Never comfortable. Never relaxed. Not in tune with the world around me. Fractured mind. Broken filter. Invasive thoughts. Hateful, cruel voices that mock, accuse and threaten. Hands that grab my ankles, in my bed at night. Hands that stab me with knives. Rats and spiders run along my legs. Reality blurred. Constant boredom because nothing interests me. Medications that block my creativity and make me feel like a zombie.
I get up very early in the morning because I go to bed very early in the evening. I go on the internet to seek out other similarly-affected individuals. But, no two experiences of schizophrenia are the same.
I drink seemingly gallons of coffee to overcome the sedation of the medication in the vain hope that my mind will be sharp and focused.
At night I dream of flying. The world looks so much better from the sky. Even though I have vertigo, it doesn’t bother me. It’s only a dream of flying away. Uprooted from the ground, finally. The I awake into something approaching reality. And gravity holds me down. I long for sleep again.
Hold on there, you’d be fine one day. Just take your medicines regularly. Figure out what interests you and then go for it. Try as many hobbies as you can. There are plenty. This might help you in keeping away from the voices and delusions.
I feel the same way while in the middle of psychosis. The hope is that when you have a few days or weeks of being lucid that you take advantage of those times to live your life as fully as possible before the next onset. Don’t be afraid to engage the world when you are feeling better because it just may be the only thing that gets you through the next episode.
The drug Haldol killed my creativity too. I could not write at all on it. Now I’m on Geodon and Seroquel, and my writing is fine. Maybe you could find med’s that aren’t so debilitating.
I’m not sure if it’s the medication or just my illness but, I’m definitely willing try another medication. The Abilify I take may or may not be the culprit. Although, it apparently works wonders for other people, so the creative block may just be part of the illness.
I don’t mean to sound like a jerk, but half of the battle is just accepting it and carrying on in life despite what our brains do to us. The other half is the psychiatrists problem, they need to treat our disease. Sounds like your meds are not working very well. Now is the time to complain about that to your doctor.
No, you definitely don’t sound like a jerk. I do need to accept it and carry on. Sometimes though, I need to vent my frustration with other people who will understand. I get weary from the battle sometimes.
I agree, I really need to talk to my doctor and explain that the meds aren’t helping much at the moment. Life has been stressful lately, so that is obviously a factor.
Your in the right place man, sounds like you’ve got it bad. Hope you can find some peace in knowing your not alone.
How long have you been sick? The first couple years were pretty rough to me, but eventually you just kind of adjust to what happens to you, learn to not be afraid or freaked out by it. From their you have every opportunity to work on improving your self and your life.
Sorry you’ve got sz, good thing your already getting medical help. Does sound like you could use a switch up.
Yes, it’s good that there are others with whom I can share the experience and who will understand. Some may not understand and I will try to enlighten those who don’t.
I’ve been coping with depression for about 30 years and schizophrenia for 15 years. The first couple of years pretty rough for me too. I’m glad you’ve been able to adjust and learned not to be afraid or freaked out by it.
I still get freaked out by it. But, I’ve been told that I have insight into this illness. So, I know it’s an illness and not a bunch of devious little demons who take great delight in messing up my perception of the world.
What is more difficult to accept is the negative symptoms, such as anhedonia. But, maybe a medication change could help those too.
I’m definitely in a better place, mentally, since joining this forum and reading all your replies.