Some thoughts in solitude

I live in isolation but not by choice. I don’t like being alone. I am up early to go to the supermarket before it gets hot. I heard someone here say they were put in solitary confinement in jail. That is so bad. That shouldn’t happen to anyone, ever. I would tear myself apart. I am known to be self destructive. I feel I’ve destroyed myself, and the only thing I haven’t done is use drugs and alcohol. I keep thinking I’ll find some good in being alone. I had the opportunity for friends and blew it. I’ve tried to make friends but mentally ill people can be anti social. I don’t feel so bad this morning about it, just dark, and the dark sky always frightens me. I’m happier in the daytime, but in direct sunlight I am totally dark inside. I am surviving somehow I guess because my experiences are all imaginary. I’m having thoughts of changing my anti psychotic to clozaril. I may have no choice, I have trouble swallowing food and the other night I had trouble breathing. I would love to eat pizza again! Please don’t give up, just wait until things get better.

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I started making a few friends a few years ago. You might meet someone perhaps at a mental illness activity. You may eventually ask for his or her phone number. You talk to them on the phone a few times. Then you have a new friend. Keep talking to them on the phone. Most people will probably agree to that.

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