Sometimes I do doubt I am mentally ill, but then it all comes back to me and I have to admit and accept it.
Iāve reached a point where I immediately becomes suspicious if I am feeling too well mentally. Thatās often a sign that Iām drifting away from being stable.
10-96
Not mentally ill but brain damaged.
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Maybe you canāt read mindsā¦ if you think everyone is talking about you. Do these people even know you? Iām sure not everyone is thinking of you. Itās in your head no one can read minds.
I feel like I can read everyoneās mind. Sometimes I know these people, sometimes I donāt. I can even read minds over the telephone. Sometimes, I can sense what people are saying out loud about me too. Even when they are in another geographic location. I realize that I have schizophrenia, and all of this is just a symptom of my illness. I realize that intellectually. But, I canāt stop other peopleās thoughts from invading my brain. Knowing itās an illness will not stop the invasion. It used to be much, much worse when I was younger. As Iāve gotten older, and have found a better medication regimen, and a great pdoc, my symptoms have gradually improved over time.
When in remission from psychosis for a while, my psychotic symptoms sometimes seem so extreme that I wonder whether it was all real or not. That is to say, I donāt wonder whether my delusions were true, or whether I heard other people talk to me instead of hallucinating them, but I wonder whether I even really experienced hallucinations. Sometimes I feel like it was all a dream. That I was dreaming not to hear real voices, but even dreaming that I hallucinated. That indeed, I merely dreamt for a while to be mentally ill, that in real life, nothing special happened to me. Nothing to do with telepathy, but also not a mental illness. That the whole process of delusion and gaining insight into it and interpreting it as an illness was all dreamt, a thought experiment maybe, and that in fact I have been this normal healthy ordinary guy all along. Of course, the collection of medications and supplements Iām taking on a daily basis tells quite a different story.
I think this feeling comes from the wonder I have when taking a step back and looking at things in a broader timescale. How could I ever ended up in this whole circus? I once had everything going for me, no traumaās no family history of mental illness, I didnāt even know of anyone having ever visited a psychologist in my environment. A couple of years later, I find myself in this situation, how did all this happen? Of course it all happened, but I think the wonder of how I ever ended up in this rollercoaster when I reflect on my life makes for it to sometimes seem unreal.
This is truly the most puzzling truth I have is thereās times I know Iām just absolutely off my rocker nuts, then there is times Iām so well that I think I must not even have any of these things and should go off my meds, but then I have to remind myself of the times Iām not even though they seem such a distant memory that itās as if my mind warps it with a pleasant fondness that should almost be achieved? When I know itās not true and I have had episodes that arenāt desirable but itās a hard reality that comes and goes for me
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Interesting and good poll. So far only 6 votes for never 
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OH Wowā¦ I went through a very recent odd patch of this mental fight not to long agoā¦
When the negative flatness was sort of winningā¦ I was almost fondly remembering some of my more unstable timesā¦ without medsā¦ and thinking how great it feltā¦ (because I can feel things)
how creative I wasā¦ (I wasnāt)
how much I was getting doneā¦ (which was nothing)
The head circus has pulled some mean tricks on meā¦ romanticizing some of my most psychotic or drug addicted times is one of the meanest.
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I questioned it for a long time but these days I have no doubt. But being mentally ill isnāt the end of the world. I take my meds and they help me enjoy life. Most of the time during the day the thought of mental illness doesnāt even come into my head, I just live.
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No, I know it. Sometimes in the heat of things I forget and it takes a back burner. But it comes back all the time.
I think everyone goes through that stage. The problem is that this apparent āGodā never gives clear instructions, if any. All we get from the internal voices are nonsensical statements. I had one today : āMan of God, respondā. Respond to what? See what I mean?
The new age people have linked āmental problemsā with spiritual awakening, but it is nonsense really. The idea that the cosmic force is going to expend energy on you so you can paint pretty pictures is silly. The real clue that this is actually due to a malfunctioning brain is the fact that these experiences never last, that a few days later you might be in the depths of depression. On Saturday afternoon, I swore blind to my mother that I was some sort of conductor for divine energy, and that I had caused a hail shower. Today I realise what an utter prat I was. The problem for me is now keeping these episodes to myself or Iāll end up on a psych ward.
Best wishes,
Padster
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āI know Iām mentally ill. I wear all the signs: the Drā¦s, the nurses, the meds, the disability paymentās, the shotās, the appt.'s, etcā¦etc, These are all the signs. So, I must be mentally ill. After all, the whole world hates me. And why me? Why me, Lord? It just doesnāt make sense. Unless Iām mentally ill. And you console me, Lord. You speak with me personally every day as if I were the only one on your calling card. And again, why me, Lord? Why me? Unless, I were mentally ill? My emotions are waterfalls, tornadoes, hurricanes and balmy beaches. Why why, me, oh Lord, why, why, oh me?ā You say: āItās because youāre mentally ill my child, itās because youāre mentally illā.
I donāt question my anxiety disorder, I KNOW thatās a serious issue with me. I do often question my psychotic disorder, becauseā¦a bunch of different reasons.
But by societyās standards Iām mentally ill so it doesnāt much matter what my beliefs are.
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I have been pretty Ill in the past but I feel I am improving
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Iām pretty stable, but I have the thinking of a SZā¦even if I donāt have all the symptoms. I just keep them to myself. But itās weird cuz the doctors could identify me as SZ even though I do a good job at hiding the thinking.
I donāt identify myself as psych as I had long career before the mental malpractice got me after treating for insomnia, found PTSD and care was so bad I had a nervous after attacked by hospital staff when I was calm and cooperative. I also choose to act normal so OH WELL. Local employment situations are filled with lots of sexual harassers, hostile work environments, suit worthy-bad management and TERRIBLY low pay so it is a relief not to have to deal with it any longer. Iām unable to leave my current location for a while, moves have not worked out good trying to live alone so many time, Iām just going broke. My income is too marginal to really make living alone work for nowā¦So, I do a little work when I can find something, study and entertain myself for nowā¦People are really hate monger where I live so Iāve been run out of all the employment options due to harassment by the messed up christian approaches and discriminationsā¦
Will add, I tried about 9 jobs in my current city over 10 years, keeping all for a while and I just watched the staffing levels get so low it is very likely employees will be sued for management who doesnāt care about customers and pay is ABSURDLY terrible for the risk. Then I sold my house and relocated to another area just to suffer move bad employers (some good but bad employers were really costly) and apartments in iffy neighborhoods while living alone too anxious to concentrate sometimes due to the creepy peopleā¦Happy just to sit back & do a staycation for a while & save a little money living free with family. Will restart my life later when I find other optionsā¦I have some friends here and I know the thugs/aggressors and worse so can avoid some of the areas problems except the crooked car repair which left some new parents without a way to get to their jobs in city as no bus runs out here and auto repair guys blow up cars sometimesā¦
Looks like a lot of the retail people are borderline crazy after a while here, they have so many psychotic episodes and mistreatment of customers demanded, they go insane and cannot even function to take care of themselves or their kids.
Iāve questioned whether I was sz before. Iāve had one helluva anxiety problem for forty years. It isnāt rational to be so afraid of nothing. Now that I am on anti-psychotics I have become dependent on them. I hallucinate when Iām off them. I couldnāt make it without anti-psychās. I didnāt hallucinate before I was put on them. Iām okay with the anti-psychās Iām on now. Theyāre tolerable.
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