Second Poem please give feedback. Positive and negative

Creativity
1 
                              As I lay

As I lay trying to fall asleep,
I anticipate that beep,
That beep of the alarm
that beep that signals the beginning of another long day

That beep that signals another day to try to swim
to try to stay afloat
because I fell from the boat
the boat of the crowds of people
the people who are ignorant
who don’t have to desperately cling to hope

I lay as I try to comprehend the fact that I have lost my chance
My chance to be slightly normal
To be like them
Like the others

As I lay trying to fall asleep,
I anticipate that beep,
That beep of the alarm
that beep that signals the beginning of another long day

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Quite good, I was taught to dive and come back to the surface, and so I dive and come up again only to dive again …

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good poem, methinketh.

you shouldn’t ask for negative feedback from…er… non-poets like us. I learned that hard way.

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Some people have it so easy and take being normal for granted. Funny how those few try to be us when we suffer daily being something they secretly want to be. Why? That is the question.

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I like it! It’s a good description of what it is like being different with a chronic illness.

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@mjseu I don’t think it’s the most effective way but it works as long as you keep coming up to the surface. So please do make sure you always come back up for air.

@sirBoring Maybe I should say constructive criticism instead because I do want advice about how I can make my poems better.

@JadeyJade I don’t have an answer for why. I would like to know too though. I know if I could be ‘normal’ I would be. I know some would strongly disagree but that’s my mindset at the moment.

@SnowTiger I’m glad that you like it.

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I don’t think the others are necessarily ignorant
Not in crisis of functioning to sz extent,
Necessarily
What about our families? Who care for us
What about Those with alcohol drugs or domestic abuse issues
Or the brain damaged from injury
Or born in a body or mind that doesn’t work
Or the children with abusive parents in more of an extreme than happens just to your average person
Or the stupid army kids

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Other than that I loved the rhym
And the images and feelings.

Good structure

I know what I said might be a negative but it’s the Only thing I thought could be improved those 2 lines
Loved it otherwise

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No what you said helped. It showed me that in the future I should be careful to not generalize and put or at least imply that everybody is like this or like that. Sorry if that’s worded badly I couldn’t think of another way to word it.

I’m glad that I got images and emotions worked into it.

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I just know this years down the line having met this vast selection of different difficulties
My sisters alcohol fuelled difficulties
The guy at the gardening voluntary thingy who came off his motorbike
Very disabled children I’ve been around at other volunteer work
Schiz Is extremely disabling
Yes more than most illnesses

But lack of functioning is not always having the worst possible time
I would never have believed what my sisters alcohol and abuse related lack of functioning
Probably also with psychosis but not sz
Her suffering depression and all of this is the worst I’ve seen anyone and that was unlikely sz

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Then again u see typing a woman who wrote a play about the illness of sz
All to inform people it’s a really big problem severely weirdly different from all other stAtes of mind, but there’s hope and love

I’m really not the one to give lectures on similarities and all that
Sorry for sounding so know it all
I think my online type attitude has gone all funny

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Sorry about the bull carp

I’m not that well lately
Maybe I should be more careful
All about me as usual is all

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I’m so sorry if it seemed like I was ignoring you! I’ve been busy with some things so I haven’t been able to reply. Don’t be sorry for sounding like a know it all you were just explaining stuff from your own experiences and such. As for not being well lately I hope feel more well soon.

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Thanks and no probs
It’s not a problem x
Ego mad sometimes

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Ah I see
151515

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I like the poem but these two lines sort of jarred me. I get what you’re trying to say, but I think everyone has their own problems and is clinging to hope in some way.

It might have been better if you had said you used to think you could be ignorant and didn’t need to cling to hope because you fell from the boat of people you thought were the same as you.

What was the outcome of your hospital stay btw? Any diagnosis?

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I will keep that in mind and at least you understood what I was trying to say even if it didn’t quite come out right.

At the moment I have major depressive disorder, single episode, moderate. Unspecified anxiety disorder. Unspecified psychotic disorder, and emerging borderline personality traits. That’s what it is right now but it could very easily change.

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Oh it could change easily. Sorry you’ve been dealt a rough hand. Now is the time for you to set your recovery wheels in motion though! Great opportunity to seize.

Be positive, eat healthy, exercise, get out of the house as much as possible, go to school, really apply yourself at school and think about what you want to do in the future because you can build a good life for yourself. I believe in you.

Focus on the good things. Keep a journal and as much negative stuff as you might write in there, balance it out with some positive things like seeing a nice sunrise even though you had insomnia. Every cloud has a silver lining if you look for it.

I don’t think you’re the type of person to do it, but don’t wallow. Things could be worse. Everything you’ve been diagnosed with is treatable in humane and legal ways. And you have the means for treatment.

Keep your chin up @ChildOfFate things are going to get better for you!

Edit: I’ll share a bit of my story with you. I have schizophrenia. Contrary to popular belief, it’s not the worst thing in the world. I have a good life, I like my life. I work (albeit only three days a week, but I’m considering adding another day per fortnight in a month), I’m getting married to a wonderful partner in 14 weeks, in America (I live in Australia).

I take my meds everyday and see my psychiatrist fortnightly. I try to walk everyday either on the treadmill or two km’s to work from the tram. I live in a nice rented house, interstate from my parents and family. I have good friends at work and I get along with everyone really well in my team at work.

I have “hallucinations” and pretty pervasive “delusions” but I live with them and manage them. I keep a journal and take it to my appointments.

I say it’s not the worst thing in the world because I saw my step grandmother die from motor nurone disease and I honestly think that’s the worst thing in the world. There’s treatment for mental illnesses and, unless through suicide, they aren’t terminal.

Any time you want to chat, feel free to pm me.

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@anon84763962 I’ve been working on being positive and eating healthy. Well eating in general it’s hard with delusions. Getting out of the house might be hard because I don’t think my parents trust me enough to let me outside but I might be able to have a friend come over.

I am keeping a journal but I haven’t thought about writing down the positive things. I’ll have to try that I think it could actually be helpful because then it can help teach your brain to think positive.

I’m glad that you are able to work I think I will be able to with a little bit of work. I am usually able to function in school so I think I will be okay with work.

Congratulations on getting married I wish you a long and happy marriage. On the other side i am sorry that your step grandmother died although on the positive side she isn’t suffering at the moment so that’s definitely a good thing.

As for being able to message you, thank you! That means a lot to me and the same goes for you. I might not have advice for you but I will always be there as a comforter.

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