I still feel the loss of my dog, Toby, at times and it has brought me some relief through grieving.
However, I wanted to talk about how distressing it was knowing he was going to die. Everyone assumed that I was okay about it, but actually it was extremely difficult to manage what I was feeling at all.
He had a heart valve issue that eventually cause fluid to build up in his lungs.
When we found out, I frantically searched the internet for any possible solution; there was none. Now, I know that death is inevitable. but that did not make it any easier. I thought maybe some spiritual beliefs or something would help me feel better about it. I thought maybe if I could just be a little more positive, it won’t happen - or something…
It was extremely uncomfortable and honestly I didn’t want to talk about it. Worst of all is that there was that intense doubt as to decide whether putting him down would be a mercy or not. I didn’t want to talk about this either, but internally I felt that it was best just to try to comfort him and make him happy.
Everyday he seemed happy that I took him outside to bathe in the sun despite his declining ability to go up and down the stairs. Because of that, I felt that it was really the best decision for him/us.
However, it was still extremely painful to wake up and hear people crying over his dead body one morning. Even though I knew it would come, I just winced in pain because I sincerely did not want it to happen… No spiritual belief about it helped and probably even made me more resistant to grieving.
My brother assumed that I did not care because I didn’t seem to have any reaction/response. It was just that my reaction was actually far bigger than I could handle. If I could describe how I felt about it? I just imagine someone picking up a child flailing their arms and kicking things hoping to break things while an adult is trying to restrain them. But I seemed to show no emotion…
It was years ago, but I still occasionally have moments of needing to release emotion about it. I genuinely do not like loss of any sort and have become quite walled off and shut down.
But really, this whole thing was not easy at all. And now I’m stuck in a kind of overthinking/negotiating/resistant state of mind. Like, someone explain this ■■■■ to me because it feels so unfair. And watching him dying in the last days made me sick to see. He was having fits of seeming to just bark at the air at times while he was hiding away under a bed in the corner some days. I felt so powerless and unsure of what to do at times. Only it made feel a little better when he rested his head in my lap when he wanted comfort.
But yeah… it was not easy. I just wanted to get this out of my head.