When I suffered there was nothing glamorous or noble about it. I had no tricks to make it any easier. I saw no light at the end of the tunnel. I did not understand it.
I just lived it. I endured. My spirit outlasted the suffering.
What did I learn from it? About the only thing I learned was that I did not EVER want to go through it again. I agree with some famous actor that said that suffering is useless. It is not necessary or useful.
When I talk about what saved me it was probably my family and especially my dad. He saved me from giving up or committing suicide by the sheer force of his will. He never gave up on me. When I was at my sickest he would visit me a lot at the group home. We would talk for hours about everything under the sun.He told me stuff about his life and his hard times. He lost his real mother at age 5 and had a few step-mothers. A few beat him or verbally abused him. He grew up poor during the Great Depression in the thirties. He joined the Navy when he got out of high school and saw some action in Korea. He was an alcoholic who dd some horrible things to himself; stuff I can’t say here out of respect to his memory. But we would talk for hours about what I was going through, the delusions and weird perceptions. He told me a lot about life.
I do not suffer anymore. I go through hard things and hard situations with the paranoia and all. But I am 90% better compared to when I first got sick. It’s so different now that it is like I lived two separate lives : first when I was psychotic. And then NOW. But to all who are suffering NOW I don’t want to make anyone feel hopeless. My advice is of course take your medication. Use your family to help you. If you can find someone you can trust to talk about exactly what you’re going through than that is great. I said I had no tricks but looking back it might help you and make it somehow easier if I tell how I made it. Medication. Cooperating in my own treatment i.e. taking advice and suggestions. Not fighting the people who are trying to help you. Keep an open mind. Know that other people much worse than you have made it through. It seems hopeless but it’s not. I was at the brink at one time, at the very edge of seriously going insane. But I have measurably recovered and I feel like I will continue to improve. I’m looking forward to school in Fall and I went to my depression group last week. My family is trying to help me and I accept that. You guys are lucky to have this forum. I went through the worst of my problems before the internet was invented but when I was at my worst I think these forums would have helped me. Don’t give up. Plenty have been through this illness before you and survived.And many like me have done more than survived and have a life. Good luck.
