This might sound odd but recently within the past few months i have gotten my medication to work wonders. No anxiety, nothing… But now that i feel “normal”, i almost get anxious that i dont see things or i feel in my body and mind again. Anyone else have this? Howd you cope?
Hi Krdub. My medication took away my bear and the shadow man and I miss them both and get anxious about not having them. It makes me want to stop taking medicine to see if they come back but I won’t do that because I made promises to Mum and my partner that I would stay on it. Sometimes the shadow man still plays music on the radio for me but it isn’t quite the same.
I think I can relate to what you’re feeling. My symptoms were sorta ‘fun’ in a way. It felt good to think that I was a ‘special person’ and a bunch of people knew me and took interest in my life (grandiose ideations.) It was a bit exciting to think that people could read my mind, it meant that I was unique. I often thought that when I was home alone people were watching me, and they were friendly as they watched. That was a boost to the ego.
To live without those nice feelings can be difficult. In fact, sometimes it can trigger me back into delusional thinking. But there’s no question: living without any symptoms, without any anxiety, without any confusion or delusion is MUCH better. Regardless of how ‘nice’ or ‘exciting’ my symptoms might have felt - they were awful. False. Imprisoning. And life is 175% better without any symptoms.
Well, even if i got rid of the voices and negative symptoms of schizophrenia, then i would still have the memory of what has happened to me during psychosis and therefore would not be “normal” in any way, because i learned quite a few things about the world during that time, which most people dont know. Like the question whether one has free will or whether everything goes in accordance with destiny. Whether god exists or not. What happens after one dies. etc. Because i was granted knowledge on these questions i cant live a normal life anymore.
Memories of being psychotic make me shy of trying to go off meds. I had orders to fail and still feel their presence in a somewhat subdued and more understood manner.
I can describe my hallucinations and delusions with two words: Unrelenting terror. Don’t miss them. Don’t want them back. EVER.
In AA they deal with this problem. It’s hard to get better sometimes because we like or miss our misery because it is familiar to us. It’s almost like we are more comfortable in our misery because getting better is new and unknown.
When I was younger and in hospital… the docs gave me meds… gave me ECT and all of a sudden my almost life long voices were gone…
In a matter of days my head was silent… I wasn’t prepared for a silent head… I wasn’t prepared for “normal”
It really messed me up… put me in a panic…
I did everything I could to get the brain I knew back
It took a while, but I had to get better little by little and with therapy I’ve been able to learn how to cope and when my meds got upped and the voices were mostly gone… this time… I was ready.
It was a gradual thing. I guess what does help me cope with a quiet head is keeping busy… keeping my mind on anything other then the emptiness. Good luck and I hope you feel better soon