Person 1 says: I can’t keep these pills in my pocket,
they go straight to my head.
Person 2 says: I can’t keep this gun in my pocket,
it goes straight to my head.
Person 3 says: I can’t keep fame in my pocket,
it goes straight to my head.
Intellectual asks: Alright, which one of you
is skull and bones?
My local church was robbed last night, they took everything that wasn’t nailed down.
At least Jesus was safe.
There was a man who entered a local newspaper’s pun contest.
He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win.
Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
Guy goes to an art museum.
Curator says: We have bold colors,
hope they speak to you.
Security guard says: We have bold designs,
hope they speak to you.
Man says: I’m spoken for, but I like how you framed that.
Woman takes her dog downtown to get groomed.
She runs into young woman who is waiting in line
wearing a wedding dress, who says: they told me
all I needed now was a groom.
Groomer says: As far as I can tell you’re not fluff,
but maybe see who’s raised at the bar next door.
Young woman says: Oh, I never keep things in limbo.
What’s black and white and red all over?
An embarrassed Zebra!
The rain was soaking the flowers and the boy said “how do I get to the root? " and the master gardener said “you don’t pull any punches” and the boy said " too bad it’s a knockout day”
Where does the general keep his armies?
In his sleevies.
What do you call a fisherman and his girlfriend?
Rod and Annette.
Where does the general get his chicken?
From colonol sanders.
Why do eskimos have refridgerators?
… …
To keep their food from freezing.
Son was eating 3 helpings and mother said You’re eating me out if house and home. And son said That’s why I’ve got so much room.
Daughter jumped way ahead in school and father said We think it’s because she was born on leap day.
Woman was a bank executive and customer was having heart attack in lobby and woman came out to the scene and revived him then later said It’s because I’ve done so many savings.
What did the Bhudist monk say to the hotdog vendor?
Make me one with everything.
A defensive lineman on the football team was worried about his drinking problem but he told the media "I’m going to tackle it, I won’t let it get past me. "
A running back on the football team was having a terrible game couldn’t catch anything but later he told the media "I did catch something today, I caught a cold. "
Several guys on the defensive line’s first job was in a grocery store, they learned how to sack 'em.
One night, I stayed up all night playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.
a blonde and a brunette were walking down the road and the brunette said, look at that dead bird, and the blonde looked up and said “where?”
Q : What’s the best sex position to create ugly children?
A : Ask your Mum.