I spend 8 months locked up in a psychiatric hospital in 1981 when I was 20. Psychotic, confused, scared, tortured by my own mind turning against me all day. Shuffling down the halls listening to my fellow patients screaming, ranting, and arguing. Occasionally someone would lose control and attack someone or break stuff. I was a loner. My only escape was sleeping during the day or pacing. I literally ate every meal by myself at the rear table in the back of the cafeteria. I think maybe once, someone felt sorry for me and sat next to me at dinner. Eight long months.
Well, I’m 55 now. Today I woke up and kind of relaxed before I got out of bed with a clear mind which is not unusual for me. It was peaceful and warm in my room. I kind of mused over my life thinking a few thoughts about high school and some people I knew over the years and planning my day. I’m driving my 2012 Volkswagen to run a few errands. I stepped outside for some fresh air and causally talked to my neighbors.
I leisurely drank a cold root beer and enjoyed the warm day here in California. I get Monday off of my janitor job which I’ve had for 5 years. I just finished my online college class a couple of weeks ago and I already registered and payed for my next class which starts in a couple of weeks. I’m looking back at being employed for most of the lasdt 30-odd years. My jobs have not been high status jobs, except maybe my Park Ranger job I was at for two years in my forties. But I’m-proud that I unloaded trucks for four years at Sears. I was in my mid-thirties but I outworked most of my fellow employees who were mostly teenagers or in their early twenties. The salespeople liked me and emptying a 52 foot truck trailers full of refrigerators washers and drivers, stoves and ovens and heavy Craftsmen tool boxes is not easy but I excelled at my work and took pride in my work.
I lived independently from 1995 to just a year ago when my mom died, my back was causing my excruciating pain at every step, my landlord asked me to leave because we weren’t compatible, (she was a bitch. My sister actually worked with her and she agreed. Also she tried to cheat me out of my $500 deposit I put down when I moved in until we threatened to taker her to court). I had to take two months of from work to heal my back, I had to quit school, and I couldn’t drive my car and I ended up having to spend two days in the psyche ward after being out of the hospital for 25 years. All this happened in the space of two weeks. Well, I am now living in a Board & Care home.
But I have been back at my janitor job for a year now. I am still almost fully independent, they serve meals and we have to keep our rooms clean but I can come and go as I please without telling anybody, I still take care of my own finances for the most part, I do the upkeep on my car, I deal with the Social Security Administration, and the Medicare Office when It needs to be done on my own I deal with figuring out my benefits package from my job, etc. I am basically still living a full life in lots of ways. I am friendly with my neighbors but I have no close friends but that is OK for now.
I think you get my point. I had every reason to give up when I first got sick. My symptoms were severe, and I had nothing going for me. I saw no future back then and I often thought about suicide
But what if I had given up and thrown in tbe towel? Well I would have missed out on:
Flying across the country from coast to coast a few times with my dad for vacation a few times in the nineties.
Going to a slew of great of great outdoor concerts like Aerosmith, (yeah, I’m old school, lol), U2, Pink Floyd, R.E.M., Bruce Springsteen, and a few others.
Dating a little,
Going camping, water skiing for the first time, air shows, the beach.
Too many restaurants to count, movies.
Mingling with my sisters friends,
Having my own good friends.
Getting a job in construction framing houses,
Living by myself in like-new studio apartment with my cat.
Etc.
You can’t predict the future. Does it sound like I would have done all these great things if you looked at me when I was twenty? I just do the basic things to help me in my recovery. I take my medication religiously, I see a therapist regularly, I keep myself open to suggestions and get as much help and support as i can but I am still doing my life by myself but it never hurts to have help. So think about what I wrote. I’ve been bleak and hopeless before. But I just put one foot in front of the other and do the best I can. I still have my bad horrible days. But I still have great, calm, productive days too. There is hope. There are steps to take and things to do to help yourself. Life is not easy for anyone. But you have a fighting chance to make a good acceptable life for yourself. Good luck and Merry Christmas.
