Recovery - Long Read / Graphic details

Funny old word isn’t it. Recovery. To recover. To mend or fix. Recovery. A word I’ve never felt closer to and yet further from.

Where to start but the beginning. Within my cognitive behavioural therapy I recently discovered that what I believed to be the source of my illness, was in fact a correct theorem. Having to openly discuss [aloud, in general, to myself] this topic for the first time in sixteen years, I [hopefully understandably] struggled more than I thought one could. To cure you need to kill the disease though, right? So I tried to talk openly and in detail about the event that ultimately lead me here. Here in life, here on this forum, here in general. In doing so I opened that event up to those who inhabit the dark corners of my mind, and typically [as they do with negativity] they armed themselves with it fully and engaged in war.

This particular war became one I conceded. After four days of no sleep, little food, and constant haunting hallucinations, I attempted to take my own life. I remember the build up, the fear and sadness of everything, and I remember waking up and feeling like I’d been brought back to life. I had, little to my knowledge. I’m told I wasn’t breathing for around four minutes, what must have felt like an eternity to those attending to me. Firstly life does not flash before your eyes, there are no pearly gates and certainly no flames. Just quiet. Peace. Slipping. Comfort even, perhaps. Belonging,

In any event, something small in me didn’t give up even if the bigger part of me did. I don’t believe in god, I don’t believe in anything but science. For some reason something in me didn’t give up and I’m ever so thankful that it didn’t. Even in my darkest hour it seems some small part of me was strong enough to cling to life like it was it’s very own illness. I’m dropping anti-psychotic medication and weaning myself off, week three of that now and though my symptoms are worse, the side effects are gone. No shakes, no headaches, no vomiting, a little more sleep. I feel positive, I have the will to survive and fight, despite feeling so defeated that it took something so dark to bring it out of me again, I feel alive. I don’t feel as if I just exist anymore.

I only speak to a handful of you, but I imagine we’ve all been in similar moods or spirals and figured I needed to share, if it’s in the wrong category or deemed too negative then please advise me and I’ll have the topic removed. Today is the first day I feel like I could recover. Thank you for any contribution to my day any of you have made, every second does count and every conversation proves we’re not alone.

Love x


I’m not sure what to say in response, but I get the feeling you just wanted to know someone read it. I’m glad they brought you back to life. I hope you continue to recover. Making the conscious choice to keep fighting is half the battle already. Good luck.


You’ve been through so much, you’re a fighter and a winner, I’m sure you’ll pull through whatever comes your way. With that said, I really do hope you can cope being med free. Some in here do, like @SoitGoes, @darksith, @anon31257746 and @Kenforce are the ones that come to mind, and I think they’re doing fine, some bumps here and there but you guys are strong and can do it.

I remember the day after my suicide attempt, I never felt so alive. The whole psychotic ordeal I was fighting to be alive, fighting for my life everyday, in a very crazy way and with no results whatsoever but only to keep myself alive.

You’re definetely not alone in this battle.



I’m glad your doing better and it sounds like you have a plan for getting back to level.

I still felt numb and confused when I woke up in hospital after my attempt… it took a while to get to the acceptance that I was meant to stay on this earth.

When I woke up… I was so confused and in shock about even being alive. But it was a turning point.

@HarveySpecter hope things go well for you… good luck… :v:

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Dude that was well written and touched on a few things I experienced that I haven’t been able to put as eloquently as you just did there… very cool :+1:

I don’t take meds… it’s a different strategy… basically constantly approaching the neurotic mess of sz from the cbt approach like it’s a full time job. Have to do what you can to keep stress levels low.

Find all the terminology regarding your symptoms so you can accurately discuss it… pick it apart… find the various things that have worked for other people and the time-frame they experienced for x or y… the general prognosis for each symptom… you’ll find a lot of them do subside with time…

Give up substances… they only muddy up the experience when you become dependent… if you can manage to have a coffee or a beer (or even get drunk) every once in a while without it being and issue… then go for it… live it up for a few hours… I can moderate my alcohol… caffeine and nicotine become constant wants if I let myself start using them.

hmmm… stay in touch man… hang in there… and if you’re interested @kuro might be looking for man over there in the UK… you both seem sensible…

Take care man.


i am glad you are still here… :hamster: hugs.
good on you for being strong :trophy: and gaining insight into your illness :heart:
cbt has helped me heaps…though it is for me confronting.
no meds is a different road…not for everyone.
but personally it works for me…
having someone you can trust a carer/support person is imperative for stability.
know someone cares :heart:
take care :alien:

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Glad to hear your still here.

For me learning as much as I could about myself and deconstructing all my beliefs and thought patterns helped a lot.
For myself taking a conservative approach to supernatural or conspiracy/unproven ideas and leaving them aside also helped eliminate various symptoms.
Some days are a major struggle but I do have good days as well on the no med route.

Stay strong and take things one day at a time


Thank you all for taking the time to read and respond. It’s been a touch few weeks that’s for sure but I’m positive that the worst is behind me now. I’m still only very early into my illness [just about a year and half] so there are bound to be learning curves and mishaps along the way. Just gotta keep fighting.