I suffer from mental illness. So my reality is distorted. I live in reality… So my life is silly thing with schizophrenia m
a chinese joke i found
A little kid asked his father: “Dad, how much does it cost to get married?”
The father said: “Son, I don’t know. I’m still paying!”
Just the other day my wife and I were waiting with about a dozen other people at the Hospital for blood work to be done. Beside me was a little old Italian woman knitting a small sock.
After over an hour of waiting, I turned to my wife and said…
“That woman is going to knit a bedspread by the time we get out of here.”
Everybody around me burst out laughing! 
Sadly, my Grandfather died last month. He was a crossword puzzle designer.
They buried him 6 down and 3 across.
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i can read minds, pick a number between one and three, is your number two?
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I showed my brother a picture of me in a swimsuit. I had gained some weight because of the meds.
Me: “The camera adds a few pounds”
Brother: “How many cameras were on you?”
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Q: What’s forty feet long and has 14 teeth?
A: The front row of a Donald Trump pep rally.
(Okay. I just made that one up. It’ll probably be all over Facebook by tomorrow, though) 
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i went to the pet store and a bird said “to serve bird! it’s a cookbook!”
Why is 6 afraid of 7?.
Because 7 are 9!.
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Supposed to be ate.
I am so embarrassed. 
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But Judge my client was just making pasta and the Constitution guarantees him the right to freedom of the garlic press.
Ewww, you said “number two”.
I don’t think you were reading minds, I think you were reading something south of there.
darn, I thought there were only two ways to go to the bathroom, what have the new yorkers done now? there were only two last time i checked, my latest copy of us weekly must have gotten lost in the mail.
a man shopping get the following items as follows :
1 blind fold
2 rolls duct tape
1 box industrial strength garbage bags.
Then he goes to check out and in his mind is the Expression on the cashier face gave after ringing up his order was priceless.
Blonde joke. A blonde said I got a complement on my driving today. I got a note on my windshield that said parking fine.
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when your wife is going into labor why waste money on ambulance to the hospital when you can just as practically call an Uber or a Lyft for a ride to the midwife.
Broccoli: I look like a tree.
Walnut: I look like a brain.
Mushroom: I look like an umbrella.
Banana: Can we please change the topic?
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Mickey Mouse and Minnie Mouse were getting a divorce…Mickey Mouse’s lawyer stood up and said, “Mickey Mouse wishes to divorce MInnie Mouse on terms of insanity”…Mickey Mouse stood up (in his high voice) and said “I didn’t say she was crazy I said she was f*cking Goofy !!”
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Worst pickup line ever:
I heard you are looking for a stud. I’ve got the STD, and all I need is U.
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nothing brings people closer together than cigarettes, if you share a butt with someone you develop a real bond.