Yeah…
And more so its hard to not feel accepted by them either for your own issues…
Feminine gays are actually less appealing to gays so…
I’m at odds with myself for it.
But I also hide crushes from family or any interactions that make me feel exposed. I spend a lot of energy just ‘hiding’ and even frantically deleting browser history or keeping searches or chats about it completely out of sight and mind.
Only times I feel best are when everyone is out for the day… But its such a short time I get to feel a little bit freer.
I also experience envy for other family members because their own experiences/feelings are considered normal.
This is also why I didn’t feel like I could make progress in counseling… It’s just a very uncomfortable subject and it makes me feel so out of place.
I don’t know how to just outright tell them that I need a space to myself to actually heal. I feel like that’s what I need to do though.
Like I just assumed people would assume based on what I’ve told them they would get me into housing and help me out from there. It’s just not possible to heal with an abrasive environment and having to hold in so much tension every day.
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