My only complaints are that he doesn’t follow up with me. I get a 10 minute phone appointment every three months. I think he scheduled this time for less than that, because I was starting a new medication. It’s just frustrating that I can’t get a direct-line of communication and have no idea what to do if I were to start slipping into psychosis. There’s no relapse prevention plan in place. No crisis intervention plan. So what should I do if I am having symptoms? My online therapist asked me to come up with a plan with my psychiatrist to where if Prozac was making me manic or worse what to do. I basically have no direct way to contact that person other than leaving a voicemail with the case manager. Sometimes they don’t return the calls. At one point the entire phone system was down for two days. I know they’re trying to improve it and going through management changes but this place needs serious improvement, if not could be going out of business.
I’m feeling a bit stressed out about finances. My dad’s business might be sold, and he doesn’t provide me any help to get on my feet or become financially independent. So like I have no access to transportation so I cannot work. So I am applying for SSI but I feel derailed by the fact I haven’t been given sufficient opportunities to even get long-term or any sort of gainful employment, because my parents are keeping me from working and that to me feels like financial restrictive or almost like financial slavery.
I’m frustrated. I don’t trust the system. It’s a complete joke. I just want to have my own car, my own space, my own life, my own mind. The walls are closing in around me. My freedoms are slowly disappearing further and further as I willingly submit myself to the almighty machine.
And to be fair, I was working 40 hours a week night shift with only 10 min breaks so that was hard labor. Not all jobs are that stressful!! I am tired of being given the worst possible options. My family has no faith in me. My mom does, but she’s sorta broken now. I guess I can go with the flow, I’m not trying to ruin an opportunity. But who sees government benefits as an opportunity if they cap my income and I can’t save? It’s more like a welfare trap than an opportunity to succeed or anything.
Should I just cancel the hearing and give up? I have no idea of how I’m going to manage to get out with NO ONE WILLING to help me, and a ten minute conversation with a gov. contractor psychiatrist every three months on whether or not to take Prozac. I am being completely stifled in life. I think I’m going back to my hippie ways, I’m going to stop going to IOP, stop doing the program, stop wasting time and find a job or learn to network…or come up with an idea for something I can do from home or my computer…or enroll in course-era and actually finish a course instead of doubt myself like my parents and fam. does.
I’m actually under the impression that he’s lying about me. So like put yourself in my situation: I moved home in good conscience because my life was unmanageable. But I never believed I had schizophrenia. Now I’m in this situation where I could get benefits for my schizophrenia (although I applied for SSI as Bipolar) so I don’t even know which one they’re gonna call me, would it be wrong to allow the government to give you money for something you don’t believe is true? Like it’s almost like bribery. I’m in a financial prison where I have no income, and family refuses to support me event though they can. But I have to get SSI and in order to get gov. benefits I have to agree that I have some mental illness which I don’t believe I have, and then they get to control how much money I have. That’s just more control. And I will be capped at $2000 in my bank account, so I won’t be able to fly around Paris or anything. So not only mental slavery but financial slavery.
If I say no to the hearing and don’t get SSI, I could still qualify for stimulus checks. Either way, I’m being punished for this label. And I believe the psychiatric system caused my illness through malpractice. As I went in at 15 for a suicide attempt induced by anti-psychotics after I was raped in boarding school, then I was assaulted in the mental hospital and given tons of experimental treatments for 9 weeks or more, and isolated as punishment for refusing medications. So in my mind, the system caused my illness because that was before I was diagnosed with paranoid schizophrenia.
You beat your self up because you don’t know what kind of mental illness you have. But it is so common for one to be not objective about oneself while we are here in a physical body.
Most of us here, by the time we have been to five psychiatrists have gained three different diagnoses.
Diagnoses are necessary to get the insurance companies to join the effort for our wellbeing.
Really psych doctors treat symptoms with medications.
And it’s basically too late for a lawsuit because my parents thought a lawsuit would “be too hard” on me and then they agreed with the psychiatrist after I told her I thought I had been raped at boarding school, then I found “Schizophrenia, undifferentiated” circled on a sheet of paper. Then my mom started protesting WHINSEC which is some type of government agency that practices illegal torture and spying on Americans, and train it in schools to go overseas and torture people in like GTMO and Latin American farmers. So she has been on the FBI radar since she protested the gov. and met my dad, whose father worked for the GOV. and was drafted to create nuclear weapons during the Cold war and was a nuclear physicist and astrophysicist and teacher. So my parents went to this protest at Dusquesne University in Pittsburgh PA and fell in love at some point, my mom was arrested and detained by the FBI when she was pregnant with me she has said, now she says she wasn’t pregnant when she spent the night in jail. The story changes to fit my dad’s memories. My mother was fighting with my dad over his involvement with government contractors and why does his business have to work with defense contractors. My dad is in the healthcare tech. sector. He writes software that streamlines healthcare and record keeping. It seems innocent. But I had an episode at seventeen when I believed that there would be a pandemic and that his company would profit off surveillance hospital software. Then my mom tried to divorce him and she went missing with some people and got arrested hours away from here like it was all a setup.
Ever since my mom was arrested she’s been a “schizophrenic” but she wasn’t schizophrenic before she went to jail, although she did have some depression her episodes really kicked off after going to jail protesting WHINSEC. They tortured her in jail and they gave the women cancer treatments or something…
I don’t want to be complicit with a system of war and oppression. I guess I’ve committed these things to memory because they were not what I had been told my whole life. Not that I think it’s special knowledge or I get some thrill but I am legit trying to figure it out because there are missing elements and information that doesn’t quite fit the situation.