My fiancé and I just checked me out of the hospital. This is the first time in my life I’ve ever had to spend any amount of time there for anything psychological. I just went crazy. It started about a week ago. I did something horrible and it ripped open some six year old wounds that were finally just now starting to close. I’ve been rock bottom this whole week. Last night it got to me so bad that I went out on our balcony, drank an entire 6 pack of hard lemonade, smoked a whole blunt, and I just cried for hours. I didn’t even call my fiancé, he came home from a friend’s house and I was a mess when he got back. I told him what I did and I told him as much of what I could about why I was so depressed as possible without destroying our relationship. He took me to the hospital and I don’t really even remember what they did to me. I just remember being asked a lot of questions that my fiancé had to answer as best he could because all o could do was stare at the wall and cry. I was just so numb at this point. I stayed overnight and they wanted to keep me longer but my fiancé just wanted to take me home. So we’re home now. He called out of work for a personal day and he won’t let me out of his sight. I don’t blame him. Now I feel even worse about what I did last night. I made an urgent appointment with my therapist for later today and I wish I could just go talk to her now. But I gotta wait. I can’t even eat anything. I have no appetite. I drank half a cup of coffee but even that tasted like depression and self loathing so I didn’t even finish it. I don’t know what I’m hoping you guys will have to say to me that will make me feel better, but you’ve never let me down before. Then again I’ve never been in a place as bad as this before
the most likely time
I ever felt so dark and suicidal
was right after checking out of the hospital
if you have to go back, please do
If I have to back, I definitely will. My fiancé told me to tell him immediately if I start to feel like doing what I did last night again
I’m so sorry you’re having such a rough time. It makes sense, from a physiological perspective. You’ve been using weed to manage your symptoms for years, and lately you’ve had to give it up. On top of that, your hormones are all over, you had to leave a job you loved, and you are very uncertain about what the future will hold. I think any of us would have just as hard of a time in your shoes. You are not a failure. Obviously, drinking and smoking aren’t good to do while pregnant, but there is no point in hating yourself for something you can’t change. Just try to strategize on how to be more successful in the future.
It might be time to start considering some kind of medication. Just temporarily, until you can go back to your usual method of coping. I believe lithium is safe to take while pregnant, but don’t quote me on that. Your doctor will know more.
If you’re still wanting to go without meds, CBT and neurofeedback are really helpful nonmedical options. Neurofeedback is expensive, but a lot of places work on a sliding scale, or give out scholarships for treatment. CBT is usually covered by insurance. You need more supports in place than you currently have. I know you think you’re superwoman, but everyone has their limits, and there is no shame in acknowledging yours.
I hope that you start feeling better @PrincessKenny
Don’t hesitate to go back to the Hospital if necessary
Please take care of yourself and your baby
Thank you so much, that was very helpful to me. I’m going to schedule an appointment to ask my doctor about those things. I’m starting to wonder if I’m gonna be able to take care of this kid the way it deserves. Even the thing I did that set off this psychotic meltdown was irresponsible. And the kid had to come along while I did something that he and his father would hate me if they knew about it. All this started because of a terrible life choice I made. That’s part of it. I never feel guilty about anything, but this is completely my fault. And I can’t fix it, I can just cover it up hopefully
Thank you, if I need to go back I definitely will. I liked it there. It felt like the rest of the world couldn’t get to me. Like suddenly all my problems were gone because nothing existed outside the walls. I may go back just to get away from everything
That’s how I felt in a lot of ways when I went to the ER
Do whatever you need to do in order to feel better
Unfortunately I think the only thing that would permanently make me feel better is if my ex got hit by a truck. He’s never gonna stop ■■■■■■■ my life up
Is there someone trustworthy that you can talk to?
Do you have a therapist?
Yeah I’m seeing my therapist tonight
There are lots of parents on here. And they have good days and bad days. On the bad days, most of them have someone else in their life to pick up the slack. You have your fiancé. And some parents do it alone, too. As long as you love your kid, and as long as you keep trying, you’ll be a much better parent than most people here had.
I can’t advise trying to cover something up. I know it eats me up inside if I try to hide my mistakes. I eventually have to confess, just so I can feel like a human being again. But that’s tied to my specific delusions. You know your situation best. Your fiancé might be more understanding than you give him credit for, though. He knows what a hard time you have been having. He might not hold your mistakes against you too harshly.
I used to be emotionally unstable like that, it’s really hard to find a way to learn to get along with yourself. 
I know he wouldn’t forgive me for this
Yeah I really hate myself for this
When I was in hospital they wanted to believe me
How could they? I heard this song after getting out.
It nearly killed me.
Sweetheart, it’s in the past. You’ve learned your lesson. Only thing to do is do better in the future.
I know it feels like a particularly awful, unforgivable mistake, but it’s not. You’re young and you were going through a rough time and you made a decision you regret. Don’t keep the mistake alive by dwelling on it like this.
If it’s not going to happen again, and you’ve made it clear that you don’t want it to, I suggest you just let it go. Don’t give it the space it has in your relationship. And absolutely don’t let it persuade you into doing things like last night, that only serve to hurt and scare yourself and your fiancé. Let the damage be contained. Leave it in the past.
The thread title.
I’m quite sure everyone here has had to go to the hospital at least once…
that’s where most of us got our diagnosis.
PrincessKenny joining the ranks now it’s really QueenKenny? C’mon everyone should be promoted after a milestone. 
There are people that did pretty bad things while psychotic. For example I remember hearing that sooner tried to kill someone. I drank a bunch of draino and tried to kill myself. Bad things but it is best not to dwell on them. Just do your best to move forward and try not to make the same mistake again. It is one of the reasons why I take medication because I don’t want to do those things again. You seem to do okay without it. Maybe counseling would be okay though. You have to learn to forgive yourself.