Ive been exploring and researching what it means to have identity issues, because i definitely struggle with that. I found out there are two distinctions in psychology about this, the narrative self and the core self. The narrative self is faulty more in personality disorders whereas the core self is impaired in psychotic and disociative disorders. I struggle with both. For example, with the narrative self i cant seem to figure out what i want to “be”, i have a lot of interests and will get pulled in one direction or another, seemingly random but at times triggered by an event or meeting someone. I have also struggled to form a solid idea of my gender identity. I spent most of my 20s flip flopping between male and female, but this year, im turning 30 and i felt like it kind of clicked that i am both. I have felt very at peace with it since. As the core self, i read a lot of more academic papers about it and couldnt fully grasp the concept but i could relate a few things to what i experience. Theres an inherent “me-ness” thats tacit in healthy individuals, and ive periodically struggled with this. For example, being whats called hyperreflexive, consciously thinking about processes that most peope take for granted, such as sitting and talking with a friend i will sometimes think that i am talking with a friend, or obsessively thinking about looking at objects in reality and thinking what it means for that object to be itself, since it seems so unreal. I have to think more about how it affects me but i dont think it usually does.
I’ve been going through my own identity crisis as my identity revolved around my ex-work (a designer), and being a creative / artist. I have no job - and no interest in doing things I loved and struggling as I feel my identity has been wiped out. Who am I if I’m not a designer / artist. I been feeling lost. But recently through therapy and this site has given me insight on this struggle to find who I am now. I am getting a glimpse. Because I am more than just a gay man with schizophrenia.
I hope you find peace in understanding who you are. It’s important. And I am glad you are giving up on the binary and maybe embracing just you. You don’t have to be a he or a she. You can be both. You can be in the middle and you should express yourself as a mix gendered person, and that means sometimes you can still lean towards male or female too. It’s okay.
yes I have struggled with identity as well. I had social anxiety, SZA and some dissociation problems throughout my 20’s. at times my anchor would be totally up and I had no idea who i was and couldn’t form or maintain relationships. It was like a sense of un self. preferred to be alone. i had always been comfortable about being alone but until my early 20’s i wasn’t alone for very long periods of time. lost a good friend due to my period of un self at 23 and then went through an emotional storm at 24 that resulted in three r four relationships in two years. Now I am alone again as I never developed relationships where i live now. always reclusive. i found it easy to make friends with people in mental health programs and not at all otherwise. now my age crept up on me and i still feel 30 or 32. i love being alone and find that it’s difficult to maintain and project who i am but have found through living with family that it’s good to have a basis in kindness (that’s just me) and family. just be a (my last name here) kindness is the most important. it keeps me who i am.
Thank you. I definitely understand those feelings. It must be harder the longer you identify with something though. After i graduated college, i had a similar reaction, because if im.not a student who am i. But there are multitudes to who we are, and no one thing defines us. Im learning that myself.
I can’t figure this out either. I’ve had different ideas about this before but none of them worked out. The good news is we still have time to figure it out. From your pictures you look young so maybe there’s no rush to figure out who you want to be.
I can definitely relate to the gender issues. I’ve always been a woman with boy interests and skills. Or so I was taught. It was all divided while I was growing up. So I was really confused on why I was so boyish. When I found out there was a name for liking boys and girls, that was awesome.
I went through phases of no makeup,then makeup, back to none. Always doing boy stuff, heck I was a farm hand for 4 years.
I finally settled in my skin and decided I am just me. I identify as she/her and even they is fine. Because I can enjoy any interest,skill, whatever.
Just be yourself. Enjoy whateveryou enjoy. Wear what you want. Style your hair however. Have it all.
I think my biggest struggles with gender is i couldnt decide if i wanted a more masculine or feminine body, i would choose masculine and go on hormones, only to have this nagging voice in my head saying i wanted to look like a girl again, even though the masculine form and all that comes with it made me happy too. I couldnt decide what i wanted to be perceived as either, so its been hard for me to just say to myself that it literally doesnt matter how others perceive me because i am valid in my trans identity regardless. This year i let go of the importance of how others perceive me, and it was incredibly freeeing. Ive had people tell me revently that i am the epitome of androgyny and i know i confuse people and i really like that now lol. Most people think i was born male at this point, im ok with that too. And i dropped the hormones because they are bad for your heart, and im enjoying my curves lately, but trying to lose weight so i can be more masculine when i need to be.
I think i would have accepted my gender identity long ago if i didnt have a psychiatrist ask me if i had multiple personalities because of it, which i dont really blame him but it drove me up an anxiety wall, i dont want others to see me that way, and i know im not that way
Do you feel being non-binary feels right? I think you can be masculine without hormones. I think you should feel no guilt being happy as a male and wanting to outwardly express yourself as male and when you want to be more feminine/female be able to be just that.
And it doesn’t really matter what pronouns people use when they see you if you are not trans.
I don’t know if pronouns are important to your identity.
In sum, do you believe you are non-binary and not trans?
So, i now identify as bigender, which is a nonbinary identity. Some nonbinary people dont view themselves as trans, but some do, it can be catagorized as a trans identity since transgender is an umbrella term. My pronouns are important to me, but i dont really care what people call me anymore. Most people call me “they” by default and ill correct them if im going to interact with them frequently but i dont get upset if im misgendered anymore.
I have given up thinking about identity (and yes, identity is mostly a social and narrative construct), but I have lots of self disturbances. I can’t relate to my own voice, it’s like a strange sound floating around 20 centimeters from my mouth. I have severe dissociation, and in general live a planless life without goals or meaning.
Right now I’m just trying to live without reflecting too much about it, because for me reflection seemed to get me nowhere.
I do struggle with who am I outside of this “I am illness”. I don’t want Schizophrenia to be the core of my identity and I don’t want to feel like I am just that and nothing else.
@bluebutterfly the reason I personally struggle with this is prior to and during onset of Schizophrenia I had a clear cut identity of who I am and my interests. It made me able to interact with the world and society as now I am lost and isolate.
@Kxev - it must be hard once to have a stable identity and then loose it. I understand your concern. I can partly relate.
There have been periods of my life, especially as a kid, when i had a solid sense of self, but most of my adult life, i have been dealing with self disturbances, so now i can’t remember how it was to have a solid place in the world, and now i have given up bothering.
Been researching more and i definitely can hardcore relate to the loss of core self. Examples given are focusing too much on a word while reading and losing the meaning of the sentence, hyperfocusing on why this or that word means this or that, and not being able to do things without thinking of the steps to get there or how your body moves. I think schizophrenia is a result of thinking way too damn much
