IDK. In AA alcoholics used to say "Sometimes I just like to wallow in my own "sht"." Meaning just giving up trying to be positive and good and just think of all the bad character traits and all your faults and character defects and just revel in them and embrace them and wallow in the negative like a pig wallowing in mud and slop. I get this way at work. I get tired of trying to be good and sticking up for myself. Just the every day struggle of getting along with people. Sometimes I just want to feel terrible about myself and how no one respects me. The frequent days I feel like a loser unworthy of being treated good. Just to get in that state and say “screw it” and wallow in the sht.
I ain’t giving up by a long shot but when I go low. I go really low.
