn’t let me go to a big city for auditions (good call) and none of the agencies I sent pictures into (standard practice) mailed me back. That was fine with me. Not becoming a model was a great thing for me. I only really tried it because I was insecure about my looks. No girls wanted to date me and before high school pretty much no boys were interested in me. I thought if I was pretty life would be better. Guys think I’m pretty now and it has the same bonuses and drawbacks that being plain did. Well there are different ones, but the proportions are equal. What I am trying to say is, if you pick something out of the hat and you realize it would play on your insecurities toss it away and pick a new one.
I’ve tried doctor, lawyer, now I’m on entrepreneur/writer. Just write down on a sheet all of the things you think you would be good at or would like to do. No matter how far fetched. Dream as big as you want to. Lawyer, doctor, physicist, astronaut, whatever your heart is slightly inclined to. Cut up the paper. Find a hat or big bowl. Fold all the bits of paper, toss them in, give it a shake, and pick one. Check it out. Find the requirements. Picked astronaut? See what it takes. (I think you have to be a jet fighter in the air force and get chosen). Look at the requirements for the air force. (One of my exs wanted to be in the army. He had anxiety so they rejected him). So astronaut is out. Set that scrap on fire and never think about it again. Pick another scrap. Artist. Sign up for some college classes. Start with a drawing class and a few others, but make sure not to overwhelm yourself. Just test the waters. Turns out you love to draw? Go for it. Go for it. Be careful and take it one step at a time but go forward. Statically you won’t be the next Andy Warhol, but as long as your dream is to create something you can take pride in and being famous isn’t an obsession, you should be ok. Make sure you do research on how to market your art though, so you can pay off the student debt.

College is also a good way to meet a romantic partner. I don’t think I’m making life long friends where I am and my Mom is almost out of touch with her college friends, but most people fall in love at college. Going to coffee with a college friend (and romantic interest), his brother, and their friends is how I met C. Don’t go crazy trying to find a partner though. Other people aren’t attracted to that. You go through it, you might meet the love of your life (or at least get set up in something that might lead to them), and that’s all there is to a dream.

I don’t think that all dreams are instinctive. One friend I had wanted to be a doctor since she was four. Most people aren’t like that though. I never really had a period where I dreamed about what career I wanted beyond finding something I could live with that would support me. I was very practical like that. Dreams can also be fleeting. I think everyone dreams about being a rock star but get over it quickly.

Also maybe your dreams are like mine, more people oriented. I have always wanted a life long friend. That has been my dream. Not all dreams deal with actions, some deal with feelings. I think those are the most worth-while.
You can have multiple dreams or even just one.
Just pick something and if you don’t love it, pick again!

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#19

I don’t think you realize I’ll be 70 years old this year. So my dreams are limited by that and the fact that I don’t have a lot of money. But, I like your ideas and will think about them. I do have a few life long friends. Our secret is that we don’t overdo it. We stay “hungry” for each other so are grateful when we get together or communicate.

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#20

I won’t measure up the downfall or absence of the granduer type thinking sz throws at me.

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#21

I don’t read a lot. I’ve read a few stories and when I’ve finished each one becomes a place in my mind - my mental landscape that wasn’t there before. I think has done some good for me.

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