Even though I sometimes get depressed to the point of suicidal ideations, I will never give up on life. If I committed suicide, my friends, family, teachers, doctors, school psychologist and psychiatrist will wonder why I did that, if it is their fault why I committed suicide.
Every time I fantasize about killing myself, I always think about my friends and tell myself that I am not going to give up, because if I did, nearest and dearest will suffer prolonged grief and blame themselves, because I committed suicide.
Every time I feel suicidal, I keep my reality in check and I stay away from any objects that can be used as a weapon on myself.
One thing that helps with my depression, is when I ask for help, not hide my emotions anymore to the point of rage. Please, don’t be afraid to ask for help and never give up on life!
The urge to give up lately has subsided. I’m worried about this morning: am I going to be able to get to the grocery store or will my back hurt too much. But I accept my delimma. I tell you a funny thing that has happened. I liked the guitar, classical guitar especially, I read music pretty well. But when I got the mandolin I fell in love. It is something to live for definitely. Yesterday I did some cleaning around the house and feel inspired to get in shape ( I weigh 250 lbs )to be able to get my place clean. I’m not giving up, my demands aren’t that great.
I made many attempts. But now I’m happy with my husband and kids. And I want to live. It does get better. I divorced my first husband and got better treatment and it helped me tremendously
I feel so goddamn privileged. I have a good economy, i don’t have a weight problem, i have got a good family, and a few very loyal friends, but it’s like i can’t appreciate it.
I still have a yearning to end it all (especially tonight) - don’t worry, I have not got the guts after all, and I know that I could be in a good mood tomorrow.
